(PART FOUR)

Dear Matthew,

I know your iron clad commitment to sexual purity. I admire your decision to keep a close guard over your passions, reigning in all those desires that can make life a constant battle for a man. I have just the faintest clue of how hard it must be and that sets me to praying for you every day; for strength, for wisdom, for protection from an enemy who would love to sideline you through spur-of-the-moment stupidity.

And then I go to a gathering of Believers on Sunday and see all those beautiful young women vying for men’s attentions. Some are chaste and subtle and content to remain hidden until God brings them to a man in His time.

But others are not. Many are not. And they dance their bodies before the eyes of men who must look away or burn with forbidden desire. Too much skin, too tight jeans, too bold in their beauty.

Why do they do it?

What are they saying?

What do they want, these women who love God and allure men with suggestions of more?

Here’s what I think— because I’ve been there and done that and just barely escaped giving more of myself than I ought. And we’re all the same, us women. Deep down we need and want and long for the same things.

Five Things Every Woman Longs For:

1.  Every woman longs to be desired.

This is why women flirt, why some uncover too much. There is this little girl inside of every woman that longs to draw a man to herself. To be sought after, to be wanted. And yes, this goes for the sexual area of her relationships as well. A woman cannot separate her sexuality from her soul. To be desired sexually feels like being desired as a whole— that is what every woman thinks and believes and feels.

2.  Every woman longs to be loved.

It is a woman’s deepest need; for a good man to love her for who she is, to love her no matter what, to love her forever. Every woman is born wanting this and many— far too many women spend their entire lives hoping and wishing and working and sacrificing everything in order to get this kind of love. Yet few ever do. And I think God weeps.

3.  Every woman longs to be cherished.

To be valued and considered, to be wanted. To be treated like a fragile piece of crystal rather than a disposable plastic mug. Paul goes so far as to command husbands to cherish their wives, comparing women to the Church and husband to the Savior. (Ephesians 5) This translates in a woman’s mind to carefulness— with her feelings, with her body, with her soul.

4.  Every woman longs to be protected.

It is there even in the fiercest of women, this need to be watched over and guarded from harm. Instinctively, a woman knows that God created men to protect women, to represent God’s warrior-like protection over His creation. Which is why a woman who marries a man who did not protect her purity while dating or engaged, often feels an inexplicable distrust of him.

5.  Every woman longs to be led.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… and again… and again. Women want to be led. Not bullied, not dominated, not forced. And we all know there are mean men out there who are tyrants. But the complaint I hear by far most often from women is not about abuse— it’s about passivity. Men who cannot summon the energy or the confidence to step out and lead, or initiate, or communicate where in the world they’re headed.

To lead takes tremendous courage, I know, but dear sons who are listening, I pray you will have the courage to lead as you are led by Christ.

From the heart of a mom who prays for you and for your friends,

Mom

(PART TWO)

Dear Matthew,

Last week I told you a story about your sister, Rebekah. I described to you a story of a man who took his responsibility to protect the purity of a woman seriously.

This week I want to tell you how.

Every movie, every TV show, every story you see in public is rife with impurity because our culture sees impurity and immodesty and immorality as manly… and sexy… and cool.

What you never see is the shredding of trust, the feelings of insecurity, of being used and abused and abandoned. That stuff.

You know a better way because you have read The Book.

Words like:

You shall not commit adultery. Exodus 20v14

and

You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5v27-28

and

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. I Thessalonians 4v3-6

So here is a mom-made list of how to protect a woman’s purity:

1. Tell her right up front exactly why you intend to keep your relationship pure. (That way she won’t wonder about the weirdness of a relationship that doesn’t get all hot and heavy)
2. Make rules for yourself. (As in 'Do Not Touch' except for fondness and affection)
3. Do not spend time all alone together. (You’ll be less tempted to go too far if you always have an audience)
4. Tell some trusted friends that you intend to keep this relationship pure. (Just the ones who will face this battle with you instead of laughing all over Facebook)
5. Invite people to question you. (Make it easy, don’t be defensive, they’re not saying they don’t trust you… just that you’re crazy to trust yourself)
6. Don’t look at pornography! (It’s the fool who thinks he can feed a fire and not get burned by it)
7. Be honest with her when it’s hard. (But please do not make this a frequent topic of conversation!)
8. Assure her often of your feelings for her. (Women are conditioned to think that men who paw at them actually love them— and they can get insecure unless you tell them otherwise)
9. Date for a long time to get to know each other well, then be engaged for a short time. (There is something about that engagement ring that can make it really hard to stop)

It takes a man to follow this kind of advice.

It takes strength, determination, moral muscle.

It takes a man who is so passionate about Jesus that he chooses to curb his own God-given passions.

You are such a man, Matthew. May He give you all His grace.

From my heart,

Mom

And girls… do not settle for anything less.

Some time ago a young woman I am close to asked me that haunting question,

 “How do I know he’s the one?” 

She’d thought the decision to get married should have been easier or at least clearer. Here she was, after months and months of dating a really great guy, still unsure, still not knowing if he was the one.

Why didn’t she know?

Did that not knowing constitute an answer in itself?

Shouldn’t she know by now?

On and on the confusion spilled out in a frustrating and peace eluding expression of angst.

My young friend wanted to know and the not knowing had left her paralyzed, uptight, and anxious.

It strikes me that those of us who live and move in the midst of our ultra-romantic, destiny driven church culture have some really crazy ideas about marriage.

We’ve got Prince Charming standing in for this elusively named The One and we expect him to come charging into our lives on his white steed.

Crazy as it sounds, rather than feeling kidnapped, we’re supposed to miraculously know he’s HIM!

No wonder the world thinks we’re nuts- maybe we are!

A century or so ago, a wise Amish woman came up with a simple saying to help people who want to know. 

Choose your love

Love your choice.

And that, my dear friends, is reality. We get to choose. As in, make a decision.

And as with every well-made decision, we need to ask ourselves questions—lots and lots of questions. The kinds of questions that make us think and utilize that often-neglected left side of the brain God gave us.

A little less romanticizing and a lot more reasoning.

And so I went about writing down some questions for my friend. Questions meant to probe her heart and her mind.

Questions to help choose her love so that she could spend the rest of her life loving her choice.

If you’re contemplating that How do I know? Question right now, why don’t you peruse these questions? There is no such thing as two perfectly suited people, but there is such thing as two really mismatched people. These questions are designed to make you think, to force you into honesty, and to help you choose well.

From my heart,

Diane

Dear ******

These questions to ask yourself- not some sort of interview form. They are meant to probe your heart and gauge the potential for oneness in every area of your lives. And because I believe that oneness is God’s goal for marriage, these questions are intended to help you discern how easy or how difficult that might be for you and ****.

Oneness is never easy. And conflict is inevitable, no matter how hard we work to avoid it.

If the conflict is not harmful to your soul, and if both of you are softened by it, then the conflict can actually be good.

If the areas of conflict require too great of changes in your personalities and goals and in the vision you each have for your lives, then it ruins that trust-filled haven your lives together must be in order for you each to flourish.

And yet two people can be vastly different in their personalities and approaches and yet “just click” in such a way that it is as if two broken pieces come together to make a whole.

That is what a great marriage looks like— two distinctly different people fitting together to become one.

But because marriage is about more than logic, first I think you need to ask your heart a few questions…

• Are you flat out head-over-heals, can’t live without him in love with him? As in… the rest of your life no-matter-what?
• Are you at home with him? At rest? Able to show your whole self without shame? Confident? Real?
• Do you trust him? To cover for you, to be faithful to you, to be transparently honest with you, to hide nothing from you?
• Are you “more yourself” with him in his presence or do you shut down certain parts of you?
• Do you flourish with him?

If you’re still on board, here are some real life areas where people rub up against each other on a daily basis.  Use this as more of an over all check list than a test to gauge that impossible ideal of perfection.

Vision:

• Does he have some sort of vision for his life? If not, is he on the way to discovering that vision by actively seeking God and asking people and looking at his strengths and passions?
• Can you embrace that vision? Pouring all of who you are into it?
• Can you see yourself as a help to him? Can he?
• How much involvement will he want of you in his career/calling?
• Are you okay with that? Excited?
• Would you be willing to lay aside your own ambitions to help him succeed?
• Would he respect and value your part in God’s plan for his future?

Spiritually:

• Do you track with his insights?
• Does he understand yours?
• Do you love to pray with him?
• Does he bring out the best in you spiritually?
• Encourage you?
• Remind you of the Truth and right thinking?
• Does he know more about doctrine (Truth) and theology (who God is and how He works) than you do?
• If not, is he learning so ferociously that he will soon by-pass you in knowledge?
• Does he take from his storehouse of Scriptural truth and apply it to problems, concerns, and purposes?
• Are his goals Scripturally based?
• Are you excited at the prospect of throwing yourself behind his goals and helping him with all your intelligence and creativity and gifts?
• Does he respect your viewpoint? Welcome your input? Listen to you?
• Will you have a common goal? What is it?

Financially:

• What are his financial aims? Is he taking steps now to achieve those aims?
• Do you trust him to lead in the financial/budget area?
• Do you trust him to put you and your children’s financial well-being above his own personal needs? To lay down his life for you?
• Do you trust him to do whatever it takes to provide for you so that you can pour every effort into caring for your family while your children need you at home?
• Or will he view you as necessary to produce income for your family? Are you okay with that?
• Does he see his paycheck as both of yours? Making all financial decisions together no matter what?
• Would he abstain from making a financial decision without your support?
• Does he see himself as a steward of all that God provides?
• Can the two of you blend your ideas of an ideal standard of living?

Emotionally:

• What does he do when he gets upset? When he’s under intense pressure? When he’s tired?
• How does he handle defeat? Discouragement? Obstacles? Disappointments?
• Can you live with those responses without being hurt/rejected/defensive or brought low by them?
• Can you live with his flaws without trying to change him?
• Can you allow him to be fully himself?
• Can he live with who you really are? Or does he pressure you to be more______ or less ______?
• Does your way of expressing yourself delight him or does he try to shut you down?
• Does he humble himself and apologize?
• Does he freely forgive you when you apologize?
• Is he transparent with you?
• Does he admit need?
• Does he allow you to carefully and respectfully correct him?
• Does he correct you with gentleness?

Socially:

• Are you proud of him?
• In social settings do you feel the need to prompt him, lead him, explain him?
• Do you relax in similar ways?
• Can you allow each other to be different?
• Do you enjoy the way he celebrates the highs? Can you enter into his joy?
• Can he enter into your joys?

Life:

• Can you solve problems together in a satisfying way?
• Can you make decisions together in a satisfying way?

Physically:

• Are you attracted to him? Do you find him appealing?
• Are you drawn to the way he is made-the way he smells, the way he looks, the way he expresses affection?
• Could you give your body freely to him?
• Could you delight in him? Could he delight in you?
• Is there anything about him that repels you?
• Is he affectionate enough for you? (I’m not talking about passion here, but that day-to-day affection most women crave)
• Do you feel free and confident in his view of your beauty?
• Could you grow old with this man and still find him compellingly attractive?
• Could you grow old with this man and still feel absolutely lovely?

Random considerations:

• Does he share or at least encourage your kind of learning?
• Will he continue to educate himself? To learn and grow?
• Does he look forward to having children?
• Do you share common goals for what you want to see happen in your children’s lives?
• Does he have a burning conviction to raise his sons and daughters to love God with passion?
• Do you have similar ideas about discipline?