Vision

“Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD, trust in Him, and He will do it.”

Psalm 37:3-5 NASB

Dear Matt and Simona,

Welcome back! Your honeymoon is now a memory; an oasis to look back at in the midst of the daily crush of bills and schedules and errands and work and that seemingly fruitless fight to keep up.

And so today I want to talk to the two of you about the way into this life you are forging. About the front door and the welcome and the vision of what lies ahead. Because if you get this right, if you consciously wipe the mud off your shoes and purposefully choose to tread carefully, you will experience a welcoming transition into your new life together.

Today I want to talk to you both about vision. Because I have seen that the surest way to the oneness you both want is shared vision.

Vision is the thesis, the purpose statement, the framework for who you want to be and how you want to live.

And the best way for two people to walk as one with the least amount of chaffing is to both know where you are going.

But here’s the problem: you both want different things.

Of course you do! Just like every one else I know, just like your dad and I. Wanting different values to be the shaping factor of your vision for the future is normal.  And sometimes, when you each bring those different purposes to the front door trying to fit them in takes some thorough thinking.

You saw this in action while planning your wedding.

Simona, you envisioned elegance and intimacy, a time to relish those who are close to you. You saw your wedding as a suspended moment of beauty, of love expressed in hushed reverence.

Not Matt. He saw a party with every friend, every potential friend, every person who has ever brought delight into his life. He didn’t care so much about beauty or elegance or hush… he wanted fun and dancing— to shout at the top of his joy that he is in love!

And together, with a few tears, a bit of tension, and many long talks, the two of you found a balance of both.

Your wedding was beautiful, elegant, with hushed moments of sacred sweetness.

And your wedding was fun.

John Mark teased his little brother with a hilarity that brought an instant relief to the tension of so much intimate emotion spilling down your faces. We laughed and we cried and we danced in that hopping up and down joy Matt’s D.J. friends played for us.

Now, how to do that for the rest of your lives?

As usual, I have a list:

How Two People Form One Vision From The Dreams Of Both:

1.  Take time deliberately.

You are embarking on a quest to discover what God is envisioning for two people who are now tasked with the daunting process of becoming one.

You’ve been pursuing each other with marriage in mind and now that you’re married you need to keep pursuing each other but with a different end in mind:

Now you’re pursuing each other’s vision for the two of you.

 2.  Ask questions relentlessly.

The hardest part about knowing another’s heart is our self-centered tendency to assume we know more than we do— and the only way I know to learn about another is to ask questions.

Then ask again. Then ask to explain. Again.

Ask in order to discover. Ask in such a way that the other can answer honestly, without having to over-state or justify or defend what may seem silly or impossible.

And remember:

Neither of you want to play the role of cold-water-reality-evaluator of each other’s dreams.

3.  Dream fearlessly.

A dream, for a follower of Jesus, is simply that seedling of desire hidden deep inside, waiting to be cultivated into fruition.

Be slow to squelch those seedlings. Instead, listen, give hope, offer courage and help.

And don’t be too quick to filter one another’s dreams through the lens of your own plans.

God has this delicious way of tantalizing us with just a bite of possibility… and then shaping it through the long wait.

 4.  Pray expectantly.

Dreams don’t just happen because we’ve talked about them.

Dreams become reality when the both of you, together, clasp hands and pray.

… when you trust and hope and work together faithfully.

… when your delight in God, together, becomes bigger than what you hope to do.

… when you open yourselves up to His shaping of your dreams and then get the thrill of partnering, together, with Him in the doing.

That is the way to live— as chasers after God, together!

5.  Listen closely.

Some of us have a hard time articulating our dreams and ideals for the life we hope to live. Strangely, it is often the talkative ones who can’t quite say what they mean. And then it is the quiet listeners who are given an uncanny gift for hearing what the other can’t quite say.

However it works for you, it is your honor to listen both to what the other is saying and what you perceive the other is meaning.

I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve heard a wife clearly state her husband’s mission while he’s looking blank about what to say.

She knows him better than he knows himself and she believes in him and his vision and so she uses her gift to put that vision into words for him.

I love that!

 6.  Write it down purposefully.

Even the prolific Apostle Paul didn’t see his vision clearly. You remember the story- he has a dream of a man gesturing him to come. Scholars call it The Macedonian Call. When he gets to the spot he was supposed to meet this man, he turns out to be a she— a woman by the name of Lydia.

In the male-dominated world Paul lived in, that had to mean disappointment. But he wrote out the whole story and because he did we get to see a pattern of the way God works.

By writing it down you will begin to see the pattern God uses to lead you throughout your lives together.

After 36 years of doing that, your dad and I are no longer surprised or caught unaware of God’s leading. We know the pattern.

7.  Wait patiently.

When we had a dream of starting a church we had to wait 7 years to see it happen. I had a dream of writing my story into a book over 20 years ago and I’m just now finishing it up.

Most dreams take a long time to percolate, to be refined and revised and prepared for and achieved.

That’s normal. It’s the way things work in the kingdom of God’s eternal way. He’s just not in the hurry the rest of us are.

Can I just tell you how much fun it is for me to sit on the sidelines, watching the two of you become one?

Simo, I dreamed of a woman like you for my boy. A woman who would let him be who he is while helping him to be so much more.

Matt, I dreamed of the day when you would launch out with a wife at your side to make your unique mark on the world— together.

From a heart bursting with joy for the adventure I know is ahead for you,

Mom

P.S. Stories anyone? Have you been helped in your vision? Either to articulate it more clearly or to actually go for it? Has your husband or wife taken up your dream and helped? I love this stuff.

(image by Hillary Kupish)

Some time ago a young woman I am close to asked me that haunting question,

 “How do I know he’s the one?” 

She’d thought the decision to get married should have been easier or at least clearer. Here she was, after months and months of dating a really great guy, still unsure, still not knowing if he was the one.

Why didn’t she know?

Did that not knowing constitute an answer in itself?

Shouldn’t she know by now?

On and on the confusion spilled out in a frustrating and peace eluding expression of angst.

My young friend wanted to know and the not knowing had left her paralyzed, uptight, and anxious.

It strikes me that those of us who live and move in the midst of our ultra-romantic, destiny driven church culture have some really crazy ideas about marriage.

We’ve got Prince Charming standing in for this elusively named The One and we expect him to come charging into our lives on his white steed.

Crazy as it sounds, rather than feeling kidnapped, we’re supposed to miraculously know he’s HIM!

No wonder the world thinks we’re nuts- maybe we are!

A century or so ago, a wise Amish woman came up with a simple saying to help people who want to know. 

Choose your love

Love your choice.

And that, my dear friends, is reality. We get to choose. As in, make a decision.

And as with every well-made decision, we need to ask ourselves questions—lots and lots of questions. The kinds of questions that make us think and utilize that often-neglected left side of the brain God gave us.

A little less romanticizing and a lot more reasoning.

And so I went about writing down some questions for my friend. Questions meant to probe her heart and her mind.

Questions to help choose her love so that she could spend the rest of her life loving her choice.

If you’re contemplating that How do I know? Question right now, why don’t you peruse these questions? There is no such thing as two perfectly suited people, but there is such thing as two really mismatched people. These questions are designed to make you think, to force you into honesty, and to help you choose well.

From my heart,

Diane

Dear ******

These questions to ask yourself- not some sort of interview form. They are meant to probe your heart and gauge the potential for oneness in every area of your lives. And because I believe that oneness is God’s goal for marriage, these questions are intended to help you discern how easy or how difficult that might be for you and ****.

Oneness is never easy. And conflict is inevitable, no matter how hard we work to avoid it.

If the conflict is not harmful to your soul, and if both of you are softened by it, then the conflict can actually be good.

If the areas of conflict require too great of changes in your personalities and goals and in the vision you each have for your lives, then it ruins that trust-filled haven your lives together must be in order for you each to flourish.

And yet two people can be vastly different in their personalities and approaches and yet “just click” in such a way that it is as if two broken pieces come together to make a whole.

That is what a great marriage looks like— two distinctly different people fitting together to become one.

But because marriage is about more than logic, first I think you need to ask your heart a few questions…

• Are you flat out head-over-heals, can’t live without him in love with him? As in… the rest of your life no-matter-what?
• Are you at home with him? At rest? Able to show your whole self without shame? Confident? Real?
• Do you trust him? To cover for you, to be faithful to you, to be transparently honest with you, to hide nothing from you?
• Are you “more yourself” with him in his presence or do you shut down certain parts of you?
• Do you flourish with him?

If you’re still on board, here are some real life areas where people rub up against each other on a daily basis.  Use this as more of an over all check list than a test to gauge that impossible ideal of perfection.

Vision:

• Does he have some sort of vision for his life? If not, is he on the way to discovering that vision by actively seeking God and asking people and looking at his strengths and passions?
• Can you embrace that vision? Pouring all of who you are into it?
• Can you see yourself as a help to him? Can he?
• How much involvement will he want of you in his career/calling?
• Are you okay with that? Excited?
• Would you be willing to lay aside your own ambitions to help him succeed?
• Would he respect and value your part in God’s plan for his future?

Spiritually:

• Do you track with his insights?
• Does he understand yours?
• Do you love to pray with him?
• Does he bring out the best in you spiritually?
• Encourage you?
• Remind you of the Truth and right thinking?
• Does he know more about doctrine (Truth) and theology (who God is and how He works) than you do?
• If not, is he learning so ferociously that he will soon by-pass you in knowledge?
• Does he take from his storehouse of Scriptural truth and apply it to problems, concerns, and purposes?
• Are his goals Scripturally based?
• Are you excited at the prospect of throwing yourself behind his goals and helping him with all your intelligence and creativity and gifts?
• Does he respect your viewpoint? Welcome your input? Listen to you?
• Will you have a common goal? What is it?

Financially:

• What are his financial aims? Is he taking steps now to achieve those aims?
• Do you trust him to lead in the financial/budget area?
• Do you trust him to put you and your children’s financial well-being above his own personal needs? To lay down his life for you?
• Do you trust him to do whatever it takes to provide for you so that you can pour every effort into caring for your family while your children need you at home?
• Or will he view you as necessary to produce income for your family? Are you okay with that?
• Does he see his paycheck as both of yours? Making all financial decisions together no matter what?
• Would he abstain from making a financial decision without your support?
• Does he see himself as a steward of all that God provides?
• Can the two of you blend your ideas of an ideal standard of living?

Emotionally:

• What does he do when he gets upset? When he’s under intense pressure? When he’s tired?
• How does he handle defeat? Discouragement? Obstacles? Disappointments?
• Can you live with those responses without being hurt/rejected/defensive or brought low by them?
• Can you live with his flaws without trying to change him?
• Can you allow him to be fully himself?
• Can he live with who you really are? Or does he pressure you to be more______ or less ______?
• Does your way of expressing yourself delight him or does he try to shut you down?
• Does he humble himself and apologize?
• Does he freely forgive you when you apologize?
• Is he transparent with you?
• Does he admit need?
• Does he allow you to carefully and respectfully correct him?
• Does he correct you with gentleness?

Socially:

• Are you proud of him?
• In social settings do you feel the need to prompt him, lead him, explain him?
• Do you relax in similar ways?
• Can you allow each other to be different?
• Do you enjoy the way he celebrates the highs? Can you enter into his joy?
• Can he enter into your joys?

Life:

• Can you solve problems together in a satisfying way?
• Can you make decisions together in a satisfying way?

Physically:

• Are you attracted to him? Do you find him appealing?
• Are you drawn to the way he is made-the way he smells, the way he looks, the way he expresses affection?
• Could you give your body freely to him?
• Could you delight in him? Could he delight in you?
• Is there anything about him that repels you?
• Is he affectionate enough for you? (I’m not talking about passion here, but that day-to-day affection most women crave)
• Do you feel free and confident in his view of your beauty?
• Could you grow old with this man and still find him compellingly attractive?
• Could you grow old with this man and still feel absolutely lovely?

Random considerations:

• Does he share or at least encourage your kind of learning?
• Will he continue to educate himself? To learn and grow?
• Does he look forward to having children?
• Do you share common goals for what you want to see happen in your children’s lives?
• Does he have a burning conviction to raise his sons and daughters to love God with passion?
• Do you have similar ideas about discipline?