Dear Son,

Your room is crammed with boxes, overflowing with piles of towels and sheets and supplies. Teetering towers of t-shirts and extra socks take up every square foot of space in what has been your man-cave for many years.

In just a few days you will sweep all that messiness into the back of your car and drive off to make a home of your own.

When you leave I will take all my mama-grief and scrub every corner of that square of space. I’ll patch holes where you poked pins into the wall to hang your posters. Cob-webs will come down, memories will be loosened, all our long talks will echo as I dust and shine and try to find a way to place all those memories somewhere safe.

And every moment I’ll be wishing I could have stopped the years, that I could go back again and tuck you into bed at night, run my fingers through that bristly shaved head you insisted on every summer when being a boy meant sweating and swimming and certainly not messing with such a silly thing as hair.

I’ll breath deeply of the scent of manhood and remember the boy you were. The nights of worrying that diabetes would rob you of the freedom you craved. The mornings of waking you for school and answering that question that came bubbling to the surface the moment you opened your eyes: Where is everyone?

How I loved your love for all of us! Your determination to keep connected, to know where your brother was and what your sisters were up to. Your full-fledged involvement in each member of this crazy crew we call a family.

I will miss you Matthew. And the tears rim my eyes even as I push hard to put them back.

This growing up is good, so why does my heart grieve?

And I know the answer, dare I say it?

I grieve because the full birthing of love always brings loss.

To birth you into the man you are called to be I must lose the boy you were. And I know because I’ve done this before. I know things will never be the same. That the closeness that comes from living and laughing and making you meals and waking you early and worrying when you’re late… will change.

You see, dear son of mine, I have loved being your mom. And I’m a mama still, I know, but it’s the every day I have loved best.

The serving and the soothing and the listening and the hoping and the teaching and the reading and the cleaning up of little boy messes and the wiping away of big-boy tears.

I have loved how you bound up the stairs , and how your bring your friends home and crowd into your tiny room to talk about who-knows-what and pretend I don’t know that you’re talking about girls.  And maybe they like you and maybe they don’t and oh how you and all your friends who are men now wish they would and someday… someday someone will.

Matthew, I have been writing these letters about that someone. That someone who will like you and love you and hope for you forever.

May she relish who you are as I have.

I love you Matt,

Mom

  Dear son,

I’ve been writing for the past few months in response to your question, Mom, what do I look for in a wife?

I think you expected a short list from me, something you could stick in your pocket and draw out from time to time. Check, check.

Instead you’ve patiently read lots and lots of words from me. In typical Mom-fashion, I’ve rambled on and on, sometimes scaring you away from any idea of dating in the near future, at other times giving you a tantalizing taste of what will be.

And since I am in no hurry to be done with these letters, today I have another long description of what to look for in a wife. Because, you see, you are not only marrying a woman who will be your confidante and lover and companion and helper for the rest of your life… you are marrying the mother of your children.

Think about that for a moment or two.

The Scriptures teach that children are your inheritance from the Lord, a reward to you, a gift.

A man is made strong and validated by his children.

In this era when so many parents have abdicated their roles as mother and father, choosing instead to shrug their shoulders and hope for the best, that is not a very popular mindset. And I am not saying that how your kids turn out is entirely up to you- far from it. As Ruth Bell Graham so simply stated: God has trouble with His kids too.

What I am saying is that who you choose to be the mother of your tribe is of vital importance. She will represent you to your children. She will spend 90% of the time with them, disciplining while you are earning a living, teaching them how to love well, caring for them, pouring into them. Do not underestimate how important her wisdom and ways with your children will be to your own future.

That said, I rummaged around in my files and found this list buried deep, resonating from another era. It was published in the Wall Street Journal a long time ago and yet what wisdom and understanding this list brings to your question for me.

THE MOST CREATIVE JOB IN THE WORLD:

It involves…

Taste,

Fashion,

Decorating,

Recreation,

Education,

Transportation,

Psychology,

Romance,

Cuisine,

Design,

Literature,

Medicine,

Handicraft,

Art,

Horticulture,

Economics,

Government,

Community relations,

Pediatrics,

Geriatrics,

Entertainment,

Maintenance,

Purchasing,

Direct mail,

Law,

Accounting,

Religion,

Energy,

And management.

Anyone who can handle all of those has to be somebody special.

She is.

That is what you are looking for in a wife, dear son-of-mine!

From my heart,

Mom

She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night.

Proverbs 31:18

Dearest son,

It is early as I write these words. The summer sun is just tinting a smattering of wispy clouds with the barest glimmer of translucent light. I sit outside watching the world awake.

Upstairs three of my grandchildren lie sprawled in that deepest of slumbers only happy children know. They are safe and they are loved and they know it.

When they wake up they’ll clamor for more of the fun that comes from having a Pops who is still a kid at heart. Maybe they’ll want “awful waffles” (Phil’s title for frozen waffles in a box) for breakfast. Or a sip of “Pop’s wa” (the sparkling water Phil drinks). And they’ll ask with confidence, knowing full well that these two grandparents pretty much never say “no”.

I think we used up that word on our four kids and now just don’t have the heart to ever say it again!

Jude and Mo and Sunday have absolute confidence in our love for them. They know beyond even the slightest doubt that we have their best interests at heart, that we want only good for them, that we will go to great lengths to make sure they have all they need and more.

They are safe here, fully able to rest and be who they are. Confident.

And that is what I want to talk to you about today, Matt.

Confidence.

Your dad and I have laid a foundation of safety and security for you. By God’s grace our home has been a place of refuge—far from perfect, but fully stable.

Unlike so many fathers, your dad has been faithful and present. He has fulfilled his role as Priest of the home, as Provider for his family, and as Protector of all of us. You have a rare gift in that, Matthew.

But now you are launching out on your own.  You have to carve your own way, make your own decisions, choose for yourself how you will live.

You will no longer have your Dad just a few feet away to warn you of danger, nor will I be there to soothe away the hurts that come from living in a world of sharp edges and bumpy roads.

But you will have Jesus. That One who is your real safety, who is always watching over you, who fully knows who you are and who you can be.

He knows how He wants to use you in His story of redemption for a world that needs more of those stories in real time.

My son, if you will live fully in the presence of this One, if you will place all your hope and confidence in Him, inviting Him into every aspect of your life, then and only then will you experience the confidence that comes to those who revere Him. “For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26

A man or a woman who places their entire confidence in God is neither insecure nor dependent on others for approval. Such a man or woman has this underlying sense that “her gain is good” Proverbs 31:18. She does not have to prove herself or boast about her accomplishments. Such a man knows that he is on assignment from God, that he has work to do and if he does it well and faithfully he will hear just the sweetest echo of the words he longs for: “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” And that’s all the reward he craves.

Only a close and honest walk with God can give you that kind of confidence, Matthew. Not perfect grades, not stellar reviews, not pats on the back from important people.

You will never be as good nor as bad as some people will paint you to be.

But if you will learn to put your confidence, your sense of who you are as a man, in God—if you will look to Him for approval, knowing His grace covers you and carries you where you lack—then you will experience that same sense of safety and well-being my grandbabies are experiencing right now.

Perfect rest. Trust. Peace.

And Matthew, marry a woman who has found that same confidence in the only One who can give it fully. Do not marry a woman who looks to you for her sense of self or beauty or approval or worth. Do not marry a woman because she makes you feel better than you are. Marry someone and be someone who is safe simply because you have found real safety in Jesus’ startling love for you.

How will you spot that kind of woman?

Here are some  questions to ask yourself as you watch her life (and your own!):

1. Is she the same person no matter who she’s with?
2. Does she get her feelings hurt easily? Or do you get mad easily?
3. Does she have a sense of purpose? Do you?
4. Does that purpose help her/you make wise choices?
5. Is she able to be a graceful woman in intimidating social situations?
6. Is she able to follow with finesse or does she control and manipulate to get her way?
7. Does she/do you need the limelight? Or can she/can you let others shine?
8. Does she/do you need to be right all the time?
9. Is she interested in other people? Does she ask questions about them, about you?
10. Is she proud of you?

Last night on the way home from church, your dad showed me in full color what this confidence in the Lord looks like. He’d just finished preaching four times throughout the day. He was tired, poured all out. But instead of giving in to his need for quiet and rest and assurance that he’d done well, he became a human juke box. First Jude requested a song, then Moses. Sunday got to shaking her imaginary maracas as Phil launched into all their favorites.

This man who had spent his day preaching to thousands, gave his night to singing to a rapt audience of three.

Why? Because his confidence, his sense of who he is, has been fully formed by Jesus. Whether waxing eloquent about the true definition of joy found in Philippians or showing the true meaning of joy to three giggly grandchildren, your dad knows he is honored to serve His Savior.

That’s what this looks like, son. May you know such soul-lifting confidence in your Savior and may you find a wife who knows it too.

From my heart,

Mom

Proverbs 31:17

She girds herself with strength

And makes her arms strong.

NASB

She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

NIV

She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.

NLT

Dear son,

You were born into a family of hard-working women. Not a lazy, bon-bon munching, soap opera watching one among us.

Do you remember how your Gramma Ruth used to hustle about the house? Always slightly out of breath as she tackled her tasks? Yet when we’d come for a visit she’d have all the time in the world to sit and listen and laugh in delight at her family. In reality she’d prepared for days in advance, baking, shopping, making up beds, dusting and setting out flowers and fresh towels.

So when we got there she could just enjoy us.

And how about my mom? She’s made quilts for each of us— long hours of cutting and sewing and designing just what we want. Basketball quilts for your cousin, cozy quilts for Rebekah, airplane pillow covers for you. And we won’t even talk about her cookie baking, lest we both start to salivate right here on the page.

And there is a purpose to all their hard work, Matthew.

They both poured their strength into making their families’ lives better. 

This woman described in Proverbs 31 did the same. And we get a hint how in this verse and the ones to come.

First of all, she inconvenienced herself.  She had to tuck her long, flowing robes into her belt so she could work hard and efficiently.

Secondly, she humbled herself. Remember, this was the wife of a king. When she cinched that belt up, she was intentionally choosing to set aside her position of royalty and get to work.

And she strengthened herself. And while this must have included physical strength training, I think it was more than that. I think she purposefully chose not to be whiney and weak and demanding and needy. Instead, she got up early every morning to put on strength of spirit by connecting herself with God and choosing to serve Him by caring for her household.

Matt, look for this kind of woman. And be this kind of man. 

Because this is just what Jesus did when He walked into the Upper Room, just hours before He knew He would die.  He saw (and probably smelled) all those dirty feet of His disciples, knew that none of them were about to tackle the unsavory task, tucked His robe up into His belt, and washed their feet.

And in so doing, He strengthened all of them for the days ahead.

Matthew, ten years from now you’ll most likely be married with a baby and maybe a toddler or two and more work than you can possibly get done in a day. If you have a wife by your side who is willing to put her shoulder to the tasks with you, who cheerfully and vigorously pours herself into whatever needs to be done, who is willing to do more than her fair share just because she’s that kind of woman— well, my son, you’ll be singing her praises just like King Lemuel did.

How can you tell if the woman you date is “energetic and strong, a hard worker”?

Here’s my list for the day: 

1. She makes lists in order to figure out what needs to be done.
2. She keeps a calendar in order to fit it all in.
3. She adds that extra flair to what she does.
4. She whistles while she works- seriously!
5. She knows when to set aside her task and sit and listen.
6. She is all about making others comfortable.
7. She is planning for a future that involves helping others.

I think you can see from this list that the purpose of this woman’s work is not to get rich and famous. She works in order to make the lives of people she loves better, more comfortable, happier... beautiful.

From my heart,

Mom

P.S. Do you have a story of someone who worked for your benefit? Someone who set aside her comfort in order to make your life better?

She considers a field and buys it;

From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

Proverbs 31:16

Dear son,

I’m a little nervous about writing this letter. Because we’ve allowed these bits and pieces from my mother-heart to be made public, I run the risk of being misunderstood, of having people cut and paste and take my words to you out of context.

But you know me. You know my heart to help you and to lay a foundation for a strong and beautiful partnership with your wife of someday. God’s Word is infallible, perfect, right, true—but my words aren’t. And so, I ask you, and everyone who reads this to give me a little room. These are my thoughts, my take on what I believe the Scripture teaches, not a rigid box that every husband or every wife or every family must fit into in order to follow after God.

That said, as my son, I want you to know some things about women that many men seem to be unaware of.

We are strong, resilient, adventuresome, loyal, willing to take risks, persistent, and unafraid of great sacrifice for our families.

Who do you think really settled the West? While men most often led the adventure, it is the women who brought their families, their ingenuity, their perceptive skills and adaptivity to the wilderness. Women created homes, carved beauty, cared for fragile lives, and brought control to the chaos of an unsettled land. They work alongside their husbands to make their dreams come true.

And we haven’t really changed. We’re still pioneers at heart, willing to do whatever it takes to see our families thrive.

That’s the kind of woman you will marry someday, Matthew.

And yet, at the same time, we are fragile creatures. We feel deeply. Grief, rejection, pressure, stress, fear, anxiety. We have this capacity for relationship that makes us take responsibility for how everyone in our lives is doing. And sometimes we get lost in the process. Sometimes our men fail to see the vulnerability behind all that strength.

We are impressively capable and yet we are fragile from all that feeling that is inherent to who we are.

So… what has that got to do with this description of a wife who evaluates and plans for the buying of property and then develops it and works it and prospers?

Simply this: In the overarching story of your lives together, your first responsibility is to be the primary provider for the wife you want. Given the right circumstances and the protection and provision of her husband, your wife will thrive, and in that soul strengthening freedom, she will surprise you with her success. But it’s up to you to watch over her lovely, loyal, hard working drive to succeed for the benefit of her family.

First of all, here’s what I don’t mean: that wives should never work outside the home. And here’s what I do mean: that you must guard your own desire for nicer things from pressuring your wife to set aside her family priorities and work more and harder and longer than she should.

Now, life is messy and stuff happens. Men get sick, they lose their jobs, they need further education, they start businesses and need support. I get that. Life, real life, is full of seasons that demand every resource we can bring to the table in order to survive.

What I want to impress on you is the vision of a man who is looking at both the big picture of values and goals and provision for a lifetime, and at the care and nurture of a wife who will, at times, work harder than is good for her in order to make those goals happen. Just watch over her.

Be in charge.

Know your budget.

Stick to it.

Be thankful for what you do have.

Don’t always need more.

Lead your family well.

Let your wife flourish and thrive and think of creative ways to use her gifts to enhance your lives— not to provide for your needs.

Make it your goal to see your wife in her sweet spot. That place where she wakes up with a smile on her face because she gets to be both productive and creative, at the same time knowing that her family is growing and thriving under her care. Make that your goal, Matt, and you will be copying what Jesus does with us, the Church, His bride.

Husbands, love your wives,

just as Christ also loved the church and

gave Himself up for her,

so that He might sanctify her,

having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

that He might present to Himself the church

in all her glory,

having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing;

but that she would be holy and blameless. 

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.

He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh,    but nourishes and cherishes it,

just as Christ also does the church,

Ephesians 5:25-29

I know this is a lot of weight to put on a man’s shoulders, my son. And yet I also know that God has given you what it takes to imitate Him in this kind of loving. Be strong and courageous. Be smart and responsible. Work hard and think ahead. Be willing to fight for your family’s well-being, to dream ahead of the way you want it to be, to plan a path to make it happen.

Above all, let God be your provider by laying your life before Him and asking Him to lead.

I love you!

From my heart,

Mom

P.S. Caution: Don’t read more into these words to my son than I mean.

Women have always worked- hard. Sometimes they even get paid. (!) The Proverbs 31 woman was a successful investor, she made money, lots of money. She was good at what she did. But there are years of a woman’s life when she needs the freedom to pour all that drive and intelligence and giftedness into her family. It is the wise man who does what he can to make that happen.~ Diane

She gets up while it is still night;


she provides food for her family 

and portions for her female servants. 

Proverbs 31:15

(source)

Dearest Matthew,

Last week in my letter to you I let you in on the secret so many women share— the whole intimidation factor in the Proverbs 31 description of a “worthy woman”. Since I read the chapter of Proverbs corresponding to the day of the month most mornings, I get faced with her seeming perfection once a month.

Who can do all she does? And if I tried, wouldn’t I get lost in all that work? Become a mindless machine, lose my own creativity, shrivel up inside, and have a massive identity crisis while failing to be perfect?

The fact is, this is an overview of a woman’s life, not what she did every day. Kind of a portfolio of one woman’s description to her son of what an intelligent and godly woman’s achievements can look like over a lifetime and how those doings can benefit her husband and family in such a way as to enrich their lives incredibly.

But notice her first act of the day— getting up early.

It was many years ago that I learned my need for those early morning hours alone. I’d tried and failed time and time again to be disciplined enough to get up early and read my Bible. I knew it was the right thing to do, but with babies up at night and a husband whose ministry mostly happened in the evening hours, it just seemed impossible. The thought of losing precious sleep to cross Bible reading off my list just wasn’t enough to rouse me from slumber.

It wasn’t until my world began to unravel that I discovered the truth this woman in Proverbs 31 lived every day— that it wasn’t more discipline I needed, but more desire. And that when I craved hearing God’s intimate speaking to me more than I craved a little extra sleep, and when that craving actually woke me up in the morning and propelled me into His presence, He had treasures of wisdom waiting for me.

The Bible often likens the Scriptures to food.  Jesus spoke of Himself as the Bread of Life, able to fill and strengthen and nourish us deep within. In the Psalms, God cried out to His people, “Open your mouth wide and I will fill it…. I would feed you with the finest of wheat; and with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.” (Psalm 81:10,16)

He longed for His people to listen to Him, to hear and obey the instructions He was waiting to give them.

The wise woman knows God hasn’t changed through all the days of history. He still longs for us to listen. He has tasks for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). Directions and impressions to lay on our hearts, wisdom and understanding to satisfy our longings.

Matt, I would wish for you a wife who is hungry enough to get up early and feast on God’s words.

A woman who listens carefully to the wisdom God gives and then goes to meet the needs of those whom God has given her to serve.

A woman who listens with a pen in hand, making a list of how the Father wants her to love that day.

A woman who sees need before anyone else does and applies the strength she’s already received from God to rise to the challenges of real life.

And son, I would wish for your someday-wife that she would have a husband who shakes off those sleepy morning cobwebs, gets out of bed, starts some coffee, opens the Scriptures, and listens.  Every morning.

I don’t have a list to leave you today. What I do have is a record of my own journey towards this kind of early morning listening. Maybe it will help you to see where you are headed as long as you keep crying out for more of Jesus. And maybe my own list will help you to lovingly lead a woman as she seeks to do the same.

I started with DRUDGERY,

grew up a little into DUTY,

tried but failed for a long time at DISCIPLINE.

Then life led me to a place of DESPERATION,

and that’s when DESIRE

for more of what He poured all over me

led to absolute, unending, every morning DELIGHT.

From my heart,

Mom

P.S. For those who are reading these letters:

Are you stuck in the DISCIPLINE phase?

Mad at yourself for failing too often to manage your life in such a way that getting up early to read the Scriptures and listen to God actually happens?

Let me give you a little motherly advice: ask the Father to do whatever it takes to fill you with enough DESIRE so that you will know the DELIGHT of rising early to listen for more.

And if you’re already there- will you tell us your story? I love stories, and I especially love hearing how God moved others to want Him more.

She selects wool and flax
   

 and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,
    

bringing her food from afar.

Proverbs 31:13,14

Dearest Matthew,

So far I’ve been writing to you about concepts and character. Things like trust and words and carefulness and goodness.

In this letter I want to veer off for just a bit and talk about some of the things a wise woman does to make a man’s life easier and better— that whole helping aspect of a woman.

As you well know, I believe that the Book of Beginnings— Genesis— sets the premise for the role of a wife in a man’s life. She is designed to fit into her husband’s vision and calling as a “help-mate” or a “corresponding” partner.

Unfortunately, teachers from generations past have tried to micro-manage the role of a wife and have often come up with a one-size-fits-all approach to what a wife ought to do. Many have drawn a picture of a June Cleaver-like woman, using Proverbs 31 as a structured pattern that every woman ought to follow precisely at every moment of her adult life until death gives her a break! In doing this, we have crafted the Perfect Wife.

And let me tell you, Matt, we women despise this Perfect Wife! We know we can’t possibly live up to her ever-industrious and at the same time always-nice perfection. The idea of accomplishing everything listed here and at the same time looking always beautiful and together and being nice and successful gives us nightmares. We want to run and hide or give up in despair.

But I don’t think that’s what Lemuel’s mother meant at all when she listed some of the doings of this woman. I think she was simply pointing out to her son how much a woman of worth could and would benefit his life as a leader in his kingdom. She was steering him away from a beautiful bimbo who would simply smile and look sexy but leave him without the help his life and career so desperately needed. She wanted him to know and recognize a woman who puts her intelligence and skills to work in order to sort of grease the wheels of his stress-filled life and make everything run better.

Titus 2 gives us a similar pattern. Older women are instructed to train younger women in the management skills necessary for the running of a household in real time. A woman who does this well is able to free up a man to pursue his career fervently while avoiding the train wreck that so often happens when home is neglected at the expense of career or ministry.

In our current culture that might take any number of forms, according to the unique gifting of the woman, and the unique needs of the man. One of your roles as a husband will be to “cherish” your wife (Ephesians 5:29). I think that means that you will set out to discover her gifts and strengths and help her to craft her role as your wife accordingly.

You help her to see and value who she is.

You celebrate her unique contribution to your life.

But here’s what to look for: a woman who is eager, who is surging forward with initiative and drive, a woman who delights in doing, who loves her role as helper, who is creative and innovative and confident that she can accomplish what is good and best for her family. The kind of woman who goes the extra mile instead of settling for the easiest thing.

Who does whatever she does well and beautifully, with eagerness and delight.

How will you know? Unless she is already running a household, how will you identify these traits, these doings in a woman while you are dating? Well, here’s my to-be-expected list…

1. Look at her space

By that I mean any place she has control over. Is it lovely? Has she created beauty? Are there indications of extra care, special touches?

2. Look at her work

Does she simply show up and do what is expected or is she the kind of woman who adds immeasurably to her work? Do you see her make everyone at work (both clients and coworkers) comfortable? Is she trying to help?

3. Look at her downtime

Is she creative? Does she learn and educate herself in what interests her? Does she have dreams and ideas?

4. Look at her self-care

Believe it or not, Matt, it takes a good deal of work for most women to look beautiful. There are few “natural beauties”. Most beautiful women have made the effort to cultivate their beauty. Is she clean and soft and developing a style that suits who she is? Does she match on the outside what she’s like on the inside?

5. Look at the way she gives.

Does she leave a trail of loveliness behind her? Gifts and cards beautifully thought through, acts of generosity and kindness on purpose, that little bit of extra help to anyone who is fortunate enough to be her friend?

Again, these are all traits I see in your sisters.

Tammy is an artist. She creates beauty in John Mark’s life, soothes the owies of her children and friends alike, finds something lovely to say every time I see her. Rebekah is the best gift-giver I’ve ever met. The Jetson’s DVD’s for Dad’s Father’s Day, a just right book of poetry and a picnic in the park for me, a whole luxurious house cleaning for her sister just because she had a little extra from all her hard work and she wanted her to know she’s there for her… And Elizabeth, who gives by cooking the good stuff and then taking all the time you need to listen well and answer wisely.

All of them, eager doers, givers, women who bring delight into the lives of those they love.  That’s the kind of girl to look for, Matthew. Because she’ll bring you more than a little help— she’ll bring you all that she is.

From my heart,

Mom

She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life.

NIV

She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

NASB

Proverbs 31:12

Dearest son,

Since beginning these letters I have received some heart-rending messages from readers. One in particular just won’t shake from my mind. It’s the anonymous comment left by a young man still living at home whose tears drip all over the page. Here is what he said:

I wish my mom loved me enough to write these sorts of letters. Too often is it that she’s yelling and criticizing me and my dad and we are hopeless for the future of our family…

Some one somewhere is dying inside. And in all her anguish she’s killing the very ones she loves the most. This mother/wife/woman is not using a gun or poison or any other visible weapon- she is using her words to wound.

And my heart won’t stop aching for her… and for her son… and for the husband who feels hopeless for what he cannot fix.

This is what King Lemuel’s mother is warning her son to watch out for in choosing a wife.

1. A woman who uses wounding, scarring, harmful words laced with the very essence of evil: criticism.
2. A woman who cannot be trusted because she’s poking and prodding and making a man feel less than he is just because he’s not what she wants him to be.
3. A woman who yells and screams at her family and then instead of repenting in humility, blames them for “making me mad”.
4. A woman whose words tear down instead of build up.

Matthew, I wish I could tell you that such a woman does not exist in your world of church and Christ-followers. And I wish I could tell you that any woman who claims to love God passionately and who worships Him beautifully could never, would never be this kind of destructive person in her home.

Instead, let me warn you to listen for those kinds of “unwholesome words” in the conversations and conflicts you have with a woman you are dating.

Do not ignore evil words.

Do not sweep snide comments under the carpet in the name of peace.

Do not pretend you didn’t hear the complaints muttered under her breath as she was walking away from the conversation.

Because the rest of your life is a long time when married to a woman who uses words to wound.

And because, my dear son, there is a beautiful, godly woman is waiting for you somewhere.

She is going to bring good and goodness, encouragement and courage, hope and help and so much fun into every day of your lives together.

She’ll see all your flaws and cover them over with her graciousness.

She’ll know what you meant when you said it all wrong.

She’ll see when she pushed too hard and back off in gentle submission.

She won’t be perfect, but she’ll apologize sincerely when ugliness slips out unplanned.

She’ll be nice.

And that kind of woman is worth waiting for.

From my heart,

Mom

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

(NIV)

The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain.

(NASB)

Her husband can trust her and she will greatly enrich his life.

(NLT)

Proverbs 31:11

Dear Matt,

On July 15^th, 1978, your dad and I stood in front of our friends and family to pledge the rest of our lives to each other. We made grand promises to be faithful, to love, and to honor forever.

While he held my hands in his, I felt just the slightest tremor go through your dad’s body. As if a moment of undeniable fear shook the length of who he was. And then he squeezed both my hands, fastened a joy-filled grin on his face, and held on tight.

And for the last 34 years he’s been hanging on tight, opening up his life to me, choosing to love me every day no matter what.

He trusts me.

I trust him.

We both trust God.

Completely.

Someday you will stand in front of an invited group of your friends and family to pledge the rest of your life to a woman. But before you make those promises, you must be absolutely certain that you have found a woman you can trust.

And by that I mean a woman in whom you can wisely place your confidence because you know she has your best interests at heart, and because you know she believes the best in you and will handle your heart with the greatest of care.

And so, knowing your penchant for lists, I’ve come up with…

5 WAYS TO FIND A WOMEN YOU CAN TRUST

#1 Take a long time to get to know her.

Just as a man presents his best self to a woman as he’s dating her, so a woman knows how to hide her less-than-lovely parts in order to attract the attention of a man. And yet, as I’ve said before, the purpose of dating is find out what a person is really like and then ask yourself the question, Can I live with that? Can I thrive with her?

That takes time. Lots of time. You’re going to need to see her when she’s tired, when she’s discouraged, when she’s stressed, when she’s mad.

When she’s not perfect.

Because nobody is, my son. And so you’re going to need to take an honest look at her flaws and at your capacity to love her just the way she is.

And you’re going to need to be realistic about her capacity to love you just the way you are- and to even like you when she sees those flaws.

 #2 Listen to your fears.

The Hebrew word, bāṭaḥ, translated trust here, “expresses that sense of well- being and security which results from having something or someone in whom to place confidence.” ^[1]

You need to be honest with yourself about how you feel in her presence. Can you trust her with your failures? Will she accept you as a man who is learning and growing, one who is being redeemed daily but who has not yet arrived? Does she get that?

Or is she “helping” God to fix what she doesn’t like about you? Making sure you know when you did wrong, what you should have done instead, what she surely would have done if she’d been in your shoes.

That will wear a man down faster than the worst kind of enemy.

Because, my dear son, every man needs and craves respect. And acceptance. And hope.

If you’re getting that nagging sense that you cannot trust her to think the best of you, listen to that fear because its not going to go away. 

#3 Look at her long-term relationships.

Do her friends blossom in her presence? Does she put people close to her at ease? Or do you get the sense that everyone around her is being ultra careful not to push her buttons or disappoint her?

How about her dad? Is she sassy or respectful?

What about her annoying little sister? Is she kind and considerate or rude and edgy?

#4 Observe her attitude towards others.

Watch especially closely how she responds to those in authority over her. Does she resent her boss? Is she always second-guessing people? Correcting them? Scolding?

The Scriptures unapologetically teach the loving authority of a husband over his wife. Has she learned how to do that when she doesn’t agree? 

#5 List what she likes about you.

I know, I know, I know, this point sounds egotistical. But the truth is, you need to marry someone who really likes you. A lot. And you need to know why she likes you. You need to know specifics; character qualities she notices, accomplishments she admires, strengths she observes.

While you are still dating you need to know what it is she sees in you and if she is able and willing to put herself out there to tell you.

Matt, it is no small thing to trust a woman. May God give you the wisdom and insight to see clearly.

And may He gift you with a woman who is so filled up with God that she can’t help but spill joy and hope and help onto you every day of your life.

From my heart,

Mom

Women, mothers, friends, girls, guys- do you have something to add?

Remember, we’re not talking perfection here, just that sense that a man’s heart is safe with such a woman.

I’d love to hear your take on this!

---

^[1] Harris, R. L., Harris, R. L., Archer, G. L., & Waltke, B. K. (1999). Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (electronic ed.) (101). Chicago: Moody Press.

“A wife of noble character who can find?


    She is worth far more than rubies.”

-in letters to King Lemuel from his mother-

(Proverbs 31:10)

Dearest son,

Like the King’s mom, I am writing to you for a specific purpose: to paint a picture of the kind of woman you will want one day to be your wife.

And like Lemuel’s mother, I am assuming that you are actually looking, that you have rejected the laisez faire attitude I see so often in men. That uber-spiritual sounding stance that “God will provide and I don’t have to do anything but wait”.

Because I don’t believe that. In fact, I believe that it is the honor for a man to actively search for a noble woman to stand by his side and join her strength to his.

Apparently, Mrs. Lemuel felt the same. She recognizes that women of “noble character” are few and far between. Valuable and rare.

And that such women are worth finding.

Hayil, the Hebrew word translated in the NIV as “noble character”, is used throughout Scripture to depict a man or woman of strength, wealth, influence, might, and firm character.

A strong woman.

A woman like Rebekah.

And Elizabeth.

And Tammy.

Three strong women of vastly different personalities and gifts and interests who have set a standard for you of this kind of excellence.

Rebekah is extremely intelligent, she loves to learn and read and research and discover. Right now she is throwing all her skills and drive into making her husband a success. She believes in him passionately and is sacrificing her own interests to build their business around Steve’s gifts and calling.

Tammy is kind and steady, with a wealth of wisdom about people and relationships. Her intuitive insight into the souls of the people around her adds incredible strength to your brother’s ministry. And she is relentless in her loving on and caring for John Mark.

Elizabeth is a woman who does life with excellence. She doesn’t just cook, she researches and learns and creates, using fresh, healthy foods to both nurture and nourish her family. She pours her intelligence and drive into every aspect of motherhood and lavishes her beauty on her family.

Three women of strength… of noble character.

And so I’d like to leave you with a list in my own words.

What A Woman Of Strong And Noble Character Looks Like In Everyday Life.

1. A strong woman is trustworthy. (vs. 11)
2. A strong woman doesn’t feel compelled to dominate. (vs. 12)
3. A strong woman uses her gifts and time and talents to give to others. (vs. 12,13,20)
4. A strong woman goes the extra mile. (vs. 18)
5. A strong woman is always thinking ahead. (vs. 15,21)
6. A strong woman takes care of herself with confidence. (vs.22)
7. A strong woman is capable and smart and hard working. (vs. 24,27)
8. A strong woman is hopeful. (vs. 25)
9. A strong woman is wise and kind with her words. (vs.26)
10. 10. A strong woman is in awe of God. (vs. 30)

And may I offer you just one more word of advice?

Do not be afraid of strength in a woman. Because, Matt, you will need a woman of this kind of soul strength to catch the vision God is developing in your heart.

Yours is a big vision, one that you cannot do alone. Just like Steve’s and Brook’s and John Mark’s.

And as long as she “gets it” and is able to see how her own gifts and talents fit in with yours, she’ll add to your strength rather than compete for her own way.

And when you find her, dear son-of-mine, cherish her.

From my heart,

Mom

8 Scary Things We Women Do…

when we think we need a man to make us happy.

Dear son,

A couple of letters back, I began to warn you to be alert and aware of the kind of woman who has the potential to sap you of your God-given and much needed strength. I let you know how close I came to being that kind of wife to your dad. And how he took me by the hand and helped me to know that only in utter dependence on God would I ever have the hole in my soul filled full.

Because even though I was honestly seeking God with all my heart, I still thought that being married to a godly man would make me feel forever loved and happy and fulfilled.

I think most women think that deep down. And it’s wrong.  It doesn’t work that way, not even a little. And it’s not supposed to. No man can satisfy a woman in those deepest places of her restless heart. Only God can do that— and for most of us women it takes a lifetime to figure out how that really works.

Now that I’ve scared you half to death, let me offer just a couple of words of practical description to help you recognize and avoid a needy woman. Remember, I’m describing who I once was, who I fight not to be even now.

#1  A man-needing woman will need more of you than you have to give.

#2  A man-needing woman will insinuate that you are not “there for her enough”.

#3  A man-needing woman will put you on the defensive- a lot.

#4  A man-needing woman will use her sensuality to bind you to her.

#5  A man-needing woman will often give in to intense expressions of emotion, requiring excessive      amounts of assurance from you.

#6  A man-needing woman will want you all to herself all of the time.

#7  A man-needing woman will generate a great deal of conflict.

#8  A man-needing woman will argue that you need to help her more rather than seeing her calling to be your help.

Please notice, my son, that a man-needing woman is not a bad woman. She may be beautiful and gentle and sweet and sitting in the front row with her Bible open at every gathering.

But until a woman figures out for herself that men are not meant to fulfill her craving need for more, and that only a close and intimate and dependent connection with God can fill that craving, she’ll be a strength sapper.

And you, my dear son, need every ounce of your hayil to do what God is calling you to do and to do it with the “vigor” (vs. 3) of a king.

From my heart,

Mom

Dear girls,

Don’t hate me! I get it, I really do. Yet I also know that the truth is what sets us free from ourselves.

So let’s be honest with each other, confess our weaknesses to each other, and go after all that God has waiting for us if we’ll only ask.

So… comments anyone? Do you see this in yourself?

Go ahead and make up a “pen name” for this one if you want… no need to completely terrify our guys!

Somehow I think if you’ll be honest here you’ll give all of us the courage to keep learning.

From my heart for you,

Diane

TWO KINDS OF WOMEN:

GOD-NEEDING

OR

MAN-NEEDING

Dear Matthew,

There are, I have come to see, two kinds of women: God-needing women and man-needing women.

God-needing women are women who are learning and growing and practicing what it looks like in everyday life to “hope in God” (see I Peter 3:5). They’re not perfect, not by a long shot. But they’ve figured out that only God can satisfy the craving in their hearts for more. And they’re pursuing Him actively and purposefully, gaining wisdom and knowledge and intimacy with God.

These women intentionally reject the notion that a man will make them happy. Instead, they look to God for all that He has to say about happiness and joy and serving and giving out of the overflow of a heart that belongs wholly to Him.

That’s the kind of woman I pray you find when the time is right.

Man-needing women are pursuing men.

They’re sure that a man will quench their raging thirst for affirmation and affection. The right man, they dream, will sweep them off their feet and carry them away to a world of beauty and romance and love, love, love.

And they’ll drain you of every last drop of your hayil in their frantic attempt to find what they crave.

Now, let me tell you the real truth about me.

When I married your dad I was just 19 years old. I had grand dreams of being a godly women, wanted with all my heart to serve Him and honor Him. I knew I was marrying a godly man and I loved everything about the life he offered me. With my head in the clouds, I imagined that being married to a leader would offer me security and a place in this world. It would be like being at church 24/7. All happiness and singing praises and satisfaction at the deepest level.

I was wrong.

In reality it felt like the church wanted everything from Phil and I was supposed to be chipper and happy and smiling and nice all the time.

But I was lonely.

And needy.

And not happy.

Somehow we survived that tumultuous first year of adjustments and my unrealistic expectations and I began to realize that my good and godly and loving and romantic leader of a husband would never fulfill me.

In fact, the deeper I delved into Scripture, the more it dawned on me that it was not his job to fulfill me!

Yet that yawning hole inside my soul beckoned to be filled. With your dad’s wise guidance and many hours spent with godly older women, I began to understand that my desperate neediness was meant to drive me into an intimate and satisfying relationship with Jesus. And that He alone could fill those empty places.

But, Matt, it wasn’t a pretty process.

And that’s why I want to warn you away from women who erroneously believe that a man— any man— even you, will make them happy.

With Lemuel’s mom, I want to warn you away from such a woman- a woman like I once was. Because the truth is, I was sucking the life out of my husband, trying to grab all his strength and vitality and attention for me.

And you know the rest of my story.

How God let me get to a place of deep surrender and how He has been filling me and feeding me and satisfying me all these years— not by my good and godly husband, nor through my super-smart-absolutely-perfect children, but just in Himself.

Lemuel's mother cries out for her son to listen! listen! listen!

She knows that the wrong woman will ruin the king. The word there in Hebrew means to “wipe out”. And that is exactly what can happen if a leader marries a man-needing woman.

And it is almost what happened to your father— because of me.

Next week, I’m going to write out another one of those lists for you. I know how men think in tangible, identifiable terms. But for now, just listen, my son.

Don’t be fooled by the giddy idealism of a girl who thinks you will sweep into her life and carry her away on your gleaming white horse and make life perfect.

You can’t.

What you can do is invite a woman whose heart is filled with God to join you in serving Him. You can offer her the breathtaking adventure of following at whatever the cost. You can point her to the security that can only be found in Him. You can point her to the Cross, and all the life that dying to self offers to everyone who chooses His way.

I love you, son. And I’m praying that you will have the discernment to know the difference between a woman who needs God and a woman who needs a man.

From my heart,

Mom

To the women who are reading this:

Can you offer some practical pictures of what a God-needing woman does with all that desire for more?

Would you help me explain what it looks like when a well-meaning woman thinks a man might fill that emptiness?

 After all, I’m thinking there must be a whole lot of women like me who are learning the hard way how to find all our hope in God.

“What, O my son?

And What, O son of my womb?

And what O son of my vows?

Do not give your strength to women,

Or your ways to that which destroys kings.”

Proverbs 31:2,30

 Dear Matthew,

Before I launch in to a list of qualities to look for in a good and godly wife, I want to take a moment to reiterate the warning King Lemuel’s mom gives at the beginning of her own letter to her son.

First of all, her son is a man, not a boy when she pours out her heart to him. Like you, Lemuel was a leader of men. He had authority and influence. And with that position of leadership, he had obligations.

And so do you.

Years and years ago, while you were just a boy, you sensed God’s calling to spiritual leadership. With ironclad determination you have pursued the preparations necessary to equip you for that kind of leadership. You know where you are going and what you need to get there.

You are a rarity.

So many men your age have no idea where they are going or why they are doing what they got up this morning to do. Few are the men who have listened to God’s voice and direction for their lives. Fewer still are the men who have mapped out how to get where God is directing them to go.

As your mom, I have watched and pondered and wondered at this rare and wonderful guidance from God.

And, as your mom, it scares me to my knees.

I have labored for you in prayer. Like the writer of this letter, I have seen God intervene and answer my prayers in the midst of battles and distractions and temptations. And yet I know that you are a threat to the Satan, that enemy whose sole aim is to destroy what God wants to do.

And so, with Mama Lemuel, I want to pause to warn you to keep a strong guard around yourself lest you forfeit your right to a position of leadership in this Kingdom of God on earth.

Because it doesn’t take much to be knocked out of the race. 

Lemuel’s mother used a fascinating word to warn her son about a wasted life.

Hayil, translated strength in the NIV, is a vastly important word that has to do with physical strength as well as wealth and ability and dignity. It is a word that encompasses noble character and special abilities.

Do not spend or use up or waste your hayil on women, she warns— and this from a woman! She’s warning her son that we, of the tribe of Eve, can and often are voracious eaters of men!

And Matt, I just want to chime in and agree. When you’re reading these letters over the next few months, please listen with the realization that the wrong kind of woman can sap your strength, steal your hayil, and rob you of your God-given calling.

The stakes are high, my son. And the temptation is great.

May God give you the wisdom and the patience to wait for a woman who will add to your strength rather than take more than you have.

From my heart,

Mom

Come back tomorrow to learn about… Two Kinds Of Women.

To the women who are reading this:

Please be patient with me as I attempt to describe to my son (and all the sons who read these words) what a godly woman looks like. And if you have any pieces of wisdom to add, please do! I welcome your input into Matt’s learning.

Dear Matt, In my last letter to you I wrote about words. I wanted you to get a glimpse into the minds of women in general before I started to get specific about the kind of woman I think may be best suited to come alongside you.

And women are all about words.

Men have the opportunity to help both women who talk too much and women who can’t seem to coherently spit it out by leading with words.

You, my dear son, were born talking. I remember sitting beside you as I taught you how to read, amazed that you could learn with your mouth wide open and working furiously! You learned to read by talking!

You have a constant need to communicate and you have a compelling need to be communicated with. Just like your dad.

So I want you to take a look at how your dad led me instead of rejecting me because I wasn’t very good at this whole talking/contributing/asking/answering thing that makes up communication. Because the woman you’re hoping and praying for might not be good at talking like you are. But that doesn’t mean she can’t learn with a little help from a good man leading.

HOW TO LEAD A WOMAN WITH WORDS

1.  Look her in the eye.

A woman’s eyes will tell you massive amounts of information about who she is and what she’s feeling at any given moment. Is she nervous? Her eyes will flit all over the place. Bored? They’ll go dull. Fascinated? They’ll fix on your face and nod along with her head. Flirty? She’ll be looking to see who else is looking. Sympathetic? They’ll brim with tears and soften in pools of understanding.

2.  Focus on her.

If you have even the slightest inclination that this girl might be worth knowing, turn off your cell phone, ignore your goofy friends, don’t say hi to every passerby, and give her your undivided attention. See her. Think. Listen.

3.  Choose what to talk about.

Instead of just responding to her, be the one to guide meaningful conversation. That doesn’t mean you have to be brilliant or know everything about anything. Just be purposeful.

4.  Pace the conversation.

Be alert to when its time to switch subjects, when to ask questions, when to say more and when to say less. But don’t just let conversations die. That leaves a woman feeling like a failure. We’re too relational to just shrug our shoulders and walk away.

5.  Initiate conversation.

As in walk up to a woman and actually use words to bring her close. If she’s a beautiful woman, don’t allow yourself to be terrified of her because of her loveliness. Some beautiful women who are not flirty get shunned just because of fear. Or treated with bluster and bravado… just talk to her.

6.  Ask questions that require thoughtful response.

Instead of “How was your day?” ask “What was the highlight of your day?” Find out who she is, what her dreams are, how she plans to live her faith.

7.  Use a date to enter her world of words.

Men can have a meaningful “talk” sitting side by side as they wrestle fish into their boat. Without a word. But women need  words. If you take her to a movie just be sure that you plan to talk about the movie afterwards. Don’t just drive her home and leave her bereft of those words she craves.

8.  Never, ever, ever make fun of anything she says. Ever.

Don’t use sarcasm with women unless the twinkle in your eye is so huge and so obvious she absolutely cannot miss it. Be careful about teasing… make sure it is fond and funny— and that it makes her look good.

9.  Affirm her with words.

This, my son, is huge. A verbally affectionate man is a rarity. I don’t know why, but I suspect that men are so accustomed to using words as a means of conquering their world that somewhere in there they loose touch with the immense need every woman has to be embraced and brought close with words.

Your dad has loved me with affectionate words for over three decades. And that way of loving me has changed me and grown me and set me free of all that uptight angst I used to be so bound up with.

10. Give her the Word.

After our first date kept us up late into the night talking, your dad scribbled down two Bible verses onto 3x5 cards and sent them with a short note in the mail.

Yep, stamps and the mailbox and all that old-fashioned stuff.

And when I got that envelope with his name in one corner and mine in the middle, my whole self responded. I could barely steady my hands to open it up.

That he’d taken the time and made the effort to communicate back to me what we’d been talking about… I just can’t tell you what that did for my respect for him.

And I still have those verses tucked into my heart:

I Samuel 16:9

…for God sees not as man sees,

for man looks at the outward appearance,

but the Lord looks at the heart.”

         And

Jeremiah 9:23

Thus says the Lord,

“Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom,

and let not the mighty man boast of his might,

let not a rich man boast of his riches;

but let him who boasts boast of this,

 that he understands and knows Me,

that I am the Lord

who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth;

for I delight in these things,” declares the Lord.

May you be wise as you lead with your words, my son.

I love you,

Mom

Dear Matthew, In Proverbs chapter 31 a mother writes to her son.

I can imagine her sitting at her desk in front of a window. A warm breeze wafts across the pages as she ponders what to write. She starts and then she stops, waddles up and throws away her first attempts, then finally decides to just say it.

And as a mother to a son, I feel that same angst. How do I say what my heart longs for you to hear?

Dare I say it? Should I?

When this mother of a king finally gets up the nerve to write what she knows her son needs to know, she does it, I believe, because she cares more about him than what he thinks about her.

And that’s no easy choice for a mama to make.

There is this nagging worry in every mother’s deep down places that if she’s not careful, if she says the wrong thing, if she says it too often and not just right— her son may move away from her heart and never come back.

And so King Lemuel’s mom and I have much in common. On these pages I’ll attempt to say what I mean in straight up man-talk form. And a few of the things I want to say I’ll probably say all wrong and too much. After all, women talk a whole lot different than men do.

We converse in circles and long sentences with lots and lots of before and after softening so we don’t hurt anybody’s feelings or step on toes or push people away from the relationship we crave and can never get enough of and don’t ever want to lose… yeah, like that.

Men talk short.

I’ll try.

But before I even get started, let me tell you something you need to know about women:

We love words and we love with words.

Some women talk a lot right from the get-go. You meet such a woman with a manly “hey”, and you get a paragraph thrown at you out of nowhere. The shorter your response, the longer hers will be. Because talkative women think that the way to coax a man to open his heart to her is to talk.

And talk. And talk some more.

You know these kinds of women because they’re my best friends. I love women who can carry the conversation, dragging me along into their fascinating world of verbal response. I can just listen and nod and throw in an occasional mh-mh to keep the bonfire burning.

Some men reject these kinds of women because they think they’re too much. Or that they’ll require too much from them. Or that all that verbosity signals something sinister like… neediness.

And sometimes it does… but most often those really talkative women are just a little nervous. And words start flowing like a broken pipe spewing water. Once she gets started she just can’t turn it off for the life of her. She’s terrified of silence and is begging you to jump into the flow and help her.

My advice to you? Be a man and rescue the poor girl.

What she wants is for you to know her. She’s inviting you into relationship at great risk to her heart. She’s bold and brave and beautiful in her attempt to bridge the yawning gap between your maleness and her femininity.

The absolute worst thing you could do, would be to leave her hanging there. Or to look away. Or to laugh. Please, please, don’t ever do that!

Ask her questions. Chime in with your own viewpoint.

Lead the conversation.

Most talkative women will be relieved that you did. Then they’ll settle down to a more reasonable pace of words… and you just might discover a delightful treasure of ideas and thoughts and passions and life.

Other women can barely sputter their thoughts out-loud. They back away in terror that they might say too much, or the wrong thing — so they say nothing.

And that can make men uneasy.

The whole world labels these kinds of women shy. And shy little girls are cute. But shy women? They’re stuck up and remote and cold and anything but cute. And that’s so not fair!

Women are not shy. Quiet maybe, but never shy. Because we women are all about words. Whether those words are streaming out of our mouths or galloping across our minds, we’re always talking. Always.

My advice to you? Be a man and rescue the poor girl!

What she wants is for you to help her. Just like the talkative girl, she longs to be known. And liked. She wants to know you too but doesn’t have the courage to overcome her angst about all that maleness standing in front of her to ask.

I know all about this kind of girl because that’s who I was when I met your dad. My mind would be racing with words that caught in my throat because I was so terrified that if those words left my tongue they’d just hang uncomfortably in the air between us.

So I said nothing.

But that didn’t stop your dad from talking. He led me into conversation. And as you know, I’m anything but shy now.

I talk. A lot.

And the only difference is that now I know how and now I feel safe and wanted and known.

That’s what a good man can do if he’s willing to lead.

And so, my son, here’s what I want you to know:

A woman,

whether she’s shy or

she’s way over the top talkative,

needs to share her thoughts like you need to breathe.

If you’ll pave the way and lead her skillfully, you’ll discover a land you never knew existed… a land that’s filled with ideas and dimensions and help and wisdom and perspective that you’ll never glean from just your guy friends.

And that, my dear son, is worth talking about.

With love,

Mom

P.S. For next week’s post I’ve listed and explained 10 WAYS A MAN CAN LEAD A WOMAN WELL WITH WORDS.

Several months ago, my son Matthew wrote me an email asking one simple question… would I do for him what I had done for his older brother many years ago... would I write a series of letters giving him specific advice as to what to look for in a wife?

Matt was seven when I first started writing those letters. His big brother was away at school in the days before email and Facebook and Twitter. For over a year I wrote letters, folded the paper, licked the envelope, and dropped those missives in the mail.

I tried to explain to him how women differ and what I saw as his greatest need. I painted a picture for my firstborn son of a woman whose life would mesh with his— of a helper, a partner, a lover, a friend for the rest of his life. I knew, in that way that mothers know, that John Mark would be a leader.

And I knew John Mark.

I called those letters, “In Search of Eve” – I know, I know, it does sound incredibly corny now, but this was back in 1998 when baggy jeans and white-bleached-sticking-in-every-direction hair was in style too.

It made sense back then.

And it sure seemed to work for John Mark. Those letters mystically coincided with his discovery of Tammy. There in black and white was a handwritten description of the woman who had captured his attention. As he read those letters from his mom he was astounded at how accurately I was describing a girl I had never met.

Well, you know the rest of the story. John Mark and Tammy have been married for ten years now. They have two of the most intelligent, amazing, engaging, handsome boys in the world (okay, maybe I’m just a tiny bit biased) and have just adopted a beautiful African daughter into the Comer heritage. There is no doubt in my mind that Tammy is God’s gift not only to my son, but also to me. I love her like my own daughters and she fit my son in ways I could never have envisioned while laboring at my desk over those letters.

And now Matthew wants letters of his own.

And so, over the next few weeks and months, I will be sharing with all of you what I write to my son. He’s agreed to forego his privacy just a bit in order to allow his friends and people neither of us know— but both of care about, to learn alongside him. I’ll be using the last chapter of the book of Proverbs to guide my advice to my son.

Proverbs 31 has long been studied by women hoping to learn how to be the perfect woman and the “ideal wife”. But that was never the purpose of this oft-maligned chapter of God’s Word.

It is simply a letter from a mother to her son.

Now, granted, included in the middle of that letter is a description of woman of such beauty it fairly takes our breath away.  And leaves us lowly less-than-perfect women more than a little intimidated.

But that, I would argue, is not what this mother intended. She was writing to her son, not to women. And she knew her boy. She’d studied him and prayed for him and watched over him since before he emerged from her womb.

Now he is a man, a leader, a king. His vocation as ruler/politician/warrior puts Lemuel under intense pressure to perform and provide. And his mother knows he needs a godly woman to come alongside him and bring balance and wisdom and grace to his leadership. A woman who will fill the empty places of his heart, while bringing him honor and immeasurable help.

And so she writes her letter to her son. And I write to my own son.

And both of us beckon you to read along. To think and ponder and imagine what a truly good wife can do alongside a truly good man. And what a truly good man should know about women. And what women should know about what it means to be truly good.

But while you’re reading, will you do one thing? Will you forget the idea of “ideal”? Will you set aside the fairy tale notion of “perfect”? Instead, will you look with me at what God has to say about the value of a good woman?

And will you give me lots of grace in these next series of posts? I’m writing to my son, not studying for a commentary.

I’m the mom of a man-boy who is preparing for his future of leadership and mission.

And I’m the wife of a leader— a truly good man who has taught me and corrected and protected me for just shy of 34 years.

I’ve learned most of what I know the hard way. By making mistakes and coming up short and being disappointed in my self-centered self. And then by turning to the Scriptures to find a better way of being.

This is my answer to my son’s question—

Mom, what should I look for in a wife?

From my heart,

Diane (aka Mom)

P.S. Why don’t you take some time this week to slowly read through Proverbs, chapter 31? Allow yourself to think through the wisdom in God’s words to you. Go ahead and jot down a few notes and send me any questions that come to your mind.