Years and years ago we lived in a big yellow house on a hill, with a 5 acre horse stable right behind it. With two girls already madly in love with horses, this was a dream location! Every window on the back of our house overlooked our neighbor’s barn and an arena where our daughters spent every free moment. When we moved there Matthew was one, Elizabeth eight, Rebekah eleven, and John Mark thirteen. We luxuriated in all the space this new home afforded, with storage closets tucked under the eaves and twice as may kitchen cupboards as our previous home.

And somehow, somewhere along the way, we started storing stuff in all those closets and cupboards. Lots of stuff.

I went to garage sales and found stuff, then to the dollar store, where I stocked up on stuff. I bought books for the kids at the grocery store for $3.99— such a deal!

Cheap stuff, unnecessary stuff, too much stuff.

At Christmas we filled stockings with stuff, grandparents sent stuff, friends stopped by with stuff. And before long all that stuff started to back up into our living space like a clogged drain choked with excess… stuff!

Between buying organizers to store all that stuff, then clearing up clutter and putting stuff away, my days had become one long chasing after the chaos all that stuff created.

You know what I’m talking about? Does that describe your home?

Are you ready to exchange all that for a sense of order and cleanliness that doesn’t come at the cost of your relationship with your kids? Unfortunately, I too often sacrificed niceness on the alter of perfection.  I wish I could say I was always patient and kind, but if my kids read this they'll call me out! And though I struggled and too often failed, I've learned some things along the way I wish I'd known at the start. Here are...

 10 Ways To Teach Your Kids (And Yourself!) How To Bring Order Out Of Chaos.

 #1. Reduce the amount of stuff

Where does this strange compulsion to accumulate and collect come from? Is it from the Spirit of God? I don’t think so. Is it from my flesh? Yes! that greedy, grasping, heedless part of me that craves stuff. So why do we keep it? Why spend money on plastic bins and organizers and shelves and systems to store all that stuff? Why indoctrinate our children in our greedy inclination to gather more stuff?

#2. Set a limit on stuff

You’ve helped your kids edit their possessions down to just what they love, what they pull out several times a week, what they actually use. Now it’s time to be clear that if they get something new, and they want to keep it, something old has to be given away.

In other words: this much and no more!

#3. Give your kids responsibility for their stuff

Instead of being the chief keeper and cleaner and put away-er of your children’s stuff, give them that job title. Make each person over the age of three responsible to clean it up and pick it up and put it away where it belongs.

#4. Incorporate ‘Once-Throughs’ into your daily routine.

When my kids were little, every night before bed the whole crew made sure every thing was picked up and put away. School papers, shoes, toys, every odd bit and piece had to be put away. Then, after breakfast, another once-through that included beds made and clothes picked up. One more once-through before dinner enabled our home to stay reasonably tidy.

Whenever I failed to keep this routine running, I inevitably defaulted into that annoyed, unfriendly my-kids-are-driving-me-bonkers mode.

#5. Train your kids to focus and notice stuff.

The child who can stand on the edges of his mess and evaluate what needs to happen in what order, is already way ahead in management skills! But most kids do not learn this automatically— they need to be patiently taken through the process of a quick and thorough clean up of toys and clothes and towels and last week’s lunch.

#6. Give your kids daily chores.

By training your children to have a daily work routine, you are preparing them for real life. In the real world no one steps in to do our job for us when we don’t feel like it. In real life something not-good happens to us when we drop the ball on one of our responsibilities.

#7. Institute periodic family workdays.

Something about cleaning out your closet while mom is cleaning out hers just takes away some of your child’s reluctance. We’re in this together! Or getting the whole family to chip in for a spring yard clean up, or window washing, or tidying up the garage. Teach your children that we work as a team, everyone contributing, everyone sticking with it until the job is completed.

#8. Whistle while you work!

This, of course, starts with mom. No barking orders (gosh, my kids hated that!), or getting mad (after all, it’s your job to stay on top of it by wise management), or grumbling (I can’t believe this mess!). Instead, teach yourself and everyone in your family to enjoy the sense of achievement that a clean up or a project can bring. Make sure they step back and admire their work- and that you step up to cheer them on.

This, for me, was a big fail. If I had it to do over again…

#9 Work before play

It’s a whole lot easier to get your kids to clean up and do their chores before they get involved in playing than it is to interrupt their creative play. But I still use this phrase to motivate me when I’m just not feeling in the mood to get something done.

After I work on this project for 2 hours, I can enjoy a break for tea and read a book for a while…

#10 Teach your kids how to break big projects into small steps

Some of us are not born knowing instinctively how to tackle projects. We don’t see those logical steps that lead to the finish line. Which may be why your child doesn’t even try.

If you’ll come alongside and do it with them, teaching and training them how to make lists, how to start, how to backtrack a timeline so they get it done on time… you will save them so much angst in our extremely project-oriented world.

My home is empty of children now, just the two of us in this small space. And I still find myself defaulting back to clean-it-up-only-when-it-drives-me-crazy mode! Back to those once-through’s for me…

From a heart craving a life of order,

Diane

P.S. Okay moms— this is your clue. What are you doing to bring order out of the typical chaos that seems to cling to children? How are you managing all that stuff? Send us the ideas in the comments so we can all learn from each other!

Before I had kids I made a vow to myself: I will never, under any circumstances yell at my kids. Ever.

I broke that vow.

A lot.

Way more than I hope they remember.

Looking back, most of my mad had to do with messes.

Our big home on the hill overflowed with messes every day. Every. Single. Day.

Four kids + two cats + two dogs+ two horses + a spontaneously fun husband = MESSY!

I am a woman who craves order. I make my bed every day. Hang my towels perfectly even. Organize my spice drawer alphabetically. The only thing I don’t like about traveling is that it feels messy.

I get a rush from walking into a perfectly clean kitchen, from opening the garage door and seeing matching boxes perfectly labeled, lined up evenly on orderly shelves.

For me, neatness is like a drug, a high. It makes me happy, frees my mind to think.

It has taken me years— decades— to learn these few must-do’s that make my often-messy life a little more realistic. These are things I wish I’d known during all those messy summers when my kids were home. Summers I cannot relive.

1.  Nothing of value gets done without making some messes. People who get a lot done— people who invent and learn and try new things, inevitably have to wade through some messiness. Okay, a lot of messiness.

 2.  Neatness is nice. Everyone functions better when their space is tidy. Teaching my children how to put their things in order could have been fun if I had allowed it to be my gift to them instead of being so uptight about it.

3.  There is a vast difference between neat enough and perfect. To indulge in my propensity for perfectionism will make me weird. And crabby. And mad at a world that cannot ever be perfect.

4.   Consumerism is the enemy of neat. I have spent hundreds of hard earned dollars on plastic containers. What a waste! When I finally learned to keep only a few things in my cupboards, my few things stayed naturally neat. It’s better to have less stuff than to organize more stuff. 

5.   Slow down to order your life. More than anything else, I have found that my pace of life perfectly parallels my sense of order. By adding in one more meeting, one more adventure, one more trip to the store, one more project, one more item on my to-do list… I create a world in which messes reign.

I cannot do it all.

Living now in this cottage in the woods, I relish a degree of neatness that simply wasn’t possible with kids at home. When the Grands come to visit, their messes don’t worry me at all. My whole world stops and I delight in their creativity. I see a bigger picture now and that picture is filled with beauty. How I wish I’d know, all those messy years ago, that…

God creates beauty out of messiness.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Can you give us your best, most workable tips for keeping your place neat? Any mamas want to tell us how you teach your kids to be tidy?

(source)

 Be careful! Never forget what you have seen the LORD do for you. Do not let these things escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren.

Deuteronomy 4:9

NLT

Yesterday I got a note from a young mother who reads my words in the early morning hours as she is nursing her baby. She had carved out time to write me in one of those rare moments when her two-year-old was napping and her six-month-old was playing contentedly.

And I felt as if I’d been given a treasured gift. As if this woman somehow knew I needed something only she could give… and she weighed the repercussions, thought about what it would cost her… and gave away her time wrapped in loving words, courage giving words.

I found myself thinking about her early this morning, praying that God would give back to her one hundred times what she gave to me. Because she’s one of my girls now, though we have never met, and I see her as I write.

If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure,

Pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over.

Whatever measure you use in giving— large or small— it will be used to measure what is given back to you.

Luke 6:38

NLT

She just let me know that my life is making a difference. That my words have helped. That her life is better now because of me. That my stories, all of them about “what I have seen the LORD do…” have helped her to notice the same.

I see her in my mind… toys strewn around the room, dishes piled in the sink, a dishwasher needing emptying. I see the diapers bought in bulk and I wonder how many hours of her week are spent in front of the changing table, wiping bottoms, soothing fussy babies, trying to get the toddler to hold still.

And I wonder if she could have possibly known this time was coming.  When she was studying for an exam at a university far away, dreaming great dreams, trying on her wedding dress amidst giggling friends. She couldn’t see these days.

And then I see her later.

Still beautiful, but with that kind of worn-in beauty now.

You know what I mean: crinkles along her eyes, but her cheeks are smooth, her smile welcoming. She’s a woman comfortable in her never-perfect skin.

The kind who looks elegant because she wants to— first thing in the morning while she’s sharing a cup of coffee with her husband, and then later as she’s doing something— something significant, something important that requires the skills of a capable woman who has lived well and wisely.

And I wish she could see what I see.

I wish she could know that someday she’ll have hours and hours to write notes and give courage. That younger women will need her stories then, that she will be the one with “more life-giving encouraging words” from “lessons learned” as she so beautifully wrote.

I wish I could hold her when the storms come, when the doubts and worries and grief keep her awake at night. I wish I could point her to the words God has used to feed me full in the early morning hours when it’s just Him and I.

I wish I could bring her with me this week as I prepare to entrust my baby boy— the one grown tall and strong now— into the capable hands of a woman who will commit the rest of her life to him.

I wish she could see me as I pick up my once-babies at the airport, as we hug long and close, as we cry and laugh and empty our words all over each other.

I wish she could see how all those hours were worth it.

That out of the loneliness comes an intimacy that cannot be bought or achieved or had in any other way than what she’s doing now. That the babies whose bottoms I wiped are now my best friends, my stalwart loyalists.

I wish she could see that my baby boys, those toddlers who didn’t nap when I wanted them to, who worried me every day for too many years— how they grew up and they married the best of women. I wish she could see how those girls are now my girls. Women who love me too, just because of all those lonely hours when all I did was work and nurse and rock and take care of the boys who would become their men.

I wish she could see the future while she’s in her present because the future turns the present into the best days of her life.

Not the easiest— never that— but the most valuable, the most effective, the most investment-worthy.

I am like a wealthy man who looks back and sees the brilliance of the risk he took early on when the company whose stocks he went without extras to buy, went world-wide and made him richer than he ever could have imagined.

Because I am richer than I ever could have imagined. And this is one of those weeks when I am counting the gold. And someday she will too. But she won’t have enough time to count it all because her kids will be calling her to come, to talk, to see, to be a part of the beautiful times of their lives. Because she’s mom. Because she did what she needed to do, and then did more. And then did it again.

I wish she could see…

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. If you are one of those who “needs to see that the future turns the present into the best of days”, will you let me know? I would be honored to pray for you even as I relish my present-future.

Summer is here... And that means Mom's in the Park 2014

WEDNESDAYS   starts JUNE 25 ends AUGUST 13

11AM TO 1PM

School is out. The sun will begin shining. And your kids are running around the house looking for fun activities to do.

Come meet at the park to begin building friendships and gain encouragement from mom's with kids ages 0-7.

We are gathering in smaller groups at various parks and then coming together once a month as a larger community.

MOM’S IN THE PARK SCHEDULE 2014

Email:  moms@ajesuschurch.org with any questions

June 25 -  11 to 1

Magnolia Park 1810 NW 192^nd Ave.  Hilllsboro.

Meet under the Shelter

What to bring:  snack to share, Bible, kids’ swimsuit, towel, blanket

July 2 – 11 to 1

THPRD H.M. Terpenning Complex 15707 SW Walker Rd. Beaverton.

Meet at the playground is under the blue awnings near the baseball fields

What to bring:  lunch, Bible, blanket.

July 9 – 11 to 1

Summerlake Park 11450 SW Winterlake Dr. Tigard

Meet at the playground past the dog park

What to bring:  lunch, Bible, blanket

July 16 – 11 to 1

Cook Park 17005 SW 92^nd Ave. Tigard

What to bring:  lunch, Bible, blanket

July 23 – 11 to 1

Magnolia Park 1810 NW 192^nd Ave.  Hilllsboro

What to bring:  lunch, Bible, blanket, kids’ swimsuit, towel

July 30 – 11 to 1

THPRD H.M. Terpenning Complex 15707 SW Walker Rd. Beaverton

Meet at the playground is under the blue awnings near the baseball fields

What to bring:  lunch, Bible, blanket

August 6 – 11 to 1

Summerlake Park 11450 SW Winterlake Dr. Tigard

Meet at the playground past the dog park

What to bring:  lunch, Bible, blanket

August 13 – 11 to 1

Cook Park 17005 SW 92^nd Ave. Tigard

Meet under Shelter #2 closest to the restrooms and playground

What to bring:  snack to share, lunch, Bible, blanket

Questions? Send us an email at moms@ajesuschurch.org 

I'm working this morning with Phil on the seminar on the Spiritual Training of children. We're hunched over the computer trying to edit 50+ pages of material into 50 minutes of teaching. Back and forth, over and over making those hard calls. Do we include this? Should we cut it? What about so-and-so? Won't this help? Is it too basic? Too wordy? While I'm working away on this for the next few months I'm going to post some tidbits here in Glimpses each week. Just overflow information that I wish I'd understood all those years ago when my children were being shaped into the people they would become.

Here's a list of less-than-obvious manifestations of anger in children. If you see some of these habits cropping up in your son or daughter (or yourself!), might I suggest that you ask the Father for wisdom and insight into your child's heart? Anger left to simmer works havoc with a child's happiness. And sometimes all it takes is a mama willing to slow down and deal decisively and prayerfully with it before its too late.

Manifestations of Anger: 

• It can be an obvious temper tantrum,
• It can be more subtle like irritability or self-pity.
• It can look like a resentful attitude or
• A pattern of way over-reacting to minor incidents
• Sometimes it is the child who sulks and withdraws. You don’t think of her as angry because she doesn’t necessarily lash out, hers is a more simmering, stuffed down form of anger.
• Lots of angry boys lash out and hit someone, or they bang their fist on the desk.

Some Scriptures to guide you:

“BE ANGRY, AND YET DO NOT SIN; DO NOT LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON YOUR ANGER, AND DO NOT GIVE THE DEVIL AN OPPPORTUNITY.” (EPH. 4:26-27)

“LET ALL BITTERNESS AND WRATH AND ANGER AND CLAMOR AND SLANDER BE PUT AWAY FROM YOU ALONG WITH ALL MALICE” (EPH. 4:31)

We taught our kids that no one can make you angry, anger is a choice.

 Yes, things will happen that will upset you, but we taught them that...

My response is my responsibility. 

I cannot understate the importance of teaching this truth to your children NOW, before they swallow the two-sided lie:

1. That it is someone else’s fault that I am angry. (that is what abusers say)

2. That it is my fault when someone is angry with me. (this is what victims of abuse believe)

Praying for all of you as you shepherd this next generation,

Diane

repost 05.11.11

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

How:

Last week we discussed the Biblical view that anger is more than simply an unfortunate response to external circumstances, but is actually a sin rooted in the heart. As disciples of Jesus Christ we orient our thinking around the truths presented in the Word of God.

The world’s studies in psychology and psychiatry can only offer us Band-Aids, not cures for what ails us deep inside. They can only give us strategies to control the angry behavior we encounter in our children.

And that’s not all bad! Sometimes I need a Band-Aid for a while to protect the wound while I am healing.  But none of these methods will create lasting change in the heart.

I know that you wish I would give you an easy 1-2-3 plan right here and now. Do these three things and all those temper tantrums will disappear in less than 10 days! Guaranteed or your money back!

But I can’t and I won’t. Sin has no easy solutions.

However, there is one man who learned to tame his temper. Like the rest of us, he had to learn the hard way. And like some of your children, he had a reputation for volatility. In fact, Jesus, in that appealing way of His, named this man’s sin by nicknaming him and his brother, Boanerges, which means Sons of Thunder,[1] a not-so-subtle reference to their tendency towards ferocious outbursts. Yet towards the end of his life, this same man was re-titled, the Apostle of Love.

How did that happen? Well, let’s take a look at what John himself had to say about sin entrenched in our hearts:

“If we say that we have no sin,

we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins,

He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins

And to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

I John 1:8,9

Do you hear that? John’s sin of intense anger was overcome by this ridiculously simple “method”.

Here’s what happened:

1. He acknowledged his sin. No covering up or excusing it or blaming it on others. He was honest about the sin that defined him.
2. He confessed his sin. First of all to God, but then to those he had blasted with his tongue. James 5:16 urges us to confess our sins to one another. David, when dying inside because of his sexual sin, wrote:

“I acknowledged my sin to Thee, and my iniquity I did not hide;

I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”;

And Thou didst forgive the guilt of my sin.”

Psalm 32:5

1. God forgave his sin. Right then and there. No penance, no shame. The Greek word’s more thorough definition has to do with letting go of the power of sin. It involves liberating a person from the vice grip of sin.
2. God cleansed him of his sin. He freed him from the residual filth of his anger.

This is about as straightforward as it gets. By helping your child to acknowledge and name his sin of anger, and then to confess it to the Lord and whomever he lashed out at, he will be both forgiven and freed. Every time.

Easy? Not on your life. But simple- absolutely. Even a 2 year old can understand this.

And so can you.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Next week I’ll share with you the steps of discipline we took when dealing with our children’s anger in order to help them arrive at this place of repentance.

---

[1] Mark 3:17

repost 05.4.11

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Where did all that anger come from?

Have you asked yourself this question at some point of your child’s growth? And maybe you started the blame game. You know how that goes… “This has gotta be from your side of the family… none of us ever lost our tempers like that!” Or maybe you believed that all too pervasive teaching that says that sin is somehow passed down in our DNA, an unavoidable consequence of our forefathers’ mistakes[1]. But that is not what the Bible teaches. Scripture is crystal clear on this question of…

Where?

Anger is rooted in the soul. It begins and grows and murmurs in that part of us that makes up our mind, our will, and our emotions. Jesus put it this way:

“The mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.”

Yet at the same time, anger can and does have physical manifestations, such as lashing out or what the Bible calls a “fallen countenance”.

‘Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why is your countenance fallen?”

Genesis 4:6

It is important for us, as parents, to remember that the physical triggers are never theroot of anger. That’s why we deal wisely with theheart rather than simply punishing the behavior.

All too often, the secular viewpoint focuses on how to express anger rather than how to get to the root issues of where all that rage is erupting from. Such teachings can give us strategies on howto control angry behavior but they miss the disease that causes it in the first place.

Knowing that your child’s heart is harboring anger will enable you to dig deeper, to pray for wisdom, and to help him to root it out.

How do you do that?

1. Pray for wisdom- James 1:5 is your go-to verse. Ask God for wisdom and then wait for it with the confident expectation that He cares intimately about this problem in your child’s heart. He will bring His wisdom for your uniquely crafted child.
2. Seek counsel- One of the key ways God gives wisdom is through the wise counsel of godly men and women. This is not the same as going around asking anyone and everyone to weigh in on what they think you ought to do. Look for people who are wise in the Word and are willing to be honest enough to tell you what you may not want to hear. Read Proverbs 15:5.
3. Ask questions- Wisdom in Scripture is linked with understanding. Not excusing, mind you, but an honest attempt to discover how God made your child. Proverbs 22:6 ---- encourages parents to train their child according to the way they should go. That phrase could be more literally translated, according to their bent. Each and every created person reflects facets of God’s character. Ask questions- both of yourself and of your child to investigate that bent. What pushes his buttons? What begins her meltdown? What is she willing to sin to get? What motivates him?
4. Watch closely- God watches us. Not as an impossible to please task master, but as a loving Father whose ultimate desire for us is that by walking in His ways and knowing His heart we would become who we were always meant to be. Proverbs 5:21 says that our ways always before His eyes and “He watches all his paths.” Watch your little boy or girl. Watch prayerfully. Notice and observe him.
5. Dig deeper- As a parent whose foremost desire for your child is to see him or her envelop his life in God, you are going to need to personally dig deep into God’s Word to find parallels and principles that apply to your child. Don’t wait for someone to spoon-feed you- this is your calling. As you cry out in prayer for your angry child, ask God to lead you to examples in Scripture that will open your understanding and enrich your approach to training your child.

Remember, God knows and loves your child. He sees who He designed him to be and He will never give up on him. And He assignedyouto train him and He has given you all you need to fulfill that task. Next week we’ll begin to take a closer look at howto train your child to conquer anger and live peaceably.

From my heart,

Diane

Scriptures for your study:

2 Peter 1:2-8

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Colossians 3:8-10

Proverbs 4:7-14

---

[1] An unfortunate misinterpretation of Exodus 34:7

repost 04.27.11

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

When:

When is it imperative and appropriate for a mother or father to deal with the anger that rises to the surface and spills out over into a child’s life and relationships?

Always. Every time. Every single time.

This is one of the few issues that come with a sort of no-tolerance clause attached. Remember the story of Moses? He was assigned by God to lead the nation of Israel out of their cruel bondage in Egypt into the Promised Land. He was a hero— a brave man and a fearless leader.  The Israelites should have trusted him after all they’d seen God do through him in convincing Pharaoh to let them go. Instead, they grumbled and complained and balked at every instruction he gave them.

Sound a little like your two year old? Or your teenager?

Moses finally got fed up when he returned from his holy encounter with God on top of Mt. Sinai, that tablet of Ten Commandments tucked under his arm. As he walked down the mountain, the repulsive sight of his redeemed people worshipping a golden calf shocked him. They had melted all the gold that God had provided for them in order to do the one thing He’d entreated them never to do: prostitute themselves to a man-made idol.

When Moses saw how angry God became at their sin he begged the Lord to hold off from wiping them out for the sake of His own reputation amongst the nations.

“So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said he would do to His people.”

Moses’ intervention actually changed God’s mind!

When Moses realized that God had actually stayed His hand of punishment, he sang this song:

“The Lord, the Lord God,

compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger,

and abounding in lovingkindness and truth;

who keeps lovingkindness for thousands,

who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin…

and Moses made hast to bow low toward the earth and worship.”

Exodus 34:6,7,8

Yet with all that, Moses later lost his temper with the people when yet one more time they grumbled and complained and tested him sorely.  In one grand display of anger, Moses cut himself off from God’s blessing and cut himself out of the Promised Land by slamming his staff against the rock, calling the Israelites “you rebels[1]”, and lambasting them for their stubbornness. Rather than excuse him, God permanently banned him from entering the place he had spent all those years leading his people to. Because of his sin he was destined to die alone on a mountaintop just within sight of his dream.

God takes anger seriously.

He doesn’t excuse it.

He never ignores it.

He always disciplines it.

Always.

And that’s a lot to think about.

From my heart,

Diane

---

[1]See how seriously God takes name calling in Matthew 5:21,22

repost  03.30.11

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

What:

Galatians 5:19,20,22,23 in the Amplified Bible describes the difference between a person who is acting in the flesh (or naturally) and a person who is living a life filled full of God’s Spirit. I’ve edited the verse down to include just the parts about anger, but you’d be wise to look up the whole passage:

Now the doings (practices) of the flesh are clear—obvious:

They are… strife, jealousy, anger (ill temper), selfishness…

But the fruit of the Spirit (the work which His presence accomplishes)—

is love, joy(gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), goodness (benevolence), faithfulness; (meekness, humility), gentleness, self-control (self-restraint, continence)…

Notice that last word, self-control. It is also translated as self-restraint and, get this, continence. What a strange word! I’m sure you’re thinking just what I am: Depends commercials! And leeky diapers and messiness and putrid odors…

To be an incontinent Christian, or an incontinent mother, or an incontinent child is to be one who leaks out all over the place… at the most inconvenient and embarrassing of times!

We have got to teach our children to control themselves lest they be categorized as one of these angry people to be avoided at all cost.

When anger “leaks” out in an incontinent moment it takes various forms:

• Bitterness
• Self-pity
• Explosions
• Over-reactions
• Jabbing
• Emotional withdrawal
• Hitting- others, oneself, or an object

Again, the Amplified Bible expounds on the breadth of the original language:

Let all bitterness and indignations and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper)

and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contentions)

and slander (evilspeaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you,

with all malice (spite, ill will or baseness of any kind).

Ephesians 4:31

Do you see how seriously God takes anger? He calls it just as it is, never excusing it or hoping it will go away. Though anger is most definitelycommon in families and between siblings, it is by no meansnormalaccording to God’s definition. Therefore, just as you would never dream of simply rolling your eyes at behaviors such as lying and stealing and setting fire to the living room sofa, you must never take any form of anger lightly. It is a destructive sin that will not simply disappear with maturity.

The really good news is that Jesus paid for all that anger on the Cross, and He has given you and your family everything you need to overcome the sin of anger.

From my heart,

Diane

Check out these verses:

2 Peter 1:1-8

Galatians 5:13-26 (see vs. 15 for siblings who pick on each other)

2 Corinthians 9:8

Genesis 4:1-10 (especially vs. 5-7)

repost .03.23.11

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Who:

No one can make you angry. Read that again. No one can make you angry. Angry reactions are always a choice. That is why over and over again in the Scriptures we read verses that implore us not to be angry. To stop it, to cease from anger and turn away from it.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander

be put away from you, along with all malice.”

Ephesians 4:31

“Be angry and yet do not sin;

do not let the sun go down on your anger,

and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

Ephesians 4:26,27

If you do nothing else to train you child to deal with anger, please, please do this! Teach him that his anger is his responsibility. Period. By teaching him just this one thing, you are not only saving him from a whole lot of trouble as a result of his own anger, but you are also protecting him or her from the angry abuse of another.

Here are some Scriptures to look into:

Proverbs 29:11

Proverbs 19:18,19

Proverbs 22:24,25

Ecclesiastes 7:9

And remember, one of the most effective ways to teach this is when you blow it. When (notice, not if) you respond to you child in an angry way, be quick to apologize sincerely and without excuse. Here’s how that might sound:

“Honey, I am so sorry for raising my voice at you a moment ago. (Be specific) That was wrong of me to do. It is never okay for any of us to yell at each other or to treat each other with disrespect. I have confessed my anger to God and am really sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.”

Follow your confession by affection and then leave it alone. No, but you shouldn’t have… In most instances the misdeed of the child is going to have to be overlooked in light of your angry outburst lest you in some subtle way indicate that he caused your anger.

Like almost every other aspect of training your children in the ways of the Kingdom, this is going to take lots and lots of time. Be patient with yourself and with your child.

And remember… Philippians 1:6

“For I am confident of this very thing,

that He who began a good work in you

will perfect it

until the day of Christ Jesus.”

From my heart,

Diane

repost from 4.10.2012

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Why: Part 3

Your child is angry and you don’t know why. For the past 2 weeks we’ve been discussing trigger points- those hot buttons which, when pushed in just the right combination, lead almost inevitably to anger. Today I want to bring up that all-too-frequent problem of “temper tantrums” which the Bible terms as thumos, or explosive outbursts of anger.

Willfulness -

What we call a temper tantrum is really an all out demand:

“I want what I want and I want it now!”

When our youngest son, Matt was about 18 months old he started having temper tantrums. I’d already raised three kids through those supposedly terrible two’s so I felt like I had a handle on how to respond to these out-of-control outbursts of anger.

1. be consistent
2. no excuses- but avoid those circumstances that almost insure a scene
3. spank each and every time. (yes, I do believe that spanking is the most effective biblical means of disciplining a temper tantrum)

That’s how we’d handled these incidences in the past and it had worked remarkably well. I knew what to do and how to do it… or so I thought!

But Matt-man, as we called him back then, wrote the book on temper tantrums! He had them every single day- sometimes every hour. I mean, the knock-down-on-the-floor-out-of-control variety. Awful.

It was tempting to give up, to settle for less, to say, “Well, that’s just the way Matthew is… I’ll just do the best I can.”

But my husband wouldn’t let me. He insisted that we prayand planand work to eradicate every last vestige of temper that had lodged itself in Matthew’s character.

And do you know, looking back now at how hard that 18 month period of my life was, I am so thankful that we stuck with it. I am so glad that I limited my life for those months- and so glad that we spanked him so much!

Today, Matthew, the man, is one of the most peaceable people I know. He is not, as the Bible says, “easily angered”. When he is really pushed to the very limit of his patience, Matt deals with it with gentleness and acceptance. He has a strong spirit that he is able to keep under control with dignity and grace.

Here is the Word from God to burn into your mind and heart:

“Discipline your child

While there is hope

And do not desire his death.

A man of great anger will bear the penalty,

For if you rescue him,

You will only have to do it again.”

Proverbs 19:18,19

And someday you will be so glad you did!

From my heart,

Diane

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Why:

Last week we discussed 2 common triggers for anger in our children. Here is one more...

Stress

Let’s face it, we live in an immensely stress filled society. Our little one’s senses are inundated by sensorial stresses from flashing lights, blasting noise, captivating smells and overwhelming crowds. Add to that the pressure to be always on the go in order to “develop your child to their full potential” and our kids have more stress than they can handle.

There is one solution to all this stress- SLOW DOWN!

So many edgy, irritated children would benefit from more quiet and more order in their lives. Time to just play. To pretend. To run and jump unimpeded by adults telling them what to do and where to go.

Reduce the level of stress in your home as well. Turn off the T.V. except for special family times when you all cuddle up together in your p.j.’s to watch a favorite movie. Many children “come off” t.v. with pent up anger. Something about processing all that stimulation creates in these children an almost volcanic response. Our son, John Mark’s reaction after watching “innocent” cartoons was to turn around and bop his little sisters! As soon as the t.v. turned off, he’d almost always erupt in an uncontrollable frenzy which led inevitably to a melt down. When we finally caught on to the pattern and stopped using the t.v. as a babysitter, all that abrasive action settled down. Such a simple thing made such an enormous difference.

Look around your home as well. Is it neat and orderly? Do you have too many toys out at one time? There is an inherent serenity attached to order, which our children react to on some visceral level. And you know, it really only takes a couple of minutes to throw it all in boxes and close the closet door. Keep your home decently tidy and you might really see the level of anger settle down in your child.

Well, I’ve gone too long… I’ll include one more anger trigger next week and discuss the repercussions of temper tantrums that come with unchecked willfulness in children.

From my heart,

Diane

Look up these Scriptures to wrap your head around what God says about stress…

Psalm 23- notice how the Good Shepherd leads His people

Psalm 90:12- isn’t this what we’re trying to do in our child’s heart?

Psalm 37

Hebrews 4

repost from 4.6.11

For the past several weeks I have been getting a flood of questions about dealing with anger in our children. It seems that the more we look at this issue from a Biblical perspective, the more we need to relearn. Much of what we have learned apart from the Scriptures has to do with either suppressing or excusing anger in our children. Yet the Bible does neither. For the next few weeks we are going to take a look into the Word of God to examine the Who, What, Why, When, Where, and How of dealing with anger in our children… and ourselves. I would suggest that every mother/woman/parent take some time to look up the Scriptures quoted, perhaps writing them out on a 3x5 card, in order to readjust the way you think and feel and believe about the very real problem of anger.

Why:

Sometimes we can trace our child’s anger to a certain trigger point, a hidden button somewhere lurking beneath the surface of a child’s heart which, when pushed just the right way, leads to angry outbursts. Now remember, no one can make anyone angry, it is each person’s responsibility to control their temper. Yet as a wise parent, we can watch for the underlying patterns in order to help our child overcome this sinful and destructive reaction.

Here are a few triggers the Scriptures make note of:

#1:Control

Some children (and some adults!) seem to need to try to control everything and everyone around them. That is not, in and of itself, a terribly bad quality. Our world is led by men and women who are not afraid to be out in front, leading the charge. But when that need for control leads a child to use anger as a means of the controlling people around him- watch out! It is our responsibility as parents to correct our children, teaching and training them how to use their leadership qualities wisely and well.

The problem with this trigger for anger is that it works! Friends, teachers, even parents, will often go out of their way to appease an angry child lest their anger develop into a full blown temper tantrum.

One of the reasons I am not a big fan of preschool is because the ages between 3 and 5 seem to be the optimal time for a mother to consistently teach her sons and daughters the intricacies of interpersonal relationships. While having a friend to your home to play for an afternoon, you can observe your child’s social behavior and gently correct negative patterns that emerge. By catching this tendency to use anger to control people early, you can often avoid confrontational clashes later with your child when the habit has been more fully formed.

#2:Frustration

Some children seem to be born with a quick fuse when it comes to obstacles in their path. Learning to tie their shoes can usher in hurricane force anger.

One day when my oldest son was 5 years old, we were sitting at the kitchen table while I helped him learn to write his letters. His frustration at not being able to write them “perfect” boiled over into a fit of all out rage. He threw his pencil across the kitchen, scrunched up the paper he had laboriously filled with marks, and let out a yell of unadulterated anger. Trying to calm him, I praised his letters, saying something motherly like, “But that’s a great M, you’re doing so well…”, to which he replied, “But its doesn’t look great to ME!” Ah, the pain of perfectionism.

After that outburst, I put away the pencils and didn’t allow the little guy to practice letters for a full 6 months. By that time his motor skills had matured remarkably and he was more able to produce the kind of letters his head told his hand to write.

You will need to help a child like this learn to patiently and persistently overcome obstacles by doing things with him. Sit beside him through those frustrations and be like a cheerleader encouraging him through the difficult process.

Do not allow him to take his anger out on people or property or he will be doing it for the rest of his life.

Look back here next week as we explore two more why’s of anger.

From my heart,

Diane

Some Scriptures to study:

Proverbs 16:21 (for your bossy controller)

James 1:19,20 (for moms and dads too!)

I Samuel 9-11 (study the life of Saul, a good leader whose anger ultimately drove him to insanity)

For those of you who scratch your heads and wonder what all this talk about temper tantrums and anger and defiance has been about, I can only say that for some parents with some children, it is a daily struggle. This will be our last post about dealing with anger in our children. Next week we’ll be moving on to a series called The Box.

This is a letter I sent to my daughter in response to her crying out for wisdom concerning her almost-two year old son. I didn’t intend these words for anyone but Elizabeth and maybe that’s why I’m able to give them to you now. This is my own heart pouring into my own daughter as she guides her son- my grandson- into a life of flourishing faith.

Dear Daughter:

This is a question that I want to take a little time to answer here... I'm all curled up in my big chair with a steaming cup of tea. By my side is a pile of great biblical parenting books, along with my Bible.

What you are encountering with Duke is his version of simple rebellion. We call these "temper tantrums". The Bible often uses the phrase "outburst of anger". Basically, your darling little baby is growing up and asserting his drive for dominion.

He craves absolute control- not unlike the first Adam and the first Eve who chose to override God's desire for them.

Left unchecked, this rebellion will lead to his death- if not physically, at least spiritually and certainly relationally. He will hurt and alienate people he disagrees with and he will be unable to gather the strength it takes to submit to the authorities in his life.

By dealing with this problem early in his life, while his will is just emerging, you are giving him the great benefit of learning to control those surges of willful rebellion.

If you think a 20 month-old's outburst is brutal, wait until he's 3... or 13…or 30. Every time you discipline him now you are enabling him to build a wall of protection around his will so that someday he will have what it takes to do that agonizing submitting of his will to the Father.

Take a peek at Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane... sweating great drops of blood in a fight against His will to avoid the hell He was facing. Hebrews 5:8 says, "Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered."

In the book Shepherding a Child's Heart, Tedd Tripp says this, "The rod of correction brings wisdom to the child. It provides an immediate tactile demonstration of the foolishness of rebellion. Properly administered discipline humbles the heart of the child, making him subject to parental correction."

What he is talking about is that softness that happens after the spanking is given. That is the beautiful moment when his heart beats with yours and you speak words of approval as well as correction to a gentled will.

That 1/2 hour you spent comforting him was easily as weighted of a moment as the couple of minutes it took to spank him. The two go hand in hand to complete the goal of training him to submit his will by an act of his will, and then to experience the peace and reconciliation that comes as a result.

So you see? As loathsome as this is, you are imprinting on his heart a condition which he will gravitate back to for the rest of his life. He will someday transfer the intentional submission of his will to you and Brook into an ability to intentionally submit his will to the Father- and he will instinctively know God's peace and approval in the process.

As to how dramatic and difficult it is right now, I think that has to do with a couple of things.

1. His personality/mission

Leaders have a lot of will to learn to conquer. They are not naturally compliant people. They can be pushy and assertive and insistent. Therefore, his response to having his will denied is going to be loud and pushy and insistent.

2. His age

Duke is just finding his voice, just realizing that he is "ME". He has very little capacity to understand "will" and "no" and "quiet". Dreadful as it may feel to one as gentle in spirit as you are, he must learn these things the hard way

3. Timing

Some of these outbursts may be happening because you are catching it just a tad too late. After all, this temper has just started, it is a new reaction. The quicker you recognize what is happening, the less drama involved.

Most of the time we do the opposite. We wait until it gets REALLY BAD and then we set out to spank. I have found over and over again that spanking early enables the parent to spank a whole lot less and with much clearer results.

So... hang in there. Keep at it. You are building one brick at a time.

Keep filling in the spaces with verbal instruction, lots of time to play, physical affection and plenty of freedom to unleash some of that pent-up man-ness.

And don't take it personally, dear daughter of mine. He is not rebelling against you so much as against anyone and everyone who would dare stop him from doing exactly what he wants to do.

Your job is simply to obey God, even at great cost to your own comfort.

One more thing- Pray! Give these outbursts to God. Partner with Him to shape and mold and shine up Duke's spirit. I don't know why we so often forget that part! We jump right into the "I don't know what to do", when the Father is on the sidelines waiting for you to ask.

James 1:5 is the best prayer for parents that I know. Ask God to soften Duke's outbursts and quickly bring his heart into an understanding of submission.

Long, long answer my dear. I wish I could make it easier- wish there was a tidy formula to wrap it all up in ten days or your money back.

I do know that in the process of representing the loving but fearsome Father to Duke, you are involved in a high and holy calling. And I also know that it will take every bit of your intelligence, wisdom, understanding, and resolve to accomplish the task.

But I also know who is with you in this. Can't you just seem Him nodding in agreement with a great smile of approval on His face? I can imagine a whole crowd of witnesses actively standing on their tippy-toes, praying for you, hoping for you, cheering you on. Maybe Duke even has ancestors in that group, Grandpa Comer perhaps?

I love you! And am so proud of your will to persist and determination to learn.

Love,

Mom

(source)

Quite a few of you have asked me to write about why I chose to devote so many years of my life to teaching my children at home.

I started to try to write something about the pros and cons of every option- public school, private school, or home school. I just couldn’t get it right.  It seemed that no matter what I wrote, I ended up simply spouting an opinion, and that’s not what this page is about.

It really is my burning desire to write wise words gleaned from God’s Word.

Then I stumbled upon a post by my all time favorite blogger, Ann Voskamp. Her reasons for home schooling her own children are stated with more intelligence and eloquence than I could ever hope to put on paper.

If you are in that wisdom-seeking process of investigating the options and deciding what God wants for your family at this time, this post is worth mulling over.

Home schooling is not a wise choice for everyone. Nor is it the mark of a good and godly mother. It is simply one viable option for some families.

Someday soon I’ll post something about how to do public school well from a mother who has been there and seen her children thrive. Those of you who choose that option will need some wise words from wise women to make that work for your family.

And I’ll do the same for the private, Christian school option.

In the mean time, enjoy those children who grace your home. Relish every moment you have to teach and train and be with God’s gifts to you.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

This is the most important thing you will every do!

From my heart,

Diane

For weeks now we have been talking about this insidious, all-too-pervasive problem of anger in our children. We have recognized our own anger and learned when to not discipline because our own emotions are not under control. We have taken a long hard look at how God views outbursts of anger. And we’ve examined the inner workings of our lifestyle; those patterns we have fallen into that might provoke our poor kids to acting out of frustration at a too busy, too stressed, too messy life.

Now its time to get serious.

After all you’ve done to rework your own attitude and schedule, restructuring your home in such a way as to give your young children the best possible environment for success, Johnny gets mad. So mad that he throws himself on the floor, flinging toys and flailing limbs in a grand display of fury. What now?

Spank him.

This is the way of Scripture. It is the way of wisdom. And it works— eventually.

Now, I first have to qualify what a spanking is not.

What a spanking is not:

• A spanking is not a swat on the behind.

To go after your child with your hand raised in a force-filled display of adult power is not a biblical spanking! That’s hitting. That’s what a bully does.

• A spanking is not a last resort when all else fails.

Repeated warnings and time outs and yelling and scolding that eventually escalates to spanking is a dangerous use of discipline. Your child will not have any idea when “enough is enough” if you randomly reach for the next most forceful means of conveying your displeasure.

A wise parent matches the appropriate discipline to the behavior of the child.

• A spanking is not child abuse.

Nor is it illegal. A calm, loving, thought-through spanking is not out of control or damaging. It does not cause harm to the child— either emotionally or physically.

• A spanking is not random.

It is planned, explained, and anticipated as a direct result of disobedience.

• A spanking is not public.

A carefully processed spanking is private, between parent and child. It should be done behind closed doors with a minimum of fuss. It should never be used to shame your child, nor should it ever be done in front of others. Better to by-pass the needed spanking than to spank in a public place.

• A spanking is not corporal punishment.

A biblical spanking is not punishment at all. A punishment is giving someone what he or she deserves. To discipline is a form of training your child to respond in the right way— the way that will bring blessing into his or her life.

So, you’re not going to chase your child down, or swat his diaper protected little behind, or give him “what he deserves”. Instead, you are going to spank him.

How to spank:

• Identify what you will use to spank with.

Never use your hand. I want my hands to be used to comfort and calm, not to cause pain. That brief moment it takes to go and get the “spanking spoon”, gives you a few seconds to ask yourself if this spanking is being done in careful love.

• Find a private place.

Go to a quiet room away from others, close the door, and begin the process.

• Use concise, clear words to explain.

For very young children, the less words, the better. “No temper” is easily understood. An older child needs some explanation. But avoid a scolding at this point. You’ve already decided to spank him, keep shame away.

• Ask him to tell you why you are spanking him. Be specific.

It is important that you are sure you’ve communicated your heart to your child. If he thinks you are spanking him because you’re mad, then no heart change will happen on his part. He might not agree with you, but at least prompt him to identify why you have chosen to spank him.

• Three swats are plenty.

Less is more when it comes to a spanking. What you want is a soft, sorry child, not a terrified child writhing in pain.

• Gather him close.

When the spanking is over, draw him into your embrace and kiss his tears away. Cuddle, soothe, and rock him gently as his crying subsides. If he draws away from you, pull him back and tell him he must come into your embrace. Train him that this is a part of the process whether he wants it or not. You are giving him what he needs.

• Pray a blessing on him.

This is a time to thank God out loud for all the things you love about this child He has created. It is a time to believe with God in your child. Do not pray worried, scolding prayers in front of your child, lest he think God is mad at him. Save those for later when you are alone and crying out for wisdom.

• It’s done!

Never mention it again. Tell you husband privately so he gets a glimpse into the patterns you are dealing with, but don’t make this into a big family discussion. Your child sinned; you spanked him, and now its over.

That’s just how God disciplines us, and He calls it GRACE.

From my heart,

Diane

The best book I know about biblical discipline is Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. He thoroughly explains the why’s and how’s of spanking and the processes involved in shaping your child’s heart.