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The sun sleeps, tucked in tight, as I write these words, still too early on a winter’s morn to rise and melt the frost from the ground. In the dark my family slumbers on, wrapped in the downy warmth of dreams, serenely oblivious to the stresses that will rise with the dawn.

I am wide awake. Teapot half empty, my mind fills with rumblings of ideas. Words catch my listening ears in the stillness. Words from a Father who speaks in the silence.

I have always loved these earliest morning hours. On the rare times when I awake to others already awake, I feel the loss, the disappointment— as if I’ve missed the mystical magic of the morning.

And I know why…

Every morning when I was growing up, my dad got up first. Quietly, he’d patter down the stairs, plug in the coffee pot filled with Folgers the night before. While the perking and burbling filled the kitchen, scents drifted to my bedroom at the top of the stairs. And up he’d come.

Every morning.

“Di, it’s time to wake up.” He’d nudge my shoulder while I pretended to sleep. “Honey, wake up, it’s time…” the allure of sweetened coffee surrounding him like priceless perfume.

Eyes open now, my first glimpse of every day was him. My father: gentle, firm, kind, in control.

Every morning.

And I wake the same way still. Gently, sensing something, someone. Happy, ready, wanting to wake up, I rise as if my dad were hovering close with kind urgings to meet my day. A smile.

How many mornings have I sensed the Father’s breath on my face, His invitation to come, to meet Him before my world awakes? Just like my dad.

Come and be with Me.

And I do.

Far away, high in the mountains he loves, my dad is awake too. Wrapped in his plaid robe, slippers on, hair all ajumble. He’s got the coffee going, a light by his chair. He watches the sun rise, filling the silence with his own thoughts. Plans and hopes for the day ahead.

And I wonder, Dad, do you remember? A little girl, grown now, with wrinkles of her own. Did you know then that you were ushering me into the magic of the morning? Did you sense my need to be with you first? To share the quiet?

Or was it the Father of us both who knew? That one day I’d want these mornings with Him. That in the quiet I’d hear. That I’d need to get up early and He could make me want to by giving me a dad to love me this way.

My dad wasn’t perfect, of course not. But he made perfect mornings for me and he did it by just being himself… and by letting me be with him… and making me want to.

The sun is up now, the teapot empty. And I linger a while, my heart overflowing with memories of a childhood marked by joy. I wish, oh how I wish, that every child could say the same…

… and that alarm clocks would fade out of fashion… because of dad’s like mine.

From my heart,

Diane

5 Things My Dad Did Right:

1. He knew my need for a gentle touch.
2. He stayed the same, guaranteeing the security everyday sameness brings.
3. He didn’t let the stresses of his job interfere with quiet mornings.
4. He instilled in me the habit of preparing for the day ahead rather than flinging haphazardly into the fray.
5. He showed me the way of the Father without saying a word.

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Trust in the Lord and do good;

Dwell in the land and feast on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord…

Psalm 37:3,4

(NASB margin)

For several weeks I’ve pondered a quandary: How should I order my morning Bible reading for 2014?  Should I read it thru fast? The 90 day plan? Or should I go chronological? There is something to be said for getting the stories in their right order.

Which way is best? Which way is best for me? What does God want?

And all I hear as I ask is nothing. Like I’m missing something. As if His silence is a waiting pause… Like He’s waiting for me to know what He’s already said.

I think listening to God is sometimes like that. Long silences that pull me close. I stand on tippy toes to catch the words. Lean in to hear.

What is He saying?

My disorganized mind needs lists. Left without direction, I wander in circles, taking inordinate amounts of time to get nowhere.  I want a system; a chart with boxes to cross off.  A way forward to achieve what I want.

And so on January 1 I start with a chart. It’s the one I watch my God-following man plod through every year. Every single year. It took time for him to devise his way. A beautiful balance of Old and New, wisdom and worship.  He slips it between the yellowed pages of his well worn Bible, marks it forward , knows right where he’s headed.

I try.

Day One: Genesis 1,2, Matthew 1, Psalm 1, Proverbs 1.

A 20 minute read, ½ hour at most. I have the time, I have the will.  I’ve done this before.  I can do this.

But those beginning words…a poetic weaving of mystery and science, of who He is and who I am.  The Beginning pulls me into a heart so huge, I am caught and held in wonder. I cannot hurry through. I dare not.

Created in His own image… God patterned them after Himself… to be like Ourselves.

Perched in a window, mysterious morning fog veiling the view, I cannot get past those first words. Cannot help but reach into the closets of my mind, filled with so many sermons and studies, so many silent mornings, so much beauty.

That word, “good”, tob in the Hebrew; it means so much more than simply fine. More than a good dinner, a good book, a good day. He created light and it was beautiful.  He delighted in the best-ness of His made-by-hand craftsmanship.

Which means… that He made me with all my messiness. He saw the crazy chaotic workings of my brain, knew all about the random way words would catch and hold me… and He saw beauty. Not a mistake. Not someone who needs something to get it all together.

He said it was good.

And I’m an hour into this Listening time, still lingering in the first few verses of the first chapter of the first book. How will I ever drink it in fast enough? Shouldn’t I hurry up? Who gets behind on day one?

That’s when I hear the whisper…

And what is it you want? 

I want to learn. I want to achieve. I want to get it all in. But mostly, really, I want to fill up. To savor each delicious bite of goodness He offers, to chew and ponder and swallow His way of truth.

I want those toxic, addictive, go-to words of not-wisdom cleansed out of my system of thinking and knowing and feeling. I want to fill up with Him.

And that’s when I know I’ll never stick to the chart. Because I can’t. Because I shouldn’t. Because He made me random and slow and He says I am beautiful that way.

Instead, I’ll follow a path. I’ll start in the beginning of the Beginning and meander through to the end. I’ll take my own sweet time. I’ll taste and twirl and swallow and write it down in tidbits that stay with me. Then I’ll start over.

And all the while I’ll “feast on His faithfulness”. Climbing into His lap, I’ll open His Book wide and ask Him to read it to me. I’ll listen to the rumble of His voice with my broken ears right up close against His chest. I’ll feel Him. I’ll learn more of Him and from Him.

I’ll be just who I am with Him… because He says I’m beautiful.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. What about you? Do you have some sort of plan to direct the steps of your walk with God through His Word?

Might you take a moment to share it with us? What has worked and what hasn’t?

I’d love to know.

P.S.S. Here is Phil's Bible Reading Chart. It's also posted on the website for A Jesus Church. The great thing about this method is that it keeps you going back to Jesus' words all year long… and you'll fill up with the straight-forward wisdom of Proverbs by reading it through every month. 

Dear sons,

There is a story in the Bible just for men.

Well, maybe it wasn’t originally meant just for men, but it’s so typical, so like what happens every day between men and women, that I think every man should know this story and learn, lest they follow the same path and wreck the same havoc with the same mistake.

Here’s what happened:

A man took over a struggling business. For three years this man threw himself wholeheartedly into his work. He put in long hours, stayed up late worrying about what might happen if he failed. The man worked every connection, every possibility, every person he knew to come alongside him. He exerted his considerable leadership abilities, convincing the brightest and the best to come on board.

And he succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. His company’s holdings increased, making it the largest company in the world. He was lauded and applauded everywhere he went. Wealth poured in. People praised him.

He’d made it.

One day, the man decided to throw a party in celebration of his success. He invited everyone who’d contributed, from the most influential of investors to the lowliest suppliers. His entire board was there, each one looking smug and satisfied with the wealth of their holdings.

The press reported on his party with praise-filled reviews: “a tremendous display of the opulent wealth and glory of his empire.”[1]

Part way through his party, and more than part way inebriated, the man sent for his wife. He wanted her to strut her sexuality in front of these business associates. To let the men there know that his success in the bedroom reflected his success as a man.

When she refused to comply, he went ballistic. He said things he shouldn’t have. One thing led to another and he ended up wallowing in his own mess. One of those stupid things a man wakes up to regret.

“But after Xerxes’ anger cooled, he began thinking about Vashti…”[2]

Every time I read the story of Esther, I get stuck at the party scene. Something went terribly wrong and its what goes terribly wrong too often.

Somehow this whole group of smart, successful men managed to misinterpret the words of a woman who no doubt wanted to help. She knew he’d wake up the next morning embarrassed by his own lack of judgment.  In reality, this wife’s refusal to make a fool of both of them was for his own benefit as much as hers. And she wasn’t in a position to whisper politely in his ear.

And so, here are some things I think every man ought to know about what every woman wants… ways to help you avoid the mistakes made by Xerxes. Though I seriously doubt any of you would be quite so off-the-charts foolish as he was, still… he misread his wife and lived to regret it. Keep these questions tucked in for when you need them— it might just make all the difference.

Three questions to ponder:

(before you do/say/start something you’ll regret)

 1.    What does she want for you?

Too many men think that women just want something from them. The reality is that good-hearted women, even when they come off as bossy and difficult to please, always want the best for their men.

Is she hinting and poking and suggesting something over and over? Instead of batting her words away like a pesky fly, take a moment to listen. She just may be on to something. Something that will improve your own life and relationships and ability to succeed.

A wise man actually asks her what she’s getting at. Nicely. Then he takes her words and thinks about it. She just may be on to something.

2.    What worries her about you?

If you have a woman in your life who frets over some hidden flaw of yours, you are the luckiest of men.

I know it’s hard to see it that way, but here’s what most men don’t get: Women have a unique ability to see every one of your flaws and still admire who you are.

The reason she’s worried is because she knows and dreads the consequences you so blithely brush off. She’s not nagging simply because your flaw irritates her— she’s fussing because she knows your flaw may well sink you on your path to success.

And she wants you to succeed! A woman admires a man who is good at what he does and she knows she can help you.

When she corrects the way you relate to your kids or acts appalled at how you treated the barista behind the coffee bar, it’s because she cares about you. She knows that in this world a man’s success depends, at least in part, on how well he relates to people.

A wise man listens to all those worries and takes heed. Like a warrior consulting his scouts, he pays attention. Then he takes her worries to God and humbly listens.

3.    What is she trying to fix for you?

It is instinctive in a woman to fix. She can’t help it, she can’t stop it. A good-hearted woman cannot fathom twiddling her fingers while one she loves suffers or might suffer or once suffered.

That’s why she offers advice so much— not because she thinks you’re less than adequate, but because she wants to help. She wants to offer her own strength to make you shine.

To make life better.

The problem is, most men interpret all those hints and suggestions and ideas for improvement as nagging.

It’s not. At least that’s not the way she means it.

And neither does it have anything to do with disrespect. Women offer each other advice all the time. It’s the way we love, the way we tuck our people in and make their lives more bearable.

A wise man sees the big picture and interprets all her fixing as her way of loving. He listens, hearing her words and all the loyalty behind them. And every once in a while he thanks her for being so passionate and fierce and wise and caring.

My advice to every young (and not so young) man is to regularly sit down and invite the woman who loves you to answer these questions honestly. Make her a cup of her favorite coffee, sit out on the back porch, and lean forward to listen.

She loves you. She cares how you come across. She’s probably more aware of how people respond to you than you are. Give her half a chance and she’ll coach you well and wisely.

From my heart,

Diane

PS: Girls, can you give us advice on how to say it right? How to be both respectful and honest with these men we love?

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[1] Esther 1:4

[2] Esther 2:1

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WHAT EVERY WOMAN REALLY  WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS 

We’ve browsed through magazines, linked onto websites, and made our wish lists. Clothing sizes, shoe preferences, colors and particulars. Everything we think our men need to know in order to give us a Christmas to remember.

Now, armed with ideas, men are heading to the mall, determined to get that one thing they hope will make a woman happy.

And so, I have a list of my own to give the men who love the women I care about. It won’t break the bank or your back, but it will give her exactly what she really wants from you this Christmas.

Ten Things To Give The Woman You Love For Christmas:

1.  Your Attention- full and undivided.

Uninterrupted by cell phone rings and texting dings. She knows you can’t give it all the tim e, but for Christmas won’t you try? Do it on purpose.

2. Your Eyes- it’s the stuff of romance.

When a man looks into a woman’s eyes she knows he sees her. But it doesn’t have to be Hollywood mush. Just a moment of linking up, of homing in on the window to her soul. Dive deep. There's a person of unique value in there. Look for what she cannot say.

3.  Your Touch- purposeful and affectionate.

A way of showing her you connect with her. Women crave those brushes of love against their skin. To run your fingers across her heart, you'll need to step into her space and bring her into yours.

4.  Your Stories- give her a memory, a picture in your mind that you’ve tucked away somewhere of her being who she is and you loving that part of her. Tell it well and she’ll know for a moment that you really do know her.

5.  Your Hope- she sees everything not right with the world she’s trying to create for those she loves.  Tell her it’s okay, that perfection isn’t perfect, that love is messy and so is real life and you love her no matter what.

6.  Your Honor- What is the thing she does remarkably well? Have you told her? Have you told her in front of others? It’s not a woman’s way to brag about herself. Can you be her trumpeter?

7.  Your Depths- Give her those hidden hopes and dreams and thoughts and observations that will never be part of a quick phone call. She wants to know you way deep down inside.

8.  Your Help- Christmas can be overwhelming for a woman. So much to do and so many glossy pictures of others doing it better. Get up and help her. Lend a hand. Make life a little easier for her so she can be who she really is. And jump in before she gets crabby about all the work, she hates herself for being like that.

9.  Your Generosity- Can you choose in the midst of the pressures of real life to give a little more extravagantly than anyone would expect? Add a flourish. Make her coffee and cover it with whipped cream. Buy her something she doesn’t need. Bless her.

10.  Your Love- That’s what she really wants.

Every woman I know wants to be loved. To be considered better than average in a world that measures our success by means we’ll never attain.

To be  held in a place so uniquely special to you that you’re willing to give your attention, your eyes, your touch, your stories, your hope and honor and depths and help and generosity just to be sure she knows how much you love her.

We want to feel loved.

You have it in your power to give that kind of love this Christmas to your wife or your girlfriend, your good friend, your mom.

Will you?

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. How about telling us that one remarkable thing you love about her? We’d love to hear— I’d love to hear!

Dear friends,

Since God loved us that much,

We surely ought to love each other.

I John 4:11

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FAITHFULNESS

(part two)

Dear girls,

I wrote last week about what every woman wants— faithfulness. And though I may use implication here to dance around and hint and subtly imply, God isn’t quite so shy with His words:

May your wife be a fountain of blessing to you…

 Why spill the water of your love in public, having sex with just anyone?

Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,

or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman?

And then, as He often does, God answers His own questions. He gives both husbands and wives the way to avoid what He terms “incredible folly”:

Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife.

You should reserve it for yourselves.

Don’t share it with strangers.

Proverbs 5

And so, my dear girls, we need to talk about our part in the faithfulness we want forever. Because to “just say no” to the pulsing need and power of his sexuality is not God’s plan— nor is it enough.

God created marriage as a safe place for a man to entrust his sexuality to a woman whose desires are cultivated by his.

The beauty of His story is evidenced in the way a man responds to the unveiling of a woman’s body. And then the desire a woman experiences when her husband  responds.

An enticing dance between two entirely different and uniquely created people who want the same thing— union, completeness, satisfaction, love. 

Last week I wrote to the men about how to be faithful to their wives. And yet even as I was writing, I realized that this cannot be the responsibility of men alone. We, as woman, have a role to play in our husband’s faithfulness. Just as he does in ours.

And so today I want to argue last week’s points backwards. To talk to you about partnering with your husband so that he doesn’t have to fight “every man’s battle” alone.

Three Ways To Help Your Husband Be Faithful:

1.  By focusing on him.

When life gets busy and kids and careers and all the gazillion realities of real life for real women overwhelm us, our men generally get back-burnered.

They’re strong, they’re independent. They can take care of themselves.

And so we forget what we knew when we were first connecting— that our men need times of our full attention. They need us to see them. To pick up on the subtle hints that maybe their world is running a little ragged.

They need us to notice the victories of every day. To applaud their strategies, to recognize their contribution to a better world.

Our men need us to be proud of them.

Because, frankly, most of our men are being sent the message that they’re insignificant, insufficient, inept and unnecessary. And sometimes, unknowingly, we add to that pile of inadequacy by simply not seeing them.

2.  By delighting him and delighting in him.

Thirty-six years ago when I was doing everything within my feminine powers to capture Phil’s heart, I had this science of delighting a man down pat.

Did I flirt? You bet I did. Did I make him smile? Yep. Did I hang on his every word, rub his shoulders, dress myself attractively, wear shiny lipstick? Of course I did!

I wanted Phil to want me because I wanted him. And I still want him. I want all of him. I want only him.

Maybe it’s time we resurrected the art of alluring our husbands. Of enticing them to laugh. Of making them feel as good as they really are.

And while we’re at it, why don’t we remember what it was about him that got our attention in the first place? It’s still there, buried under the responsibilities and pressures of the battles he fights every day. And maybe we’ve lost sight of him because we’re too busy trying to remake him into our BFF.

Paula Rinehart, one of my all time favorite writers for women says, “If you hold up a negative lens, you’ll see what you expect to see.” And, “men aren’t women with big feet and beards, they’re completely other.”

She’s right, you know. These other creatures with beards and big feet will never measure up to a woman’s standard of perfection. They’re not supposed to. If we’re to delight them and delight in them we’d do well to remember that.

3.  By pursuing him.

My mother diligently taught me not to chase men. “Run just fast enough to get caught” was her 1950’s mantra. But when it comes to marriage, her dating advice runs on empty.

Husbands want to be pursued. To be sought after and admired and yes, he wants to know you’re aroused by him too. Your husband wants to be wanted. Of course he does.

And here’s the sad truth, girls: There are always women waiting in the shadows to pursue your husband.  

A wise woman who values her home knows this and makes sure she’s not simply using her husband as a garbage-taker-outer and kid-watcher.

A wise man who values his home knows this and sets high walls around himself to guard his purity.

A wise couple talks about this. They ask each other questions. They choose to focus on each other. They choose to find delight in each other and to give the other delightful memories. And they are both so busy pursuing each other that there’s really no room for anyone else.

That is what faithfulness really is: two people investing in each other to such an extent that nothing and nobody can wiggle into unseen cracks. Not babies or teenagers or anybody else. Ever.

From my heart,

Diane

PS: Okay, let’s hear it. Can you shake us out of our stupor and remind us how to focus and delight and pursue our husbands? Can you tell us how you are helping each other to remain faithful?

PSS: Just to be clear— a man or a woman is always completely and irrevocably responsible for his own faithfulness. We can join each other to fight against unfaithfulness, but it is ultimately always a choice a man or a woman makes.

Adultery is never, ever in any way the fault of the other.

Ever. 

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For we are God’s masterpiece.

He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Ephesian 2:10

Dear girls,

Today I thought I’d give you an update on the house we’re remodeling.  We had hoped to be in by Christmas but, like all remodels, this one is taking longer than we’d planned. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that I keep changing the plan. Every time I say, “I have an idea…” I see Phil shudder a little and sigh.

Because it’s nestled in a grove of fir trees and because the name of the street is Firwood, I’ve fallen into calling this house Firwood Cottage.

Which is really much too poetic a name for what is still a pitifully plain 1960’s box. But it encapsulates my dreams for what this home will someday be: a darling little cottage on the edge of a clearing down a bumpy lane from the village called Lake Grove.

(Still ugly on the outside.)

(Wood floors and new windows, moved walls and rewiring, pipes and panels and can lights… our little house is getting a complete make-over.)

Just as my name for the fixer-upper we’re remodeling is a bit grander than reality, it would seem that God’s name for me is almost embarrassingly boastful.

He calls me His masterpiece. 

And you, too! Just because He’s taken ownership of our lives and He knows the beauty He has planned.

In the same way that I see what my ugly little house will someday be, God sees who you are becoming. He can overlook the ugliness because He’s sketched out a plan and He’s crafting and carving and recreating the way He wants you to be.

That, my dear friends, is what redemption is all about. Beauty.

God taking my sorry mess and revisioning, recreating, reimagining who He knows I really am.

Sometimes the process is painful— ripping out the old wiring hurts.

Sometimes the process is messy— sweeping away the debris we’ve accumulated isn’t pretty.

Sometimes the process of creating beauty in our lives seems to stall— that’s when He’s doing a deeper work, down underneath where no one sees.

He knows all about the pain and the messiness and the delays and He isn’t in the least bit worried.

He loves you.

He loves working with you, loves coming close, loves who He knows you are becoming.

He’s not comparing you to the big house down the street because He loves cozy cottages where He is welcome and brought in, where He is wanted.

And He sees you.

He sees the nooks and crannies that add character, delights in the way you’re made. He knows how it all fits together and how you will turn out in the end.

And I think He just can’t stop smiling your way. I think He’s surrounded by that great crowd of witnesses and He’s pointing you out and telling all those redeemed ones exactly how you’ll look when He’s done.

I think He’s proud of you.

And that He’s got a new name just for you. A name that tells the truth about who you are.

From my heart,

Diane

Read about who you are and how He feels about you in the first 3 chapters of Ephesians. And about your name in Revelation 2:17 and 22:4.

FAITHFULNESS

Why be captivated, my son, by an immoral woman,

or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous woman?

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you.

Rejoice in the wife of your youth.

She is a loving deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts satisfy you always.

May you always be captivated by her love.

Proverbs 5:20, 18-19

Dear sons,

Just a few weeks ago when I asked women to write and tell me what they really want from a man, I got so many responses I had trouble reading them all. Some funny, some sad, some silly, and many wise words of what women want and hope for and need in order to thrive.

Yet there was one thing I didn’t hear from even one woman, and it surprised me. Because I know that it is what every woman wants more than anything in a relationship with a man.

One thing without which every relationship is doomed…

One thing that is critical for the happily ever after…

Every woman, every single woman without exception, wants her man to be faithful.

Hers and hers alone from this day forward and forever.

So why didn’t anyone happen to mention faithfulness? Not even one?

I think I know. Because I am a woman too and it’s what we hardly dare talk about. As if merely mentioning the idea that my man might possibly choose someone else might jinx us.

It is the unmentionable, unimaginable, too-horrible-to-think-about worry of every woman.

Every single woman. 

My dear sons, I have scraped the wounded hearts of too many women off the floor. Soaked my own skin with their tears. Carried the weight of pain they were never meant to bear.

All because a man found it irresistible to slip between the sheets with a woman who had convinced him he was irresistible. Or because a man felt that somehow his own pulsing needs were more powerful than his promise of forever.

And no woman ever recovers that part of her soul that is lost when the man who chose her chooses another.

Good men fight every day for purity. Not for perfection, but for the strength and courage to “contain his own vessel in sanctification and honor” (I Thess. 4:4).

Yet I would like to suggest that faithfulness is more than simply staying out of another woman’s bed.

Faithfulness, the way a woman defines it, means staying wholly devoted to your wife through good times and bad, not matter how she is or how she looks or how you feel.

And so, my sons, may I offer you…

Three Ways To Stay Faithful To Your Wife:

1.    By focusing on her

Every woman knows she’s not The Most Beautiful Woman In The World. We are surrounded by the marketing magic of men (and women) who exploit the magnetic pull a woman’s body has over men.

Then we look in the mirror.

But when a man, a good man, looks at his wife and tells her she is beautiful, when he lets her see the sexual pull she elicits from him, when he uses his eyes to rebuild the beauty she thinks she has lost… something magical happens in her insides.

She feels beautiful.

The mirror doesn’t matter as much as what she sees mirrored in your eyes. She stands a little straighter, acts a little sexier, tries a little harder because you’ve given her what she really wants— you’ve given her your whole-soul faithfulness.

2.    By delighting in her

Every woman longs to be captivating. She wants to be so alluring, so lovely, so clever that she pulls you in to a cocoon of oneness with herself.

Forever.

A good man gets that. He understands that to remain fully faithful he must choose to remain captivated by his wife for the rest of his life.

No matter who else vies for his attention, no matter how much she changes, no matter that three kids have wrecked havoc with your once orderly home— NO MATTER WHAT!

To remain faithful, a man must remind himself every day how delightful his wife really is. And if he’s really wise, he’ll say it out loud.

3.    By pursuing her

Every married man, at some point, figured out how to pursue a woman. Some better than others.

For some men, that act of pursuit is something of a game. A battle to be conquered. A woman to be won.

For others it is more like a chore that needs doing in order to get what he wants.

Either way, may I suggest that just because she wears your ring does not mean you’re finished?

Women are, by nature, responders. God made us that way. Part of what a man gets when he pursues is this magnified response a woman emanates when she is being pursued.

Stop pursuing her and she stops responding. Keep pursuing her and she’ll flirt and give and be the delightful woman you want.

Pursue her heart. Ask her questions. Give her gifts that mean something. Carry her burdens. Share your fears. Lighten her load. Open her door. Keep taking steps towards this woman you’ve pledged your life to.

If you will do this: If you will focus on her, if you will delight in her, if you will pursue her heart, her soul, and her body— all of her— and if you will keep on doing it every day for the rest of your life, then you will be a faithful man.

To you faithful men, THANK YOU. Keep at it. You are our heros.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Girls, can you tell us how your man is delighting in you and focusing on you and pursuing you?

And men, can you chime in here? Women are reading this who want to know— how can we help? Has your wife helped you to remain faithful? Can you tell us how?

More on this next week...

TO HELP

Dear sons,

Way back in the Garden when God made a man, He set inside him an urgent vision. A job. A calling. A vision that would make his life matter, that would take all that he is and more.

The first Adam set about his task with nary a hint of distraction or delay. One by one he studied each animal God had made, then labeled and classified and named them. He set about stewarding this earth he’d been entrusted with, determined to do it well. A mammoth, idealistic, calling he could not accomplish alone.

And so God made woman.

He saw the good in the one coming alongside the other to help. Not to compete with him, but to complete him. To achieve together more than they could possibly attempt alone. God set the two to discover their unique calling and chase after it— together.

Every woman has a burning, a passion, an urging inside to help.

From that time until now, this race of Eve has been marked by her own urgent calling to help.

To see what needs doing and get it done.

To figure out a way to make it work.

To make her life matter by making life better.

A good woman carries all that capability into every relationship, but most especially her relationship with the man she loves. But if she is going to join her life and all that helping with his, she needs something from him as well. Because nothing frustrates a woman more than a man whose reluctance to allow her to help stifles her God-given calling to come alongside and make life better.

And so, here, dear sons, is a simple path to unleash all that gift of help she is offering you.

1.    She wants you to have a goal worth pursuing.

A man sitting on a sofa, fiddling with controls on a game that isn’t real because he has no honest battle of his own to fight is not what a woman wants. What she wants is a man with a vision big enough to involve her. She wants to see him dream and then set out to make that dream real. She wants that dream to be about making life better. For her, for him, for someone out there in the world who needs something better. Whether it means a better cup of coffee or a more beautifully designed bag. A woman will go to great lengths to help a man who has the temerity to dream.

2.    She wants you to have a plan.

You don’t have to have it all charted out in 3D. She just wants to know that you’ve got the moxy to go after what you want. Because some men don’t and their women end up having to push and prod and suggest and make endless lists just to get them moving. No woman wants that. She needs to hear that you’re not giving up, that you’re trying to find a way to do whatever it is you’re dreaming about.

And let me tell you, most women can help you with that plan. It is instinctive to a woman to map the way ahead. We love to find a way to make real life happen. We’re good at it and we know it and we wish you knew it too.

3.    She wants to help you.

I don’t know why men so often eschew the help of a woman. I know pride has something to do with it. I suspect that we women inadvertently say it wrong and leave you feeling the need to draw away from what you perceive is a lack of respect.  May I make a motherly observation? Your whole life will be better if you’ll just get over whatever it is that holds you back from asking her to help you.

4.    She wants you to invite her to help you.

For far too long women have been given the message that they’re too much. Too much trouble, too pushy, too forward. And so sometimes she pokes. Hints. Rolls her eyes in utter frustration.  All those suggestions she makes are because she knows she can help and she senses you strong-arming her away. What your wife or girlfriend needs is to be invited into your story. She wants you to scoot over and give her a place at the table. To ask her advice and listen.

5.    She wants you to value her contribution.

A simple thank you will do. Better yet, give her credit when things go well. Acknowledge her abilities, her wisdom, her unique contributions to making your life better, your vision clearer, your job easier. She doesn’t need her name in lights— but oh how she hopes you will light up with gratitude for all she is being and doing and giving up to help you.

It seems simple: Your woman has help to offer.

You accept it.

You let her in.

She helps.

You both benefit.

The whole world benefits.

Done deal.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Men- Can you tell us here how the woman in your life has made it better? Give her credit? Show us how?

Women- What are some of the ways a woman can help a man? Have you had the thrill of working together to do what neither of you could do alone?

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I believe in God because something inside me cries out for Him. That ache inside that no one sees; no one says; no one dares. The reaching, growing, longing part of me that must believe.

I believe because my body and my soul yearn for something more.

Because to not believe is death of hope, deadness of soul. The end of me.

Because I crave God.

I want Him.

Because if I don’t believe I’ll waste my life filling this hole with every kind of good and it won’t work so I’ll reach for evil and that won’t work either and then I’ll die having missed the meaning.

I believe because He is mystery and I sometimes know moments of brightest clarity when the fog lifts and I see His face.

That’s why I believe in God.

I believe in God because of beauty and because children do and because He makes sense and because I must believe.

I believe in God because He makes sense. And nothing else does; not Darwin or Plato or all the Greek myths.

They all sound like stories made up by angry men— and women rarely believe that something comes out of nothing and that the future holds no hope.

And deep inside—when all is still—and no one speaks—and I can hear, Someone whispers. And I know it’s Him.

That’s why I believe in God.

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I believe in God because children do.

Because babies are born with their eyes wide open.

Because dimpled little boy hands become sinewy and strong.

Because every little girl knows that all of life ends happily ever after; and because grown-up women never stop trying to remember.

I believe in God because unborn infants beat the drum of the womb in cadence to a mother’s heart and because some babies are never born and still the whole world turns.

And life goes on and children laugh.

That’s why I believe in God.

I believe in God because of beauty. Because the intricacies of deep pink peonies outside my window beckon bumbles bees to come and hide…

Because green is moss and forest and leaf and sea and hundreds of hues in between…

Because of Sequoias and Redwoods and Oaks and Cedars.

Because on the darkest night the stars shine brilliant…

I believe in God because I can see Him and hear Him and smell Him in all He has made. Singing in rain, sighing in gusts of invisible wind, whispering in softest snowfall.

Covering over everything ugly.

All around me beauty reigns, awakening my heart to see something more.

I believe in God because He has left traces of who He is for all to see.

Because I feel His skin in every embrace, and sense His breath in every face.

Because of beauty.

That’s why I believe in God.

My dove is hiding behind some rocks,

Behind an outcrop on the cliff.

Let me see you;

Let me hear your voice

For your voice is pleasant and you are lovely.

Song of Songs 2:14

I promised, in this series, to write about what a woman really wants. Knowing, as all women know, that…

what we say we want and what we really want are rarely one and the same.

And that’s not because we’re duplicitous and deceptive at our core, but because we know well enough that…

what we really want we rarely get.

And yet, I have come to see, that good men…

men who have set their hearts to follow God courageously and honestly…

possess a soul-deep desire to give the women they love everything and anything she really wants.

So why is it that that rarely actually happens in real life? Why do men despair of ever really understanding the complexities and disparities of the women they love?

The answer, I have come to believe, is not because men are dense, nor because women are unknowable.  The real reason women often confuse and intimidate men is because…

he doesn’t hear her heart.

Instead, he hears her words, mixes those uniquely feminine phrases with a smattering of mysterious female metaphors, adds his own male-mentality basd assumptions…and comes to the wrong conclusions.

Voila!

Misunderstanding, messy conflict, melt-downs, marriage counseling.

And so, dear sons, here is my fumbling attempt to help you hear.

How To Hear The Heart Of A Woman:

 1.    Hear her shame…

Every woman I know harbors hidden shame in her heart. No matter how successful or competent or got-it-all-together she may appear, deep down inside lurks an ugly, seething, never satisfied monster of accusation.

Psychologists use words like “the voice on your shoulder”. Some blame her mother for all those words of correction. Others think her father failed to affirm her enough.

Spiritual counselors tend to blame Satan. The Accuser who stands outside a woman’s heart, ready to fling fiery darts of guilt her way.

Men, it seems to me, are more able to shove those prickly, probing suggestions of shame aside. They shake their heads, straighten their backs, and turn away.

But women, in our deeply sensitive knowing, take those thoughts and see the truth inside.

We’re not good enough, and we know it.  Not thin enough. Not nice enough. Not giving enough. Not doing enough.

Not enough. Never enough

The man who dares look deeply into a woman’s heart will see all that not enough and spend the rest of his life slaying the dragon.

How? His greatest weapons are his words.

Words of assurance.

Words of encouragement… of courage.

Words of approval.

Words that bring value… and knowing… and seeing… and worth.

Not just I love you, but…

I love the real you.

Yet, dear men who dare to read this, I in no way wish to communicate that every woman is driven primarily by a confusing bundle of guilt-driven shame. Not at all.

Shame is there, hidden under layers and layers of self-protective coping mechanisms that enable women to thrive. But there is so much more to knowing a woman…

2.    Hear her hopes…

Undeniably the strangest compliment I have ever received from another woman, came from a former prostitute. I’d been teaching a bible study through the story of Ruth and this woman listened on the edge of her seat, voraciously feasting on the truths in God’s Word.

One day she grabbed me by the shoulders to be assured of my full attention and said, “Diane, you and I are sooo much alike!”

At first I was taken aback. What in the world did I have in common with this woman from a world so different than mine I could hardly fathom the distance? Yet, listening through all my too-long hours of teaching over the course of several weeks, this woman heard me. And as she recounted our similarities, I couldn’t help but agree— we were like two peas in a pod.

Why?

She shared my hopes.

Every woman comes to life with a hope chest filled with maybe’s and dreams and wishful thinking. For far too many, those hopes are dashed by the men in their lives with great big buckets of logic and realism.

My dad fed my dreams with healthy doses of you-can-do-it with great handfuls of if-you-work-hard-and-smart-enough reminders. I wish every woman had a dad like mine.

My husband took over where my dad left off, letting me know he believed in me, saw potential and talent and worth. He has generously allowed me to try, to explore, to learn and grow into who I really am. I wish every woman had a husband like mine.

Men, may I challenge you to….

Listen close to her heart and hear her hopes? Helping her  believe that dreams come true even when so many don’t?

And then to…

Mount your white steed, pull out your shining sword, and join with the women you love to help vanquish those relentless messengers of shame?

Because if you will do just those two things, if you will love her through her shame and listen to her hopes…

She will believe you see her and know her and hear her heart. And that,  my dear sons, is the way to love a woman.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S Your  comments are teaching us! Will you women add your thoughts here?

How can the man in your life hear you fully?

Be nice, be short, be clear. There are God-loving men reading your words.

Has your husband or boyfriend already figured this out? Can you tell us how and what he does to connect with you in a way that makes you feel heard and known?

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“… when dreams come true there is life and joy.” Proverbs 13:12

Last week Phil and I left for Germany to teach INTENTIONAL: Raising Passionate Jesus Followers. We flew into Zurich, Switzerland where we were met by a delightful young couple and their two-year-old daughter. We’d known Stephanie before she met Luke, then watched their love grow and all the curious leading of God in their lives that eventually landed them at the Black Forest Academy in southern Germany. As we taught this group of missionaries and business people, pastors and teachers and leaders, I couldn’t help but be humbled by their intelligence and maturity. Their questions revealed their hearts— brimming with love for their children and a deep desire to follow fully and passionately after Jesus in every area of their lives.

A few days later we traveled by train to Salzburg, Austria, land of Sound of Music and Maria and all those Van Trapp children. Castles and Cathedrals and Cuckoo Clocks and Glockenspiels. As you read this, we’re exploring the wonders of the Christmas Market, then headed by sleeper train back to Zurich for our flight home.

(the mansion where the Sound of Music was filmed)

And all I can do is wonder…

Why in the world would God let me do this?

A simple, shy homebody.  A woman characterized by average. Normal. Medium. And yet here I wander, half way around the world, doing what I couldn’t possibly have dreamed up on my own.

For years, I’ve eschewed the best sellers that claim all our dreams will come true if we’ll only believe enough. I’ve been known to scoff at the “Best Life” ideals. Shuddered at what I believe is an adulteration of the message of Jesus. Somehow diamonds and dream vacations just don’t line up with the reality of Paul’s life— or John’s or Peter’s or any of those heros listed in Hebrews 11. Early on in my walk with God, wise mentors taught me that only in laying down our lives can we hope to gain everything He has and wants for everyone of us. I have believed that a life fully surrendered, emptied of expectation, ready and willing to die to dreams is the life that is truly life.

So how did I end up here? Living this dream?

It started with a problem: How in the world would we raise our children to be full-on followers of Jesus? With no faith background, no inherent wisdom, and no idea what to do, we began to study. To read and research, to ask questions and seek mentors. And as our children grew, we dug deeper.

Having no idea what to do, we had the advantage of having no preconceived ideas about how it should be done.

Sometimes we taught others what we were learning. Mostly we just listened and took notes and begged God to give us the wisdom we needed to face the unexpected.

Some friends thought we were overdoing it. Others taught us what they knew, adding to our stockpile of accumulated answers.

We dared. We risked. We did what we thought we heard God teaching us, telling us, leading us to do.

And we made mistakes. Lots of mistakes. Which led to a lot of repenting and relearning and humbling ourselves to try again.

Somehow our four children survived all that intensity. Somewhere in there they caught hold of Jesus and held on. They saw Him and heard Him and fell in love with Him.

Amazing. Miraculous. Beyond belief. Watching them, one–by-one, catch hold of Him has been more reward than I’d ever dreamed.

But, if I’m honest, somewhere I did dream of passing these uncovered treasures along to others. Years and years ago I even wrote it all down- only to realize I still didn’t know enough— hadn’t lived enough, to have enough to offer. Someday, I thought. Maybe someday.

And now I’m getting to live that Someday.

And I’m beginning to see a place in our lives for dreaming… not scheming and pushing and assuming and expecting… but for the kind of dreaming that has hope at it’s heart. Dreaming that maybe God will take my small sack lunch— my version of a couple of dried fish and a few barley loaves and multiply it to feed many.

And so today I’ll wander the stalls of the Christmas Market, wishing strangers a Frohe Weinachten, holding Phil’s hand, pinching myself from time to time just to be certain it’s real. In a couple of days I’ll be back to my normal, less-than-extraordinary life. Later, I’ll wrestle with what I’ve believed about the place of dreams and hopes and wishes.

But for now… I’ll just delight in dreams come true.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Are you dreaming of what God might have for you as you follow Him fully? Dare you tell us what that dream looks like? I, for one, would love to hear what God is up to in the weaving of your story.