TO HELP

Dear sons,

Way back in the Garden when God made a man, He set inside him an urgent vision. A job. A calling. A vision that would make his life matter, that would take all that he is and more.

The first Adam set about his task with nary a hint of distraction or delay. One by one he studied each animal God had made, then labeled and classified and named them. He set about stewarding this earth he’d been entrusted with, determined to do it well. A mammoth, idealistic, calling he could not accomplish alone.

And so God made woman.

He saw the good in the one coming alongside the other to help. Not to compete with him, but to complete him. To achieve together more than they could possibly attempt alone. God set the two to discover their unique calling and chase after it— together.

Every woman has a burning, a passion, an urging inside to help.

From that time until now, this race of Eve has been marked by her own urgent calling to help.

To see what needs doing and get it done.

To figure out a way to make it work.

To make her life matter by making life better.

A good woman carries all that capability into every relationship, but most especially her relationship with the man she loves. But if she is going to join her life and all that helping with his, she needs something from him as well. Because nothing frustrates a woman more than a man whose reluctance to allow her to help stifles her God-given calling to come alongside and make life better.

And so, here, dear sons, is a simple path to unleash all that gift of help she is offering you.

1.    She wants you to have a goal worth pursuing.

A man sitting on a sofa, fiddling with controls on a game that isn’t real because he has no honest battle of his own to fight is not what a woman wants. What she wants is a man with a vision big enough to involve her. She wants to see him dream and then set out to make that dream real. She wants that dream to be about making life better. For her, for him, for someone out there in the world who needs something better. Whether it means a better cup of coffee or a more beautifully designed bag. A woman will go to great lengths to help a man who has the temerity to dream.

2.    She wants you to have a plan.

You don’t have to have it all charted out in 3D. She just wants to know that you’ve got the moxy to go after what you want. Because some men don’t and their women end up having to push and prod and suggest and make endless lists just to get them moving. No woman wants that. She needs to hear that you’re not giving up, that you’re trying to find a way to do whatever it is you’re dreaming about.

And let me tell you, most women can help you with that plan. It is instinctive to a woman to map the way ahead. We love to find a way to make real life happen. We’re good at it and we know it and we wish you knew it too.

3.    She wants to help you.

I don’t know why men so often eschew the help of a woman. I know pride has something to do with it. I suspect that we women inadvertently say it wrong and leave you feeling the need to draw away from what you perceive is a lack of respect.  May I make a motherly observation? Your whole life will be better if you’ll just get over whatever it is that holds you back from asking her to help you.

4.    She wants you to invite her to help you.

For far too long women have been given the message that they’re too much. Too much trouble, too pushy, too forward. And so sometimes she pokes. Hints. Rolls her eyes in utter frustration.  All those suggestions she makes are because she knows she can help and she senses you strong-arming her away. What your wife or girlfriend needs is to be invited into your story. She wants you to scoot over and give her a place at the table. To ask her advice and listen.

5.    She wants you to value her contribution.

A simple thank you will do. Better yet, give her credit when things go well. Acknowledge her abilities, her wisdom, her unique contributions to making your life better, your vision clearer, your job easier. She doesn’t need her name in lights— but oh how she hopes you will light up with gratitude for all she is being and doing and giving up to help you.

It seems simple: Your woman has help to offer.

You accept it.

You let her in.

She helps.

You both benefit.

The whole world benefits.

Done deal.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Men- Can you tell us here how the woman in your life has made it better? Give her credit? Show us how?

Women- What are some of the ways a woman can help a man? Have you had the thrill of working together to do what neither of you could do alone?

My dove is hiding behind some rocks,

Behind an outcrop on the cliff.

Let me see you;

Let me hear your voice

For your voice is pleasant and you are lovely.

Song of Songs 2:14

I promised, in this series, to write about what a woman really wants. Knowing, as all women know, that…

what we say we want and what we really want are rarely one and the same.

And that’s not because we’re duplicitous and deceptive at our core, but because we know well enough that…

what we really want we rarely get.

And yet, I have come to see, that good men…

men who have set their hearts to follow God courageously and honestly…

possess a soul-deep desire to give the women they love everything and anything she really wants.

So why is it that that rarely actually happens in real life? Why do men despair of ever really understanding the complexities and disparities of the women they love?

The answer, I have come to believe, is not because men are dense, nor because women are unknowable.  The real reason women often confuse and intimidate men is because…

he doesn’t hear her heart.

Instead, he hears her words, mixes those uniquely feminine phrases with a smattering of mysterious female metaphors, adds his own male-mentality basd assumptions…and comes to the wrong conclusions.

Voila!

Misunderstanding, messy conflict, melt-downs, marriage counseling.

And so, dear sons, here is my fumbling attempt to help you hear.

How To Hear The Heart Of A Woman:

 1.    Hear her shame…

Every woman I know harbors hidden shame in her heart. No matter how successful or competent or got-it-all-together she may appear, deep down inside lurks an ugly, seething, never satisfied monster of accusation.

Psychologists use words like “the voice on your shoulder”. Some blame her mother for all those words of correction. Others think her father failed to affirm her enough.

Spiritual counselors tend to blame Satan. The Accuser who stands outside a woman’s heart, ready to fling fiery darts of guilt her way.

Men, it seems to me, are more able to shove those prickly, probing suggestions of shame aside. They shake their heads, straighten their backs, and turn away.

But women, in our deeply sensitive knowing, take those thoughts and see the truth inside.

We’re not good enough, and we know it.  Not thin enough. Not nice enough. Not giving enough. Not doing enough.

Not enough. Never enough

The man who dares look deeply into a woman’s heart will see all that not enough and spend the rest of his life slaying the dragon.

How? His greatest weapons are his words.

Words of assurance.

Words of encouragement… of courage.

Words of approval.

Words that bring value… and knowing… and seeing… and worth.

Not just I love you, but…

I love the real you.

Yet, dear men who dare to read this, I in no way wish to communicate that every woman is driven primarily by a confusing bundle of guilt-driven shame. Not at all.

Shame is there, hidden under layers and layers of self-protective coping mechanisms that enable women to thrive. But there is so much more to knowing a woman…

2.    Hear her hopes…

Undeniably the strangest compliment I have ever received from another woman, came from a former prostitute. I’d been teaching a bible study through the story of Ruth and this woman listened on the edge of her seat, voraciously feasting on the truths in God’s Word.

One day she grabbed me by the shoulders to be assured of my full attention and said, “Diane, you and I are sooo much alike!”

At first I was taken aback. What in the world did I have in common with this woman from a world so different than mine I could hardly fathom the distance? Yet, listening through all my too-long hours of teaching over the course of several weeks, this woman heard me. And as she recounted our similarities, I couldn’t help but agree— we were like two peas in a pod.

Why?

She shared my hopes.

Every woman comes to life with a hope chest filled with maybe’s and dreams and wishful thinking. For far too many, those hopes are dashed by the men in their lives with great big buckets of logic and realism.

My dad fed my dreams with healthy doses of you-can-do-it with great handfuls of if-you-work-hard-and-smart-enough reminders. I wish every woman had a dad like mine.

My husband took over where my dad left off, letting me know he believed in me, saw potential and talent and worth. He has generously allowed me to try, to explore, to learn and grow into who I really am. I wish every woman had a husband like mine.

Men, may I challenge you to….

Listen close to her heart and hear her hopes? Helping her  believe that dreams come true even when so many don’t?

And then to…

Mount your white steed, pull out your shining sword, and join with the women you love to help vanquish those relentless messengers of shame?

Because if you will do just those two things, if you will love her through her shame and listen to her hopes…

She will believe you see her and know her and hear her heart. And that,  my dear sons, is the way to love a woman.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S Your  comments are teaching us! Will you women add your thoughts here?

How can the man in your life hear you fully?

Be nice, be short, be clear. There are God-loving men reading your words.

Has your husband or boyfriend already figured this out? Can you tell us how and what he does to connect with you in a way that makes you feel heard and known?

Last week I asked women to write and tell us what they really want from their men. I’d anticipated your answers, made a list of things I thought you’d say, outlined what I wanted to write about. But you surprised me by both what you did and didn’t say. Every one of you included somewhere on your list, this one thing… What every woman really wants…. Spiritual Leadership

Dear sons,

I have been writing to the women in your life for a long time now.

Words about their need to find all their hope and soul-satisfaction from Jesus.  About how to then turn around and pour the love they find in Him back into you, with skill and on purpose.

I hope you’ve noticed the effort your women are making to love you well, to love you the way you want to be loved— with respect and friendliness and with an awareness of who you are.

Now it’s your turn to listen.

Because the imperfect-but-trying women in your life have needs too. And because sometimes we women talk too long and too much about things even we don’t understand.

I think we’ve made something simple sound impossible.

And I’m hoping you catch a glimpse of a way to be who your are meant to be in a way that works for you.

Three Ways To Be A Spiritual Leader:

1.  Initiate

What your women are hoping for more than anything else, is so simple it’s almost laughable. They want you to understand their need to be led. Not dominated. Not preached at. Just gently and consistently led back to centering their hearts on Jesus. They’ve grown weary from feeling like they’re always the ones to lead the way back to God.

They want you to say:

“Let’s go to church tomorrow…”

“This morning I was reading in my Bible…”

“That message really spoke to me about…”

To a woman, that is spiritual leadership. When you take the initiative, when you make the suggestion, when you say it first… something inside of her falls more deeply in love with you. A woman admires a man who alerts her to focus on God. Respect grows, not because you’re perfect, but because you recognize who is and you love her enough to point her back to Jesus.

2.  Remind

Your women are smart. They know better than to think you can meet their every need and want and expectation. They know what you sense- that they’re needy, achingly so. It is the plague of every woman. And your women know that only Jesus can fill that emptiness.

Still, we forget... every day we forget.

And that’s when a woman becomes crabby or whiny or short-tempered or demanding.

What a woman really needs from you is simply a reminder. Bring the conversation back to Jesus. Remind her that He is taking care of her. Point out His faithfulness in her past. That He will not fail her now. That He loves her more than she can possibly know.

If you do this, and you’re nice about it, you will see immediate relief. She’ll sigh. Her shoulders will relax. She’ll nod her head and look up to you and be filled with gratitude. Because she knows… and agrees… and forgot. Again.

 3.  Pray

This is the big one. The hard one. Yet the one thing every woman will recognize as the ultimate spiritual leadership. You don’t have to pray long. You don’t have to pray first thing every morning or last thing every night. All you really need to do is grab her hand when she’s worried or frightened or feeling something she shouldn’t. Just hold her close and bring her to the Father. Out loud. By doing that you are showing your wife or girlfriend that you love her enough to bring her to the One who can fix everything. Yes, you are strong, yes you can solve most things… but by leading her into the presence of the One who is fully in charge, she sees you as the ultimate loving leader. Her relief and peace of heart will be palpable.

That, my dear sons, is what spiritual leadership looks like.

You don’t have to be eloquent or perfect. No theology degree required. All you need is an awareness of Jesus and the boldness to bring the woman you love to Him.

So simple. So very hard to actually do.

But I guarantee you this- if you will do these three things:

If you will initiate and remind and pray with her… she will respond.

She can’t help it. A woman’s feelings of love and attraction are so tied to her feelings of respect that she cannot separate the two. And nothing elicits the respect of a Jesus-following woman like a man who is bold enough to grab her hand and say, with Paul,

“Follow me, as I follow Christ.”

(1Cor 11:1)

May God give you the boldness to lead her closer to Himself.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Girls, your comments are fueling these posts. Can you tell me how your husband or boyfriend leads you spiritually?

And men, is there something we should know? Can you help us learn how to approach this often intimidating subject with grace? We're learning... all of us. To hear directly from you men would be an incredible help.

“I sought him who my soul loves…”

Song of Songs 3:1

Dear girls,

For many months now I have been writing with two purposes:

#1 To remind you that only Jesus can fully satisfy all those cravings and wantings inside of you. And that no man has the capacity to meet your every need. That until we find our hopes and longings for love met in an intimate relationship with the Savior, we are unable to fully give ourselves to the men in our lives.

#2 To teach you what I am learning about how to love a man well. We’ve talked long about responding with sexual freedom in the marriage bed, about respect, about tenderness and loyalty. All sorts of ways to be the lover and friend your man wants and needs.

Now it’s time we started talking about your own hopes and dreams.

• What you wish for in a relationship.
• How you wish he would treat you.
• What kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
• What hurts you
• What you wish he knew.
• How you would respond if only…

But I’ll need your help with this one. Because I’m hoping to write in a way that men will want to read. And I’m hoping that you will pass these letters on to the men in your life; that you will tweet and text and Facebook and hint… And that I will be able to speak as an older woman into the hearts of your men, setting in simple terms the truths about what a woman really wants.

Here’s what I need from you:

Realistic, bottom-line lists and descriptions of what you really want.

Can you condense all those yearnings, all your ideals and dreams into short form? Feel free to make up a name or call yourself Anonymous. But be honest. Think about this. If your husband or boyfriend dared ask “What do you want from me?” What would you say?

Because, my dear girls, there are men who are really asking. Good men, godly men, imperfect-but-growing men, who want to know what it is you want, but are so confused by the mixed messages they’ve been getting for so long that they honestly don’t know.

I think it’s time we let them into our hearts and hopes.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. If leaving a comment seems too intimidating, you can email me at hespeaks@ajesuschurch.org. I’ll be collecting all your thoughts as I write.

I am loved…

fully and thoroughly loved every day of my life.

I am noticed…

recognized and relished.

I am seen…

taken in and embraced for who I am.

I am known…

deep down, where secrets hide and dreams are born.

I am cherished…

delighted in, cared for, valued.

I am watched over…

everyday, every hour, when I’m aware and when I’m not.

I am guided…

through each precarious step and along every joyous path.

I am lavished…

with gifts strewn in my way, brightening my days, surprising and specific, just for me.

But some days I forget about that love. I ignore my Lover. I turn my back to Him and try to find all that love from others… who do not and cannot and never will love me like He does.

Those are the days that fall apart. When I start to strive and stress and get uptight and hurt and mean and sad.

On those forgetting days I am not who I really am. I lose that knowing. My heart turns cold to the One who loves, demanding instead that love from those He wants to lavish with his love by way of me.

My life loses beauty.

And somewhere off in the distance I hear a whisper. A faint caress, like the slightest breeze on a sweltering summer day.

I remember. I turn. I hold out my heart to the One who loves, needing Him, wanting Him, craving what I forgot.

And all His love comes rushing back, filling me, freeing me, embracing and knowing and cherishing and delighting and seeing and …

Loving… me.

My dear girls,

I woke up this morning after a fitful night’s sleep, to face a full day. Stresses… people… complications… conflicts… life.

I got up burdened by it all. Ready to write my lists, to somehow organize and strategize my way through the maze of needs and obligations and… then I remembered.

I am not the Grand Ayatollah of Need Meeting.

I am Diane. Made on purpose by the One who loves… me.

So loved that I am filled to overflowing, bursting with the joy of it.

I spill that love on all those others, all those people and complications and conflicts and life… because He first loved me.

Not because I should or I ought to, or because someone expects it of me, or because I am afraid that if I don’t I might get rejected and be alone.

And that, my dear girls, is what I’ve been trying to say through this whole He’s Not Your Prince Charming series. That loving your husband is not about you being perfect or him satisfying you.

We love because He first loved us.

And His loving us satisfies us.

So we in turn love those men in our lives… who may or may not respond the way we wish… but that’s okay because we’re so loved that we don’t need… don’t demand… don’t live on the love of a man.

We live on the love of God.

And somehow that makes all the difference, doesn’t it?

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. Are you, like me, waking up to His incredible love? Can you tell us how? What that looks like and sounds like in the midst of real life? Has He surprised you somehow? I’d love to hear your story because… well because we all love a good love story.

Dear Girls, Years and decades and eras ago when Phil and I were dating I was convinced he would be a terrific dad.

After all, I reasoned, he loved to play with kids. Wrestling and teasing and throwing his nephews in the air, Phil seemed, in my vast experience, to have all the makings of a wonderful father.

And even though my criteria were laughably shallow, I was right. Phil has been a terrific dad to our four children.

Just a couple of days ago he got a text from Matt, asking for help and guidance about ministry he was being called to do. What to say, how to study, the best way to approach the opportunity.

I watched as Phil once again took an opportunity to disciple his son.

To raise up the next generation to teach and think and lead. 

And I watched as my son listened and learned and prepared to take the baton from his father and run his own leg of the race.

I watch as my oldest son, John Mark, leads his own sons and daughter. How he, who is so different in so many ways from his dad, is at the same time, so like his father.

I watch John Mark encourage and discipline and disciple his children— and then how he throws them in the air for a raucous wrestling match. Just like his dad.

And girls, I want the same for each of you. Because if you marry a man who understands his essential role of imitating the Father as a father, you and your children and your children’s children will be blessed beyond belief.

Trust me, I know. I live the results everyday.

That is why I want to invite you to attend a seminar Phil and I are teaching on November 8^th and 9th. It’s called Intentional: Raising Passionate Jesus Followers.

This seminar is a culmination of a dream that started while Phil was in seminary and our first born was just a few months old. Over 3 decades ago! We knew we didn’t know what we were doing and so we began an intensive study. Gathering wisdom, delving into the Scriptures, asking questions, questioning the answers.

Now we have gathered what we learned and crammed it into six teaching sessions. We’ll tell our stories, explain the Biblical basis of the why’s and how’s, tell you what we did right and a whole lot of things we wish we’d done differently.

And here’s the real reason to come girls: When I saw, just a few days ago, Phil bent over his big, worn Bible pointing out to my son the truths that applied to his questions, I fell in love with the man all over again.

A great big swelling of I can’t believe I get to be married to this man kind of response.

And I want that for you.

Every one of you. Because in ways I do not fully understand, a woman’s feelings of love are all wrapped up in respect. I feel love for Phil because I honestly, really do respect the man. A lot.

Yes, he’s a good man. And yes, he’s good to me. But the real reason I respect him is because of the way he leads his family on a firm Biblical basis to follow Jesus with wisdom and passion.

If you’re married, bring your man. Please. This is not a seminar simply for mothers. It is a chance for men to see what spiritual leadership looks like and sounds like and is in everyday life.

If you’re not married, bring yourself. This is a chance for you to get a whiff of what you really want. For you to see what spiritual leaderships looks like and sounds like and is in every day life.

And it’s a lot more than wrestling with the kids…

From my heart,

Diane

PS: sign up by going to the website www.intentionalparents.org. And let me know if you’re coming!

Dear girls,

Sometimes God gives us a task that is just too big for us. It starts, most often, as an idea. A spark.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if…

And somehow that tiny spark starts to light us up. We glow when we think about it. The idea warms us. We find ourselves wanting to flame it into something tangible and real.

We dream.

Someday I’d like to…

As the dream grows and takes shape we who walk and talk with, and listen to Jesus are in constant conversation with Him about this idea. He is, we believe, the One who sparked the vision in the first place.

Lord, is this from You? Might it be Your prompting? Are You behind this dream?

That’s when we let others take a peek. Tentatively, protectively, we share the dream. Or part of the dream. At least the part that doesn’t involve us.

Somebody really ought to…

We hope our closest people will jump up and down and tell us they’re with us. That they’ll point out that we’re capable. That they’ll give us the courage to go for it.

You were made for this moment… I can see it….

That rarely happens.

Usually, people who love us caution us.

What if? You know that time you? Be careful? Have you thought of?

And the dream falters. Those doubts and fears and insecurities we’ve ignored like buzzing flies land on our skin and burrow deep.

Or for some, stubbornness sets in. We set our jaw and feel sorry for ourselves and resent the ones who love us enough to tell us not to try that thing they don’t dream about and wonder why we do.

Why doesn’t she understand? Why does he always have to throw cold water on my ideas?

And sometimes we just let the dream die right then and there. It was ours for a moment but now its not. We go on with what we’re supposed to do but the spark is gone from the day-to-day. The burdens we carry seem a little more burdensome. The boring must-do’s a little more wearying.

The next time that sparks tries to ignite way back wherever it is that dreams are born, we snuff it out. Immediately. No use dreaming. That’s for other people, not for ordinary, less-than-amazing people like us.

Our dreams, we’ve been told, are selfish.

What about the kids? The house? The future?

And as we grow older, that daring, adventurous, BIG part of our soul just shrivels up and dies. We’re not heroes-in-the-making anymore.

We drudge. We crank. We grumble.

And that, my dear girls, is what happens when we squelch the dreams of those we love.

When we caution our man about all the things that could go wrong…

When we insist we know it’s not for him or for us or for our future together…

When we point out the obvious— that nobody dreams that big except the somebodies.

And we don’t let him be a somebody because… well, I don’t really know why.

When my wants clash with his dreams and I get squeamish maybe its just because I’m afraid. And maybe instead of trying to talk him out of it I should just trust him.

Or maybe not. Maybe I can’t trust him because I think he’s selfish and foolish and just wrong. Maybe that idea is just no good. Or no good for me. Or for the children we have or might have someday.

But what if we decided to trust God?

To say Yes.

To dare to let him dream and maybe even fail.

And then be there to tell him he’s not a failure, but a man brave enough to dream and you love that about him.

And then to pick up the pieces and let him dream again because you really do.

You respect a man who dreams and does because dreaming and then doing that dream is heroic.

And rare.

And worthy.

Girls, I think it’s time we dare to let our men dream.

It’s time to let him know we’ve got his back even when we’re scared. That it’s okay if it doesn’t work out because we’ll still be there to let him dream again.

I think it’s time that we realize that He’s Not Your Prince Charming but he is a man with a need to dream. And if we’re the ones to squelch the dream he’ll never get to be that knight in shining armor he needs to be.

And if you think so too, I’d urge you to read Sarah’s story. It’s found in Genesis, chapter 12. Her husband had a dream and she chose to follow it with him through all the messes he made in the process. She risked, she endured, she laughed and she cried and she lost and she gained.

And she learned to trust God even when her husband failed.

I think it’s time we choose to be like Sarah. 

From my heart,

Diane

PS: Sarah made some not-so-nice mistakes in the process of trying and so do we. But we can give each other courage by telling our stories- both good and bad. Would you tell us yours?

Dear girls, I sit by the side of the sea as I write these words this morning. Right outside my window stretches miles and miles of empty Oregon coast. Wild and inviting, desolate and breathtakingly beautiful.

I’m here with five friends. Women who’ve adopted me as sisters, taken me into their hearts and allowed me to be who I am without apology.

A rare gift— beauty inside and beauty out.

But before I go off and play for the day, I have a few more words about forgiveness that just won’t leave me alone. Words I’ve needed time and time again.

Words I need today.

Words I’ll need tomorrow too.

The words rolled off the pen of Paul as he paced his dank and lonely prison cell far from home. He’d been wronged— betrayed, wounded, deceived. Yet there he sat, using his last hours to scribble down every bit of wisdom that came to his heart for a group of people he loved.

Dear friends,

Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God.

For it is written, 

“I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it, says the LORD.” 

Instead, do what the Scriptures say:

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.

If they are thirsty, give them something to drink,

And they will be ashamed of what they have done to you.”

Don’t let evil get the best of you ,but conquer evil by doing good.

Romans 12:17-21

And as I sit by the window overlooking the great heaving ocean, once again I remember my own need to forgive.

Again.

Because just yesterday an old wound got bumped and it still hurts a little today. And I find myself all grumbly and resentful and entitled and crotchety.

Again.

Here I am, ready for a day of delightful play with the best friends I’ve ever had in one of the most beautiful spots in the world… remembering and resenting.

And just as I was confessing this to the Father, I glanced outside. My eyes landed on something bobbing in the waves. I leaned forward to look. What is that?

My breath caught— a body? It was just about the right length… I leaned closer, watching. Oh! Just a log caught in the current… phew!

And that, my dear girls, is right when I heard His voice speaking just what I needed. Reminding me of a time long ago when I sat across from my mentor, Muriel Cook, and she told me a story. A story I want to pass on to you in the hopes that you will remember when the resentment keeps coming back to steal away your joy.

Forgiveness, Muriel explained to me, is like one of those huge driftwood logs that lie on the sands of the Oregon coast. You’ve done the hard work of forgiving, you’ve given it all over to God, and you’re resting just fine.

Then comes a wild Pacific storm. Or sometimes it’s just a high tide. And the currents catch hold of that load of driftwood log and pull it back into the sea. It floats and rolls (and looks eerily like a dead body to a woman with too much imagination for her own good). 

And you feel like you haven’t really forgiven so well after all.

Isn’t that just how I feel this morning? Like maybe I haven’t forgiven, not really. Like I’m being tossed around again.

But then Muriel, in her ever-practical wisdom told me more.

You’ve just got to go out there and push that log back out to sea. And if it insists on rolling back in again, push it harder. Push it again. And again.

Because eventually, if you’ll just keep at it, that log will catch a current and be carried so far out to sea that you’ll never see it again. It will disappear into the vast ocean and you’ll barely remember what worried you so much for so long.

And you know what, girls, it works!

Whether the offense is one of those petty pinches that stings more than anything else, or a really big one that bruises and beats up your soul. If you push hard enough and long enough, it will eventually leave you alone.

The vast sea of God’s grace will just swallow it up so it cannot hurt you ever again.

And so here I sit, pushing my invisible log back out. Relieved to be rid of it. Again. Remembering what to do if it drifts back. Again.

And ready to spend the rest of the day free to embrace the beauty of this place and these people I love.

From my heart,

Diane

PS: Have you been confused by something you’d thought you’d forgiven but still feel resentment over? Can you tell us how you finally escaped it’s hold? Have you found a way to let go? Your stories are such an encouragement to all of us who want this way of the Cross.

Dear girls, When my youngest son, Matt was just a little boy, he’d wake up every morning asking, “Where is everybody?” With three older siblings, he couldn’t get his head around a day of not knowing exactly what each person in his family was up to and why they weren’t all right there, one big bunch of playmates.

By the time he was four and speaking in that adorable way of precocious toddlers, he’d assigned himself the role of Keeper of the Peace in our family of less-than-peace-loving teenagers. Matt spent his mornings riding along in the carpool van, negotiating treaties of niceness between sleep deprived, hormonal sisters and a dominating, driven older brother. He just couldn’t understand what all those frowning faces were about.

As little Matt-man refereed in the backseat, he’d use this one phrase to punctuate his point:

“DOANABEMEAN!”

Which, translated into real talk means, Don’t be mean!

Matt’s injunction worked like magic. Everyone would stop arguing and start laughing uproariously. How can anyone quibble in the face of such fierce cuteness? And Matt was just confident enough to believe that it was his command that had wrought instant peace. He’d grin and laugh and delight in his power to unite his squabbling siblings.

And so, my dear girls, as you go about your day encountering difficult husbands/boyfriends/brothers/friends I’d like to admonish you,

DOANABEMEAN!

Instead, cultivate a spirit of friendliness. Be nice. Refuse to get caught up in being right. Manage conflict with grace and kindness. Stop poking. Do good to the man in your life, whether you’re 15 or 55.

In Titus, chapter two, older women (that’s me!) are admonished to, “urge the younger women to love their husbands…” Seems kind of benign, doesn’t it? Of course women are to love their husbands. But dig just a tad deeper. The nuanced meaning of the word translated love here is “friendly” (phileo in Greek). God is moving Paul’s pen to write to the young pastor, Titus, to tell the women to…

Be friendly to your husbands.

And girls, after more than 35 years of doing ministry alongside my pastor-husband, of watching marriages fail and families fall apart, I’d like to give everyone of you the same word of advice:

Be friendly to your husbands!

How hard can that be?

Well, harder than it sounds because the number one complaint I hear from husbands and sons and older brothers and trying-but-not-happy boyfriends is this: women are mean.

And here’s the funny thing, (I warned you this would be a rambling sort of conversation) the number one reason according to Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs, a leading authority on marriage, that men give as to why they chose their particular wife is this:

Because she likes me.

Yep, profound isn’t it?

A man marries a woman, first and foremost, because she likes him.

Not because he likes her (though obviously that’s in there too), not because she’s sexy and alluring (though obviously that’s high on the list), not because she’s all the things he thinks she is… but because something inside of him recognizes this thing he longs for: to be liked.  Really, genuinely, consistently, always liked.

So, what does that look like outside of statistics and psychological studies? How does a woman be friendly in real life? I'll give you my take on what that looks like, then I'm hoping you'll give us yours...

How To “Like” A Man:

1. Be affectionate- Rub his shoulders, scratch his back, touch him when you’re talking. Greet him with a hug when he comes in the door. Say good-bye with a kiss. Or, if he’s wired so tight that touch translates as annoying, use words. Those fond words of affection every man craves. Whatever you do, make sure the affection is about him, not about you.
2. Be sexually inviting- Once you are married, sexual invitation means “I like you” to a man. Of course it does! They know instinctively that we don’t want them when we’re mad or irritated or annoyed. Our very wanting is a relief to a man’s inward worry that we don’t like them.
3. Be fun- Be his best companion. Laugh at his attempts to add a twist of humor to your conversation. Watch ESPN next to him.  Be enthusiastic. Vacation the way he likes- save your shopping and museum wandering for another day (I'm talking to myself here!). Agree. Be agreeable. Say yes. Recognize his need to play. Join him. Or go along and watch with all the enthusiasm of a fan.
4. Flirt a little- Flirt a lot. Flirt until you're old and wrinkled and grey. Flirt with only him.
5. Be nice- Say nice things, do nice things. Rearrange that perpetual mama-scowl into a welcoming softness. Don’t roll your eyes or make those “humpfing” sounds of disapproval. Assume innocence.
6. Talk nice- Tell him how much you like him and why. Tell him you admire him and then leave the room. When he follows you out like a puppy dog, leave him a list that sounds heroic. Mean it.

Girls, I’m just getting started. This is how we “phileo” our husbands. (No, that’s not “fillet”!)

There is no better way to love your man than to like him. Our men are hurting for lack of liking.

And for those of you not yet married, every man in your life needs, wants, craves this kind of liking. A woman who is good at liking will never lack great men friends and boyfriends and offers… just sayin’.

I love you, girls…

From my heart,

Diane

PS: Okay, let’s add to my list. Can you give us ways to communicate “like” to the men in our lives?

And if a man or two or more is reading this, would you contribute? Go ahead and use Mr. Anonymous as your name if you want. We women need to understand this better.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,

and I was all torn up inside. 

…Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. 

You guide me with Your counsel,

leading me to a glorious destiny.

…I desire You more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart;

He is mine forever.

…How good it is to be near God!

I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter,

and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do.

Psalm 73:21-28

 NLT

Dear girls,

Bitterness.

Even the word makes me shudder. A bitter woman is pinched and dry and frazzled. Pursed lips, tensed shoulders, dull eyes. She is defeated and defeating.

Picture Cruelle D’Ville.  The Wicked Witch of the West. Cinderella’s step-sisters.

Were they just born that way? Negative and critical and waiting to pounce?

Or did someone hurt them deeply, slashing and wounding and burning up all the womanly gentleness God included in their original design?

Or maybe she did it to herself. Maybe a bitter woman makes choices about how she will handle the wounds that every living, breathing woman receives from real life. Not realizing where it’s leading, she harbors resentment, wrapping herself in prickliness to protect herself from being hurt again- ever.

We waddle around like porcupines and then wonder why nobody loves us.

And maybe we all do that— at least a little— for sure in marriage. We respond to those bumps and bruises with self-protective push back: You hurt me, I hurt you back.

Before we know it, bitterness sets in, blinding us to our own meanness. We end up edgy, just a little bit harsh, impatient with the once-again lapses our husbands (or children, or roommates, or coworkers) are prone to.

I do not want to be like that— and you don’t either. Yet just writing those words hints at my own intimate familiarity with the symptoms of a bitter, unforgiving, self-protective spirit. I know what I’m talking about here and so do you.

And here’s what I’ve seen in my own life:

When I’m holding onto resentment against anybody, I take it out on those closest to me. 

My husband, my children, even my dog! One small mistake and off I go, intolerant and ungraceful, fully justifying that nasty edge to my voice while fiercely defending my self-righteous position.

The answer to what ails us is all too obvious. The hard part is the doing. And maybe the recognizing that it needs doing… the cure for bitterness is forgiveness.

And sometimes that’s hard for us to swallow. Because we think that if that person would only stop hurting us, stop disappointing us, start doing right and well and good and what we want and need… then I won’t be bitter anymore.

Only it doesn’t work that way.

Ever.

Because bitterness has to do with us, not them.

Here’s the real truth:

Bitterness is caused, not by someone else’s wrong treatment of me, but of my own wrong response to their wrong treatment of me.

Can’t you see and hear and sense this truth in Asah’s song?  He’s just tasted the bile of his own bitterness. Instead of blaming the bad guy, Asah realizes that the only hope for release from what ails him is found in God. Specifically, in focusing his gaze on God. “You hold… You guide… You lead…” He is finding that while people fail him, God never does. “He is mine forever”.

And as Asah revels in worship of God’s unfailing care, the angst and anxiety begins to loosen. Instead of having to keep up his guard, he finds a place of safety outside of himself— in God. And then, to his own amazement, he can’t wait to tell the very ones who hurt him all about this One who never does and never will.

How did he do that? How can I?

Before we explore further, this mystery no one but the fully forgiven can ever hope to understand, I think we need to take an honest look at our inner lives. We need to stop denying our own ugliness in order to allow the healing Spirit of God to root out any hint of bitterness that may be crowding out our ability to respond to Him.

Here, my dear girls, are…

Six Symptoms of Bitterness:[1] 

• A strong negative feeling towards someone
• Uncommon anger
• Overwhelming fear
• Emotional outbursts such as ugly comments, unexplained tears, or yelling
• Feeling resentment toward someone
• Constant turmoil in your heart

Can you see any of these symptoms popping up in your daily life? When your husband is less than Prince Charming? When PMS makes you crazy? When that slow line at the check out counter makes you late?

Job echoed what many of have experienced:

“My bitter soul must complain.”

Job 10:1

Could a deeply hidden resentment towards someone in your past be causing all that grumbling at everybody and anybody you’ve fallen into?

Because your marriage will never be free and overflowing with love and laughter as long as you’ve got forgiveness work towards anybody left undone.

And your friendships will never last long while bitterness fuels continual bouts of complaining.

And your children will have a hard time understanding the grace and mercy of God as long as they see that bitter, edgy, constantly-correcting paradigm of righteous annoyance that pops up during conflict.

Might this just be the right time to be honest enough with ourselves to dig a little deeper? To ask God…

Search me, O God, and know my heart;


Try me and know my anxious thoughts;

And see if there be any hurtful way in me,


And lead me in the everlasting way.

Psalm 139:22,23

NASB

I’ll be praying for you, my girls, this week as you ponder those hidden away places to see if there is someone, anyone, you need to forgive. And I’ll be searching my own heart too.

Next week I’ll give you a quick recap on what forgiveness really is— as well as what it isn’t.

But just as a heads up, there is a difference between fully forgiving someone who has wronged and hurt you and fully reconciling with someone who is unrepentant and thus not safe for relationship.

From my heart,

Diane

P.S. What have you learned about bitterness?  Are there more symptoms you’ve seen in your own life or someone close to you? And do you think men express their bitterness differently than women do?

You know I love to hear from you. Your thoughts continually deepen what I have to say.

---

[1] Taken from Muriel Cook’s excellent book, Kitchen Table Counseling. If you don’t own this book, I highly recommend it.

Today I want to begin to introduce you to the team of women who design, create, implement, administrate, manage, and advise this blog we call He Speaks In The Silence. These are women who pray, asking God for wisdom, then use their gifts to craft beauty for all of us. And I think you need to know them!

So… for the next many weeks we’ll be posting a fun profile of who they are, what they do, what they love, who they love, how they live and lots more delicious details.

If you want to take a peak at the list of questions we all got to choose from, here it is.

From my heart,

Diane

ELYSSA DONE 

I Live in:

Our new state…North Carolina! And loving it!!

I contribute to the blog by:

Helping to spread the word – to invite more people into this incredible community.

My favorite Portland spots are:

The multitude of incredible bakeries.

Forest Park.

Powell’s.

One of my life scriptures is:And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Ephesians 3:17-20

On a perfect day, I would:

Go exploring in a new city with my husband and daughter. There would be sunshine, coffee, a bakery, an old bookstore, walking, laughter and beauty.

When I was young, I wanted to grow up and be:

A pastor’s wife!

My husband, Dominic, was a missionary when we met – but he unexpectedly became the teaching pastor of our church in Maui just two years after we were married. We lived there for 8 years, then England for 2, then Portland for 1…and now we’re in North Carolina! Solid Rock recently sent us out with amazing support, to help plant a new church in the Raleigh/Durham/Triangle area. We started on September 8th with a fantastic team of people who moved all the way across the country to help serve. It has been such a fun adventure and so amazing to already be surrounded by such a fantastic community of Christ followers. We so appreciate your prayers for Emmaus – for wisdom about how to reach our city - that we would build authentic and deep relationships with our neighbors and co-workers - and for insight about how to best love and serve the people of North Carolina!

If I could spend a year anywhere in the world, I would go to:

England. We’ve lived there twice and my husband grew up there. It’s a beautiful country, full of quirky customs and fascinating history…and the accents…are epic.

The next big challenge I'm tackling is:

Finding my way around our new city.

The iPhone app I wouldn't want to live without is:

Google Maps…see previous question...

One of the people in the Bible I most admire/relate to is:

Sarah. Her faith was weak – she laughed at God’s promise of a son. Yet He was so gracious to her and gave her more than she deserved.

God is so incredibly gracious with me. I doubt often, but He continues to give me so much more than I could ask, think or imagine.

My mission is:

To deeply love and serve my family as well as the beautiful people we are surrounded by in North Carolina.

Today I want to begin to introduce you to the team of women who design, create, implement, administrate, manage, and advise this blog we call He Speaks In The Silence. These are women who pray, asking God for wisdom, then use their gifts to craft beauty for all of us. And I think you need to know them!

So… for the next many weeks we’ll be posting a fun profile of who they are, what they do, what they love, who they love, how they live and lots more delicious details.

If you want to take a peak at the list of questions we all got to choose from, here it is.

From my heart,

Diane

ELIZABETH MOSSER 

I live in: 

Bethany... a few miles from downtown and close enough to the country that I can buy produce right from the farms.

I contribute to the blog by:

Creative director/the Kitchen/advisor.

When the blog first began it was just my mom (Diane) and I behind the scenes. Mostly going on long walks and dreaming up ideas. As it's grown, we've had the privilege of adding a handful of delightful and talented women who all contribute their unique gifts and create beauty and add wisdom for all the readers to see. I help manage that team and manage what visually happens on the pages of the blog.

One of my life scriptures is:

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

John 15: 1-4

A beautiful reminder that we can do nothing apart from the Father. We must remain connected to the source in order to grow and be filled with life.

One of my most unexpected hobbies/interests/habits is:

Running. My love of running started about 10 years ago and has only grown each year. I'm a true introvert at heart and going on a run early in the morning while my kids are still deep in their dreams, listening to music about Jesus and watching the world wake up is refreshing to my soul. I'm telling you... once you have the running bug you are infected for life!

The person who has had the biggest influence on me is:

My mom... and I'm not just saying that because this is her blog!

My mom has modeled for me what it tangibly looks like to serve Jesus all the days of her life. She has a intimacy with her Father that is unmatched and inspiring. My most vivid memory growing up is walking down the stairs every morning and seeing mom with her bible and journal on her lap, quietly waiting for Jesus to speak. Every single morning she found her source of strength in Jesus. That picture will forever be etched in my heart and mind.

She raised me with intentionality and let me go with intentionality when the time was right. Because of that, we have a true friendship. She is the source I go to when I need wisdom, she has helped shape how I parent my two little ones, and she is my favorite person to go shopping and get pedicures with. She loves my husband like he is her own son and pours all that she is into Duke and Scarlet. She is not perfect, but she walks closely with Jesus and the wisdom she pours out on this blog comes from His heart.

My favorite Portland spots are:

Forest Park... endless trails for running and hiking and strikingly beautiful!

Portobello... my favorite restaurant of all time. It's a vegan restaurant but I promise it will not disappoint!

Slappy Cakes... a super fun spot for a family brunch and they grow their own veggies for their dishes in their own backyard.

When I was young, I wanted to grow up and be:

A flight attendant and a police officer... but by about age 10 I decided I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I am thrilled to say that my little girl dreams came true and I get to be just that.

My favorite thing in my home is:

My vita-mix blender. I know, I know a blender. But it is pretty awesome.

One thing I want every women to know is:

Live today because today is where God is. If you're anything like me, you look past today and jump ahead to tomorrow. Before you know it you miss today and your mind fills with worries, to do lists, I should's and what ifs. What if we lived each moment, each hour, fully present and surrendered to Christ? Leaving yesterday behind, surrendering tomorrow and living today. I want to learn to live that way.

Where you can find me:

Instagram: emosser

Email: emosser@ajesuschurch.org

Dear girls,

 In this series we’ve entitled, He’s Not Your Prince Charming, we have been talking about two main themes:

1. That only Jesus can and will satisfy your deep and ongoing need to be fully loved and satisfied.
2. That He, in return, asks you to pour that love of His onto your husband relationally, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually.

All this talk, as of late, about loving our men sexually has brought up a whole lot of reasons why that is not always easy. The sheer vulnerability, which open, unfettered sexual expression presupposes, requires so much from a woman. Trust, acceptance, respect, affection, and an effort to give ourselves to a man who is not always what we wish he’d be.

But there is another element of this kind of husband-loving and what impedes us that keeps coming up in your emails and comments and messages to me.

Forgiveness.

Your need to forgive him for the hurts he has caused… and your need to forgive yourself for your past failures.

And so, for the next couple of weeks I plan to address these issues because I think its time we all moved past the resentment that makes us crabby and cranky and cold to our men.

And because this is a conversation and I’m sitting outside a coffee shop with a lovely, foamy cappuccino by my side while we “talk”, I need to prepare you for the messiness of these kinds of dialogues. We are women, after all, and hold a certain right to go off on rabbit trails to topics we deem relevant to whatever it is we’re trying to say. Just sayin’.

For today though, I’ll simply tell you a story…

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. (Isn’t that just the best way to start any story?)

This princess had everything she needed. Castles and riches and luxury and freedom to become more and more beautiful every day. Her future stretched out before her in one long litany of hope.

Her life would be good, great. She would live forever in this place of continual delight and hope.

This princess was an exceedingly generous person. Every day she doled out gifts to her servants, sprinkling fairy dust doses of good will and help to everyone she encountered. 

One day she discovered that her most trusted manager had been swindling her. Millions of dollars were missing and the evidence pointed unequivocally to this man. She was shocked. Angry. Hurt. Feelings of betrayal and unbelief swept over her. She had trusted him, believed in him, been generous with him.

The man was promptly brought to justice, cast from her presence and imprisoned in the darkest dungeon. Perhaps if she never had to see him again, she would come free of the terrible pain he had caused her by his disloyalty.

Then one day, she received an urgent message. “Please, please, forgive me for my terrible folly,” the man wrote with shaky hand. “I cannot live in this place a moment longer, have mercy on me— I promise I will repay you every penny!”

After much soul searching, the princess agreed to set him free from that dark place of shame, knowing there was no possible way he could ever repay her for the harm he’d done. Out of the generosity of her heart, she chose to forgive the man and release him from the debt he owed.

That very day, the prisoner was set free.  Breathing deeply of the fresh air, soaking in the sunshine, he danced for the joy of his unexpected, undeserved freedom. He’d been given a second chance and he was determined to succeed. 

Coming down the walkway toward him, he spotted a lowly messenger boy he’d once lent a little bit of money. “Ah ha!” he murmured, “Here’s my ticket to a new start.”

Taking the surprised boy by the neck, he shook him hard. “You owe me money! Give it now, this instant! Or I will have you thrown in the debtor’s prison where you will rot until you pay me back.”

As happens in a small kingdom like the one she ruled, word of this encounter soon got back to the princess. Her heart fell, grief welling once again to the surface.

How could he, forgiven of so much, fail to forgive so small a debt?

Justice for the man’s terrible injustice required that the princess revoke the man’s pardon immediately. She sent him back to the darkness where he would wallow alone in his own bitterness.

(You can read the real story, told by Jesus to his crabby and competing and conflict riddled disciples in Matthew 18)

Every time I read that story I realize again how much forgiving real-life love requires.

All those bumps and bruises that happen as we figure out how to do life together.

All the disappointments when one of us isn’t there for the other in the way we need.

All those loose words that come rushing out of hidden places, cutting and saying and hurting deep.

Each hurt must be looked at honestly and forgiven thoroughly or else we end up stuffing our insides full of hostility.

The only possible way to forgive every one of those hurts is to fully embrace the forgiveness offered by Jesus and then to choose with a heroic act of our will to forgive for His sake.

Make believe doesn’t work here girls. You can’t pretend he didn’t mean it or it doesn’t hurt or you’re not mad. That’s just stuffing it and as we all know, that ugliness has a way of either seeping out of our pours or blowing up in our faces.

And making excuses isn’t effective in the long run. He’s tired, pressured, stressed… but that can only go on for so long and then what?

A bitter, hardened attitude can set in when there’s always a reason for his bad mood or his failure to love well once again.

Neither does it work to choke him until he “gets it” and turns into a charming prince full of golden words and deeds all for you. Correcting and reminding and calling him on every slip will turn you into a nagging crab in no time.

Only forgiveness heals the hurt. Daily, weekly, hourly, moment-by-moment forgiving the man for being so unfailingly human.  That’s what God gives you and me. And that’s what He asks us in turn to give our men.

If you want to have a really great friendship with this man for years and decades until “death do us part”, you’re going to have to learn the art of forgiving and giving grace.

Next week I’ll be giving you some treasures from my long time mentor, Muriel Cook. This is a woman who shines with love for her husband, Norm. For now, I’ll just leave you with a snatch of her wisdom to think about this week:

“I’ve learned that a lack of forgiveness is the root of most problems. In almost every problem situation, after peeling off the layers of grief and distress, I find a wounded spirit or an unresolved resentment. Usually, it is the result of a hurt that hasn’t been dealt with or a pain that hasn’t been relinquished to God.” From Kitchen Table Counseling by Muriel Cook

From a heart still learning,

Diane

P.S. Do you have any questions about forgiveness that you’d like me to address? Or wisdom that works in this messy process of becoming a forgiving woman? Not the theory, so much, as the practical reality? We’re all needing whatever words you can give. Thank you!

Today I want to begin to introduce you to the team of women who design, create, implement, administrate, manage, and advise this blog we call He Speaks In The Silence. These are women who pray, asking God for wisdom, then use their gifts to craft beauty for all of us. And I think you need to know them!

So… for the next many weeks we’ll be posting a fun profile of who they are, what they do, what they love, who they love, how they live and lots more delicious details.

If you want to take a peak at the list of questions we all got to choose from, here it is.

From my heart,

Diane

KRISTI 

I live in:

NW Portland – 5 blocks up from 23^rd St. with 3 beautiful single ladies, Cristiana, Natalie, & Jaci.

I contribute to the blog by:

Mainly by proof reading and approving comments + a bit of editing

This year, God is revealing Himself to me as:

Revealer of Mysteries. There have been many moments with God this year where He’s “taking me away” and has spoken to me sweet kind words, His will, correction, and even funny hidden secrets about Himself. So fun! – Jeremiah 33v2-3 says, “…He who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it – the Lord is His name. Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Such sweet times with Him this year!

My favorite Portland spots are:

Pittock Mansion

Washington Park 

Thai Herb – in Multnomah Village

Piazza Italia – in the Pearl

Sister’s Coffee Company – in the Pearl

Por Que No? – the one on Hawthorne Blvd

One of my life Scriptures is:

Revelations 22v1-2 “The angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb, down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.”

These verses bring me hope and peace. One day, all the nations will be provided with true holistic healing. One day, every creature will be freely given full refreshment. One day, death, pain, and suffering will be done away with – and we’ll enjoy uninterrupted peace, contentment, joy, and safety. Wanting to see glimpses of this in my life right now.

My DISC Test results and my top two love languages are:

I D – Inspirational

Acts of Service + Quality Time

The moment that God found me was: 

When I was living in Siena, Italy! I was raised in a Christian home and saved at a young age, but my walk didn’t fully become my own until I was 19 and living in Italy for the summer. God. Found. Me. In. Italy. It was there that I first experienced a true deep love for His Word and responded by eating as much of it as I could as if I was going to starve without it! It was the first time I was away from everything familiar. So I clung to the only thing I knew, the Scriptures, and they were opened up to me in a new way I had never seen before. I fell in love with Him there, and I’m forever grateful. God swept me off my feet in Italy! What a sweet God we serve.

Something that I love to do every year is: 

The Rodeo! Yee-haw!

One of my most unexpected hobbies/interests/habits is: 

VOLLEYBALL – (for those of you that don’t know me, I’m 4’11, hence the “unexpected” part. Hey! I was a good setter in high school!

What I really want every woman to know is:

Dearest, you’re fully and completely loved by your Father, Yaweh. It’s that mind of ours that daily needs to be diligently renewed by His truth, am I right ladies?

“… but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

Dear girls, Many years ago, God did a deep carving in my heart. He met me in a place of soul-churning anger and ugliness and despair. I was loosing my hearing and terrified of what my future might look like.

Just a few months before the real trial began, I had prayed earnestly that He would lead me to a place of satisfaction. I was a mom with 3 small children, a godly husband, a beautiful home— everything I’d ever wanted— and I wasn’t happy.

I didn’t know then what I know now— that rest and peace and real happiness are not found in a way of life. That only when I live curled up close to the Father’s heart, hid deep in Him, lost in the wonder of who He is and how He loves even me— only then am I satisfied.

In this series we’ve called He’s Not Your Prince Charming, I’ve been trying to paint a picture of a life of letting go of the things you think will make you happy— namely, that man who is supposed to ride into your life on a white steed and sweep you off your feet so that you will be happy forever— and grasp hold of the One who will.

And you’ve been listening, longing for more of Him.

I hear it in your comments and cries over relationships that aren’t what you wish them to be. In your uncomfortable attempts to settle into a skin that doesn’t fit.

I read the wonder as you begin to understand, to hold on tight to your real Lover.

For months now, my daughter, Elizabeth, and I have been talking about her own  uncomfortableness. I’ve rambled on and on and prayed and listened and hoped… because words from mom are not enough to settle the longing inside.

My story is mine and her story is hers and sometimes I can’t say what I mean in a way even my own girl can understand… you know what I mean?

But He can. The One who calls Himself the Word, He spoke words to my daughter’s unrest a few mornings ago and she sent those words to me. And she’s so filled with hope and joy at what He said that she’s allowed me to pass it on to you.

May the One who is your Prince Charming speak to you through Elizabeth today…

Dissatisfied— the emotion that has made it’s way deep into my life and is pulsing through my veins.

I am slowly dying, drowning in a sea of not enough, not good enough, not perfect enough. Grasping at every quick fix possible to fill my lungs with one more breath.

A clean home… only to be marked by toddler fingers and little boy shoes.

A new outfit to make me feel pretty… only until I venture out again and my eyes see something better.

An experience… only be found empty when it doesn’t fill my lack.

Joy comes and goes like the morning fog; thick for a moment, then quickly lifted and replaced by rain.

How do I move from this running wheel of ups and downs? This silent killer of not enough?

I don’t.

My efforts are temporary at best but my Father’s are forever; for the now and not yet.

He said He is the vine. To grow and thrive and produce fruit, all I have to do is stay connected to the vine. To Him.

Nothing can sever me from that life-giving vine.

No wind.

No rain.

No heat.

No bad day.

No messy house.

No un-answered dream.

The two become one… the vine and the branch. The striving ceases and God’s design is set into motion.

“I am the vine, you are the branches; He who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Then the miracle of real life begins.

There is rest.

There is growth.

There is joy.

Joy that is not made by me… like a wind that touches my skin one moment and is gone the next.

Joy that is concrete. Unwavering in the big storms… and the small.

“These things I have spoken to you so that MY joy may be in you, and that YOUR joy may be made full” John 15:11

My joy. That thing I grasp at the clouds for until my fists can clench no more. That feeling I try to manufacture with all the tools I know… and am still found lacking.

It can be made FULL!

His joy in me makes my joy full.

No more searching. No more self helps. No more band-aids of temporary relief.

The real thing.

Joy.

Rest.

Satisfaction.

I choose His way today. And tomorrow and the next.

My joy is no longer missing— He has been found.

From a joy filled heart,

Elizabeth

Today I want to begin to introduce you to the team of women who design, create, implement, administrate, manage, and advise this blog we call He Speaks In The Silence. These are women who pray, asking God for wisdom, then use their gifts to craft beauty for all of us. And I think you need to know them!

So… for the next many weeks we’ll be posting a fun profile of who they are, what they do, what they love, who they love, how they live and lots more delicious details.

If you want to take a peak at the list of questions we all got to choose from, here it is.

From my heart,

Diane

FALLON LESSLER

I live in:

The Sunset Corridor, with my backyard being Tanasbourne Whole Foods. It’s simply amazing.

I contribute to the blog by:

Creative Advisor and a contributor for The Kitchen

My favorite Portland spots are:

Por Que No? Mexican food is the way to my heart!

One of my life scriptures is:

Philippians 4v8-9

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

My Myers-Briggs/Enneagram/love languages is/are:

ISFJ “The Nurturer”

On my perfect day, I would:

I would wake up go on a run with my husband, get a massage, and then adventure Downtown with my husband and eat good food.

The next big challenge I'm tackling is:

A half marathon in San Francisco. I’m so nervous. Pray for me!

The iPhone app I wouldn't want to live without is:

Nike Running. It’s my voiceless accountability partner to get in my weekly mileage!

The person who has had the biggest influence on me is:

My husband. He has taught me how to love people better, simply by watching him love people so well. He has taught be perseverance, by leading and pushing through circumstance that have been tough. And he has thought be how to extend grace by always extending it to me.

My lifestyle, in three words:

Adventurous, Full, Creative

Where you can find me:

Instagram: fklessler

Email: thelesslers@gmail.com

Dear girls,  Right now I am sitting in a coffee shop connected to a church in Santa Cruz, California. Phil and I taught our Intentional: raising passionate Jesus followers seminar at Vintage Faith Church this weekend and then Phil preached for their 3 gatherings on Sunday. Tomorrow we’ll hop in the car and start the long drive home. I’ve been away for more than 3 weeks (!) spending time with family and getting refreshed.  It’s been a wonderful break but now I’m itching to get home and share with you all I’ve heard in my hours of quiet.

Ally Vesterfelt has graciously agreed to write this week’s post. I’ve known Ally since she was a little girl and have loved watching her grow into a uniquely gifted woman with a message. What she shares here about the reality of loneliness even in marriage is something all of us can relate to. Her honesty allows us once again to realize that He’s Not Your Prince Charming, propelling us to purposely cultivate our relationship with the One who is.

I love you girls! Back next week…

From my heart,

Diane

When I was twenty and single, the one thing I knew for sure about marriage was that, when I got married, I wouldn't be lonely.

The funny thing was, the older I got, the less lonely being single seemed. I had a dozen friends and an active social life. We were always dreaming and scheming up something — keeping ourselves busy with careers and trips and spontaneous rendezvous for happy hour. We would cry with each other and call each other at two in the morning sometimes and, before we knew it, we became like family.

We weren't husbands and wives, but we were men and women, doing life together, getting in-your-mess and in-your-face and learning to how to love until it hurt.

It was a really beautiful disaster most of the time, but we had built it. It was ours.

Of course, there were moments the loneliness would sink in.

I would be at a friend's wedding, watching her walk down the aisle (or watching him wait for his bride) and I would think about how things would never be the same again. Not that it was a bad thing. This was how it should be. Marriage changed things. I didn't really know how it did, I just knew it did.

In the moments single life seemed lonely, at least I had my family.

My parents didn't always agree with everything I thought or said or did, but by the time I was in my late twenties, I had hit a groove with them — a really lovely groove where we told each other things, and they wouldn't tell me what to do no matter how many times I begged them, but would always listen and hug me and tell me everything was going to be alright.

And my sister and brother, despite being different from me in many ways, shared comforting similarities like a the shape of my nose and color of my eyes, not to mention the inside jokes and a mutual understanding about how and when and how not to push each others buttons.You learn to function together in family. Even when your "function" is rather "dysfunctional" it is comforting.

Because you've built it, together.

Then, I met my husband, and we got married. And something very strange happened.

I lost all of that.

I gained something too, but I couldn't see what I gained without first recognizing what I lost.

I lost my friends.

In part this was the nature of our transition (we moved across the country) and in part it was because it's really difficult to merge two systems together — his system of friends, my system of friends. Each operated differently with its own unique rules and regulations, its own sensibilities about what is important, what is acceptable, and what is not.

And as much as I swore I would never be the kind of friend who stopped being a friend just because I got married — I found myself doing it. Because friendship is built on common ground and I wasn't sure what ground I was on anymore. I was building something new now, and I wasn't sure how it all fit together.

I lost my family.

Not "lost" as in gone forever, but lost as in temporarily lost my footing, lost my sensibilities about what it looked like to be a sister or a daughter or a daughter-in-law now that I was married. Who was I supposed to go to when I had a problem? Who's side was I supposed to take when no one saw eye-to-eye?

It's hard to merge two families when you're trying to build your own.

So the first year of marriage felt lonely to me, not because my husband wasn't my friend, or because he didn't love me, or because I didn't love him, but because building is hard. And because we were starting from the bottom, and because I was building with someone who I had only known, and who had only known me, for a couple of months.

We're learning, more slowly than we'd like sometimes, what it looks like to bring pieces of me, and pieces of him, into this our thing we're building together.

This thing that is all ours.

We're learning that when one of us gets sick, or has a bad day, or gets their feelings hurt, there is only the other, cleaning up the mess or doing the dishes or digging deep or soothing bruised egos. After all, if we don't do it, no one else will.

No one else will build this for us.

We're learning that if we want something that suits us, that's big enough for both of us, for my values, and for his, big enough for both of our separate pasts, our separate friends, our separate families, or separate ideals — we have to build it. If we want a system that is functional and comfortable, and fits us, like a good pair of jeans, we have make it.

We can't get everything we want, all of the time.

But we're building something.

And the longer we're married, the less lonely it gets. We find our footing and invite people in and watch each other weave in and out of old and new seasons. And when I think about it, this isn't that different from before I was married. Anytime we're building, we're making difficult decisions, about what to keep and what to leave behind. And we're all responsible for what we're creating...

And when it seems most difficult is when we're making the most progress.

Are you married or single? Are you lonely?

Ally

Today I want to begin to introduce you to the team of women who design, create, implement, administrate, manage, and advise this blog we call He Speaks In The Silence. These are women who pray, asking God for wisdom, then use their gifts to craft beauty for all of us. And I think you need to know them!

So… for the next many weeks we’ll be posting a fun profile of who they are, what they do, what they love, who they love, how they live and lots more delicious details.

If you want to take a peak at the list of questions we all got to choose from, here it is.

From my heart,

Diane

JODI HUGHES  

I live in:

NW Portland…Bethany/Oak Hills

How I contribute to the blog by:

Watching over things, my official title is project manager. I get the delightful task of watching our gifted young women show off their amazing talents and skills.

My Myers-Briggs/DISC/love languages are:

I’m a diSC;  my love languages are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation;  My Myers-Briggs is INTJ, what does that mean…for some fun do a Google search and learn about the 10 Myths About Introverts and famous INTJ’s.

This year God is revealing himself to me as:

Faithful… I’ve known Jesus for 57 years and I’m still learning new ways to appreciate how His love and care and power is trustworthy and always good. I’m still learning that there will always be new things to trust him for; the most current new thing is growing old single. Gaining deeper trust is not always easy, but it’s very good for me.

The person who has had the biggest influence on me is:

My Dad. He’s with Jesus now. Our birthdays are one day apart so we would celebrate them together and we both loved it. My Dad’s love for me taught me about Jesus’ love for me. My Dad taught me to obey because it was right and good for me. And to put Jesus first because it was right and good for me. I was asked to give up cheerleading, friends, and many extracurricular activities because putting Jesus first was right and good for me. My Dad never made harsh demands (though I had no other options). He had a way of telling me that putting Jesus first is a privilege. My Dad, a preacher, lived what he believed and taught. I never ever saw him compromise his walk with Jesus. He never glossed over sin. My divorce broke his heart and he never condoned it, or any of my sins for that matter. He always stood his biblical ground and always forgave. My sins broke my Dad’s heart, just like my sin breaks my heavenly Father’s heart.  My Dad still loved me, forgave me, and never turned his back on me, just like Jesus. My Dad taught me about true repentance, He helped convince me of Jesus unfailing love and forgiveness.

Something I love to do every year:

To take my granddaughter, Olivia, to the beach. It’s just me and Olivia and we do lots of fun kid stuff together. We jump waves, build sand castles, collect sea shells, eat pronto pups, ride carousels, feed the seals and pet the sea urchins, check out cheesy glittery touristy stuff, eat ice cream, take walks, do puzzles, read stories, and stay up late! We just finished our third annual Grandma/Olivia Beach Trip.

Three of my favorite books are:

The Secret Garden… I read that as a little girl and still love it.

Knowing God by J.I. Packer: I knew a lot about God. I met Jesus when I six. I was raised in a Christian home, went to Prairie Bible College and BIOLA. Then, 37 years ago, life turned upside down and the quick easy cliché answers didn’t work. I needed to really get to know God because it’s really difficult to trust someone you don’t know really well. This book started me on a journey of getting to know God that I’m still on today.

Speaking of Jesus by Carl Medearis: Once I was asked to share Jesus and the Gospel with someone. I opened my mouth to say something and couldn’t get any words out. I realized all of my words sounded more like a systematic theology textbook than someone with good news about Jesus. This book turned my thinking around and got me started reading the Gospels daily. I am still getting to know Jesus better and it’s an awesome ongoing journey. It’s an easy fun read I try to read it once a year.

My favorite question to ask people is:

“Please tell me your Jesus Story.” This question-in-a-statement takes people by surprise at times. However, I’ve learned that when they understand that I just want to listen and that I’m not asking for “right answers” or a “testimony” they relax and really enjoy sharing. Don’t we love to tell our on-going Jesus story? We just never get asked often.

Dear girls,

This morning I sit on the deck of my parent's home high in the Sierra's. It is beautiful here, so peaceful. Last week this place was brimming with Comers- 15 of us in all was we gathered to just enjoy being a family. What fun we had! And so many memories... Now I am relishing some rare time alone to write and ponder and read.

I've asked my friend, Danita Newell, to explain to us how she has cultivated her unique and enviable friendship with her husband, Todd. I've watched them now, for more than a decade- and what I see is friendship. Lots of laughter, Instagrams of road trips, Friday breakfasts out and about Portland, and a family that laughs a lot! You'll want to listen well here, girls, whether you're married or hope to be someday. This is what we all want and Danita is full of practiced wisdom about how to get there.

From my heart,

Diane

For better, for worse – for richer, for poorer – in sickness and in health.

We’ve all heard these words spoken at various weddings over the years.  But do you ever wonder if the bride and groom are hearing what is really being said?  After all, they are the “stars of the show,” the “main characters,” the “cake topper look alikes.”  Could it be they are distracted by their audience? The paparazzi? Or even their very own stage presence?  Maybe all they hear is... for better, for richer, in health.

Marriage is so much more than the fairy tale ending we dream of.

Actually the only perfect ending is a NEVER ending in eternity spent with the ultimate groom, Jesus Christ.  That is for those who believe in Him……”For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).  We give up our old ways to live as a new creation…..”If any man/woman be in Christ, he/she is a new creature. Old things are passed away. All things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

In relationships, including marriage, we take the ups with the downs.  Friendships often start with a common ground – attending the same school, enjoying similar movies, laughing at the same thing even at the same time.  These were the small things that later came to matter in my marriage.  After 32 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize the value of friendship and the strength that comes with marrying your best friend.

You might ask, what does marrying your best friend look like?  It is the constant effort toward putting their needs above your own.  It is working together to solve problems, making decisions together, not giving up, willingness to do whatever it take to NOT repeat mistakes, having fun together, talking regularly, going places together, forgiving one another and moving forward.  Marriage should look like friendship.

My husband and I met at college.  We never knew the other existed until we were 19 years old.  A mutual friend introduced us and wanted us to play in his band.  We both loved music.  I played the piano, he played the trumpet.  This was the beginning of our common ground.  Since we both had different career paths, we never had classes together.  Therefore, band practice turned into a weekly rendezvous.

As friends, we enjoyed our time together.  We talked and talked and discovered we both laughed at the same things.  We began to watch for each other in the auditorium at the weekly chapel gatherings.  This became another common ground in our relationship…..the importance of our faith.  When you spend time with your friends you learn who you are and what is most important to you.  This was a strong friendship that was becoming more focused on the  potential of a lifetime together.

If you are not married but hope to be one day, I would encourage you to take the time to develop a friendship before romance.  Allow yourself to get to know someone in all area while you are getting know who YOU are when you are with them.

Those of you who are married and feeling you’ve lost that friendship, or maybe never had it to begin with, it is not too late.

There is a familiar saying that mom’s repeat to their young children….”to have a friend you have to be a friend.”

There is truth to that.  Are you treating your husband like you would your friends?  Do you look forward to spending time with him? Do you get yourself “ready” to go out with him?  Do you talk with him, get excited to hear his stories about his day?  Are you able to be real, to cry, to laugh, to admit your failures?

If not, then it is time to start.

I have the privilege of partnering with my husband in ministry in pre marital and marital counseling.  We have had training in biblical counseling and cling to the truth spoken in 2 Timothy 3:16 & 17…..”All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.”  In our hours spent with couples we repeatedly counsel the importance of spending time together.  What does that look like practically?

Eat together without watching television, go to bed at the same time, talk to each other regularly, take vacation together.  Learn from each other about each other.  We see couples drift apart and realize the friendship aspect of their marriage has become secondary.  They love each other but don’t like each other.  We need to guard that. Protect that. Ensure it won’t happen.  Then purposefully put forth effort in becoming friends and maintaining that friendship.

It is with words of encouragement that I remind you your hope of becoming the friend you need to be lies in your relationship with Jesus Christ.  He has given us a helper, the Holy Spirit, who empowers us to do what we are called to do and that is to live a life that is pleasing to God.

“Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.”  (Hebrews 11:6)

Your friend,

Danita

Today I want to begin to introduce you to the team of women who design, create, implement, administrate, manage, and advise this blog we call He Speaks In The Silence. These are women who pray, asking God for wisdom, then use their gifts to craft beauty for all of us. And I think you need to know them!

So… for the next many weeks we’ll be posting a fun profile of who they are, what they do, what they love, who they love, how they live and lots more delicious details.

If you want to take a peak at the list of questions we all got to choose from, here it is.

From my heart,

Diane

MICHELE FORDICE

I live in:

The suburbs of NW Portland. A quaint little neighborhood called Terra Linda. Our little tri-level house was built in the 60s. The stairs squeak. The vents allow for eavesdropping. And the bathrooms are the size of postage stamps.  I love every piece of it. As I sit in the living room—soaking up the morning sun and watching the neighbors wander by—I can’t help but imagine the lives that have passed through these doors. After pulling off three generations of contact paper from our linen closet, and reminding our boys that the laundry shoot is not meant for human transportation, I can tell these walls have many stories.

I contribute to the blog in:

An advisory role.

This year, God is revealing himself to me as:

The Living God. It has by no means been an easy year. I have had struggles. Frustrating days. Difficult weeks. I have cried out to know the Living God. Truly, deeply, genuinely cried out. I don’t want to just know about him, but know him as I know my husband. To walk with him as I am teaching my boys. To cry out to him when I am weary from saying, “Close the door behind you” or “Hands are not for hitting, but for loving.” To know him and his power as he transforms lives, including my own faithless heart at times. Let’s just say, I have much to learn.

One of my life scriptures:

Psalm 91: 1-2 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadows of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.

My love languages are: quality time and words of affirmation...ok, maybe I like gifts too.

On my perfect day:

I would wake up to peaceful brothers playing, read a good book, get a massage and spend the evening with my husband...and go to sleep early!

Books I am reading right now: 

Emerald Atlas (pre teener fiction), Love and Logic, Made to Crave and Beauty by the Book.  Can you see why I never finish books?

When I was young, I wanted to grow up and be:

A missionary.

Something that I love to do every year is:

Address our Christmas cards.  I have an ongoing list that I add to each year as the Lord brings new friends into our lives.  In the chaos of the holiday schedules, this is one tradition that causes me to slow down and marvel at how blessed we are by incredible family and friends.

My favorite thing in my home is:

The original laundry shoot.

If I could spend a year anywhere in the world:

I would go to Italy and Greece.  On our ‘SOME DAY LIST’, we’d love to home school our boys for a year, move to Italy, and travel all over the Mediterranean.  Lots of hiking, sailing and EATING the most amazing food on earth! (I’m 100% Italian.  Can you tell?)

The next big challenge I'm tackling is:

Making our new house our home.  From new carpet, to paint, to garage doors…the list continues to grow.  Pray for my dear husband!  I am one constant vision…and he implements that vision.

My lifestyle, in three words:

Raw, eclectic, chaotic order.

What I really want every woman to know is:

If we were all really honest about the thoughts and dreams and feelings we think each day, we’d be surprised at how similar we really are.  We all long to belong, to be valued and to be purposeful.  And the enemy wants nothing more than to cause division, isolation and fear.  When we recognize that those three things are not of God, we can fight back.

John 10v10 The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  (NIV)

I don’t know about you but I am settling for nothing less than, FULL.

Can I get an AMEN?

Where you can find me:

Email me:  bella.fordice@gmail.com

Follow me on instagram:  michele_fordice